Forum Replies Created
January 12, 2017 at 7:39 pm #125134
Hi Ninja, thank you for the encouragement and sorry for the delay in responding. I’m doing better and getting help from a psychologist which is really helping. Christmas was good and we had a nice ski vacation over the holidays which was fun. Because we were away from home and in hotel rooms we shared a bed again and when we got home we agreed that I would sleep in our bedroom again – so some progress has been made! I still take it day by day and continue to focus on getting my self centred and enjoy life and I know I have a lot of good in my life. I do notice that my wife and I seem to be getting closer more and more. We laugh more together and I do think that things are getting better. I still get sad sometimes but I notice that it is less frequent and when it does happen I can usually get my self out of it sooner, rather than wallowing in pity for a few days. I am definitely more optimistic for the future and I do think that over time we will just keep getting closer and closer. This has been the hardest year and a half of my life but I am hopeful and have faith that my wife and I will have a strong relationship in the future…it will just take time. All the best, JamesDecember 6, 2016 at 10:12 pm #122110
Yes, we are both seeing therapists now and it has been helpful. My wife and I had a really good talk this evening about the “roller coaster” of emotions we are both going through. She said that just when things become “nice” and “comfortable” and she starts to wonder about possibilities I follow a pattern of crashing and in negates all the good that has been achieved. In fact, she said I haven’t been able to go 3 weeks without crashing since this all started in July of 2015. There was a real sense of calm the past two weeks and it was nice. I took a lot of advice from this forum and just tried to be relaxed, have fun and laugh and when that happened I wasn’t so worried and it felt good. I wonder what it will feel like if I can stay positive for 6 weeks what it will be like?? I’ve never been able to manage my sadness for that long so I don’t know. That is my goal now, 6 weeks with no depression during that time. I should correct that statement. As Anita said, it is ok and normal given the circumstances to be sad and I know it will pass as it always does. I will use the methods my counsellor has suggested to manage my sadness when it flares up and try to make sure it is contained and if at all possible my wife doesn’t see it.
Ninja, I’m going to see how the next 6 weeks go and then see about the sleeping arrangements. We will be visiting my parents over Christmas and sharing a bed then so I will see what happens then. She does travel quite a bit but they are usually short 2-3 day trips. I hope everything is going ok with you as well 🙂December 6, 2016 at 9:33 am #122040
Hi Ninja, I agreed to move into the basement at the end of October. I guess the rationale was that maybe more space would bring us closer? It’s hard though with very hectic work schedules and home life to give each other space. I did think the past couple of weeks were much better though and was starting too feel more relaxed than I have in a long time but then something so silly and minor can make all the doubts resurface. I think I’ve just got to keep going, learn from my mistakes, and maybe one day we will be able to share a bed together soon.
Anita, my wife says she understands my depression and has accepted it. She hugs me when I am feeling sad about our current state of affairs. She feels a great sense of pain that she is putting me through this process and right now can’t really do a lot to comfort me because our situation is the cause. She has said she genuinely cares for me and when I told her about a possible work promotion last week that I may get she was thrilled for me. I think their has been a lot of good that has occurred over the past couple of weeks and if I would just let things happen, they may just happen. But in my world right now 2 weeks seems like an eternity…..December 6, 2016 at 8:33 am #122030
Just another update as I’m starting to feel down again and its only been a couple of weeks. The past couple of weeks have been really nice, not great, but nice, and this is much improved from October. My wife used the term, “It’s been calm”. My wife and I were communicating better, I continued to help her with her assignments, and we were watching tv together.We were talking about our days and even laughing about our kids at times. We went out to dinner and a show and had a nice time. There were some hugs but nothing more and it is still pretty awkward at the end of the night when I go down to the basement and she goes up stairs to bed. It’s just a real weird dynamic that drains me when I think about it too much. I’m not sure what happened exactly but over the weekend I started to feel down again. I know that a few interactions occurred that stung me a little bit. One was when we were watching a movie with the kids on Saturday night and they wanted to watch it in bed in the master bedroom and my wife said, sure we can watch it in my room! As I write this I know this isn’t a big deal but it did hurt me a bit. The other moment was when she was leaving for a work trip Sunday night I said bye, I will miss you, she couldn’t return the words to me. I guess I thought things were better than they are. I know these things are minor and my wife doesn’t mean to do them, but they plant seeds of doubt in my mind and they faster and I make a bigger deal out of them then they are! Bottom line is I feel down again and last time this site helped me so I’m hoping it will again. The worst thing is my wife was probably anticipating that I would get depressed again and I have proven her correct! It’s a vicious cycle.
It is just so hard to stay positive all the time about this.November 17, 2016 at 7:21 pm #120612
Thank you for all the comments. I do have hope and I know it’s not over yet. I also know I have a lot of work to do on myself and I am getting support for that now. Reading the responses you have all provided has also helped me so much. Now that I am getting help I don’t feel as alone as before. I feel like I finally have some much needed support! I will focus on the good in my life right now, because their is still a lot of good, and I will take it day by day. I’ll spend lots of time with my kids and just live in the moment. Whatever happens happens, but I still do have hope. Jessi, I agree my marriage is worth saving! Thanks again for the support. JamesNovember 16, 2016 at 8:09 am #120485
Thanks Anita, I asked my wife this morning about the separation. Yes, when she originally told me in July of 2015 that she no longer loves me she had had thoughts of separating and was leaning that way. However, what she didn’t expect was my response to keep working on relationship and see if we could make it work. She said it really surprised her. She has seen the hard work and acknowledges it. I think my problem is while I have made a strong effort to work on our relationship my constant cycles of happiness followed by bouts of sadness have been really draining on our relationship. I honestly don’t think I’ve been patient for longer than 10 days and have to “check in” with her to see how she feels. It’s only been a few months since I started reading and researching about this and I now know that this was one of the worst things that I could do. Every time I “try” she admits that it is nice but she is anticipating a period of depression. It was her birthday yesterday and on the weekend I took her out to have some fun and didn’t bring up our relationship once and at the end of the night she said she had fun and it had been a long time since we had fun. This was good news but then on Sunday afternoon I got sad again and perhaps undid the positives of the night before. I know I need to accept that it likely won’t work and I have to work on finding happiness for myself and not seek happiness from my wife. To try and deal with this I am now seeing a counsellor and I am hoping that this will help me become a happier person. If I am a happier person, and I can sustain it, then I am hopeful anything can happen. This is something that I haven’t tried before so I feel good for doing something differently. At the very least I will be happy :). I reread my original post and while there were a lot of good things that I tried to do (dates, surprises, thoughtful moments etc.) there was always a heaviness hanging over the house and a sad expectation from me that things would get better soon. This was emotionally draining on everyone in the house and was a vicious cycle. Maybe me getting help will change things, maybe not. But I have to try or I will regret it for the rest of my life.November 15, 2016 at 8:36 pm #120462
Thank you all for your comments of encouragement. It is very helpful. Anita, any help you can provide will be greatly appreciated. Jessi, I will keep going and I’m going to get an audible account set up and listen to some of the authors you suggest when I run. Ninja, I will continue to work on finding happiness outside of my wife. I love the Daddy dates idea and will try it when she is away this weekend. I agree about the “building back confidence”. My wife has even told me she wants to see me for who I am, not a sad and depressed individual. For a while (10 days) I was doing ok and then it all sort of unravelled…. All of your positive comments have given me a boost to continue though. I will continue to take it day by day and see what happens, focusing on improving my self and becoming happy for me and not just for my wife. I have my second counselling session tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. Ninja, I’m so sorry for your pain too. It’s so hard but I know we are both doing the right things and I do have “hope” that things will work out. I’ll write back. You have a peaceful night too.November 15, 2016 at 6:44 am #120438
Hello again, just an update on my situation. Things were going ok for a while. I have started seeing a counsellor (one session so far) and it helped. I do realize that I need to change myself first before my wife will love me. I started keeping a journal and focusing on things day by day. Things were going ok for about 10 days and then I had a relapse on Sunday where I started to feel really sad again. No major event triggered it it was just little things and I feel like I’m not getting anything in return from my wife. I know I have to be selfless but this is really hard and I’m questioning whether I have the stamina to continue for as long as it takes. My life is really stressful right now. I’m currently on a business trip and get home tonight and then my wife leaves for her MBA on Thursday returning on Sunday. I’ve reads a couple of books by Andrew Marshall which have helped: “I love you but am not in love with you” and My Wife doesn’t love me anymore”. I’ve also spent time on the website “Withmyexagain”. Both say I should still have hope and it is possible but I’m afraid my sadness will keep coming back and ruining things.October 19, 2016 at 2:58 pm #118511
Thanks this has really helped. You mention that it worked for you. Can you give me a sense of how long it took for you to work things out with your wife? It’s been over a year for me and it seems like an eternity.October 19, 2016 at 12:38 pm #118504
Thank you all for your comments. This is the first time I have ever opened up on the Internet before. I am going to go home tonight and try and love my wife unconditionally with no expectation in return. I think this will be easier said than done but it is the only way this has a chance. Peter, thank you for your comments on change happens slowly, then all at once. I think I have been expecting change too soon and then get upset which causes my depression and scares both my wife and I.(creating a vicious cycle of despair). I am going to change my approach and expect nothing for a long time and just create positive moments with my wife. Hopefully small changes will happen over time which will lead to a big change a year or two from now. Ninja, you are right, might girls are worth it for me to continue to try. I’m wondering if anyone has come out the other side from this and can tell me about the journey?