Anita –

OK, here I go. I am in so much pain right now.

Last night, I went skiing, alone. I called the only two people that would potentially come with me and they had other plans. I was so focused on the skiing conditions that I forgot that I was alone. But, when I was in the lodge…sitting by the fire. I realized…I was the only one there without family or friends.

I’m crying so hard right now…

I woke up this morning in pain. I hate waking up alone. In no way do I mean this sexually…but, deep down inside, I wish one of you lived down my street…that I could meet you…that I could turn around and wake up to you every day. That I didn’t have to wait for someone to post to this string to feel loved again. That there was truly someone in my life that could give me the strength to keep going when I am so weak. But you all probably live in China or California and I will never get to meet you.

As much as I know I have to love myself before I see any improvement…deep down I know I can’t…deep down I feel that if I love myself, I’m really not going to end up with a friend or a soulmate. And maybe it’s because of the uncertainty of how the situation will end up, that I don’t try loving myself. How can I guarantee that I will not end up in this awful apartment sitting around just loving myself…and still end up alone? How can I love myself, when my sub conscience mind is already beating me over my head, hating myself!

I want friends…but no matter how many people post different ways of loving myself before I can get a friend. Deep down…I feel it’s not going to work.

Any time I show my emotion to anyone…the relationship or the situation always ends. It always has. I don’t know why I keep drawing people to a web forum. I wish I could do the same in real life!

This is my freaking reality. I am going to spend the better half of this day trying to pull myself out of pain. The pain that I am stupid. The pain that I am alone. The pain that I will lose my job and end up on the street. The pain that my kids are going to grow up and I am eventually going to be even more alone (the only reason they love me is because I’m there dad…they don’t have a choice). I’m not going to spend the day trying to improve my apartment, even though I want to. And I’m going to end the day exhausted. Trying to fall asleep to some meditation or watching a movie…and have yet again taken another step back in my life. Going to bed praying to God that I don’t have to face another day. Because every day I wake, I know I’m going to fail at achieving what I want. And I’m selfish…because I don’t get out of my damn house and help other people in need…even though I want to…the damn depression gets in the way…I don’t even know the first place to go to where I could volunteer my time…plus, what could I possibly give to someone else. I HAVE NOTHING TO GIVE, I’M A FREAKING WASTE!

The only gift I possess is the ability to take someone’s attempt at making me feel better, ripping it apart, completely disproving it will work, and casting it aside…like I am doing with all of you.

I love being nice…I love it. And I wish I had someone to be nice to…but no one can get close enough to me because of who I am.

So, that’s the real me…and with all the help that everyone has tried to give me in this post…I can’t implement any of it. And, now all their efforts, all their time spent reaching out to me…has gone in vain. They must be as frustrated as everyone in my life has been. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard “There is nothing I can do to help you…nothing I say has been able to help you so far, and it never will.” It’s exhausting to love me, damn near impossible. Because when I am nice…I also always share my pain.

I can’t stop crying…I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, and I’m scared, shaking, alone (I absolutely hate the word ‘alone’)…where is God? where is peace? I think I’m doomed…that no matter what I do or anyone else does…I’m a lost cause…

That’s the real me. I’m never going to find the cure. That’s the real me that I have to hide behind a shell. Because I am a pessimist by nature…nothing else lives deep within me…just a kindness that I want to show the world without getting laughed at…a kindness that actually drew people to me rather than chased them away. Ugh…I’m so weak right now…just want to give up. I can’t even call my kids now, because I can’t stop sobbing…oh God, oh somebody…anyone…there has to be a cure!

I’m so sorry…