Thank you Anita

My sister and mother don’t get close enoough to hurt me now, contact is very limited. I have no contact with my brother and younger sister. The issue with my sister is she is polite now, always too nice to me but of course i know it’s false as she isn’t a nice person and when I see her I just think of past abuse and the hurt she has caused me. She also doens’t validate what my brother did to me and expects me to let her have the children at her house and if he visits that’s fine but I have stopped her having the children over and said no to sleepovers. She hates it and tries to pick a fight with me over it but I am hard now and jsut say no. My mother again she is all extra nice with me now, buys my childrens affections when she does see them. She loves my children I know that and I think she is aware of how her past behaviour has damanged our relationship and that’s why she is being so extra nice now. She rings me twice a week now and texts asking how I am since our big talk at new year but I don’t want it, I just am so used to coping alone now that seeing or even speaking to her makes my energy dip and makes me feel unwell. She is accepting this and isn’t turning up to visit now or going against my wishes and just turning up. My son asked her last week when she was visiting next, she said ‘well your mum said I can’t visit during the week now as she is unwell and the week days are busy for her and tiring’ so I took hold of the phone and said to my mum I couldn’t do week day visits as I’m alone in the week, hubby is at work and I have a chronic illness so can’t entertain people. I have to do school runs, cooking, cleaning and that takes every inch of energy. I said we would arrange visits on weekends around my health and when I feel strong enough to have visitors and not crash. She said ‘as long as the children know it’s not that I don’t want to see them’, which made me feel like I was at fault.

The children love their Nan, I can’t take that away from them because if I did I know that would damage my relationships with my children. My eldest would resent me a lot. He rings his nan a couple of times a week for a chat. So I do feel my hands are tied, it’s horrible. I also have social anxiety since the agoraphobia, I said to my husband is is just I want to avoid people, am I wrong and avoiding people? he said ‘no, you’re avoiding those that hurt you and who would blame you. You’re unwell and need to focus on recovery without any reminders of what they have done to you’. I do have social anxiety right now but I think my husband is right, it’s not my social anxiety stopping me seeing family, I just get panicky seeing them in general and right now I am unwell physically and can’t face them.

My sister is 30 in April and messaged me at teh weekend about her birthday party. I said I wouldn’t be attending because I am having health issues still and am unwell, I can’t attend parties as I have chronic fatigue and am in bed as soon as my husband gets in as I have to rest to be able to be a mother during the week. Her reply ‘well I want you there!!!’ I replied ‘well I have to do what’s right by me I’m afraid. I have been very ill for a year and right now i have to take care of myself so I can get well for my family’. She then said maybe my hubby could drop the children off, I said that wouldn’t be an option, my brother is going and no way would I let him near my children. My family love to take our children away from us and then see how they act around my brother. My mum had my sons for a sleepover 2 years ago and she allowed my brother to visit while they were there, I was so hurt and picked them up as the boys were texting me to pick them up as they felt scared. My mother to this day says that they were laughing and joking with my brother and that she thinks we turn the children against him. Of course it couldn’t possibly be his actions are why our children are afraid of him. It hurts that she rubs in my face that my children were laughing and joking with him {they have told me that my mum lied as they didn’t speak to him) I just can’t understand why she would rub in my face that a man who attacked me was all friendly with my children. I feel she cares so much about my brother feeling less guilt as apparently he feels guilty and afraid my children hate him. She cares more about reassuring him than she does how I feel and will rub in my face that my children were happy speaking to him. It’s horrible and that is why I stopped all sleepovers and any access without my husband or I present.

I have taken a stand and it’s by my rules but I just don’t know how else to go about it as I can’t hurt my children, they have lost so many people and I hate myself for that even though I didn’t cause any of it, I stupidly feel guilty. Now i am ill physically and dealing with anxiety again I feel even more guilt.

Thank you for your reply.
Julie