Dear Russ:

I live way north of Seattle, closer to the Canadian border. Not a city girl!

Why do I continue to post? Because I need this contact I am making with you, for as long as it lasts (usually people here withdraw from communication, not me), because I am learning as I interact, learning about myself and others. As I learn, I continue to heal.

This connection, here online, with me- that is not a fairy tale, it is very much a real-life connection. Only it is not in-person, that is all. And because it is not in-person, there is the opportunity here to be authentic, for the two of us, more so than in life in-person.

How do you make friends in-person?

Prepare by having realistic expectations: as challenged and needy as you believe you are, others are as well. There is so little most people can do for you. And there is so little you can do for others. Have this mindset from the beginning when interacting with people.

Take responsibility for your feelings- another can’t fix it. Comfort from another’s presence is temporary. Eventually, you will be alone with your thoughts and feelings and the same loneliness of the past will return, as it has so far.

It is through a long, healthy relationship that you heal. It takes trusting someone, over time, feeling safe with another, experiencing no aggression (passive or blatant) from another and dishing out none as well.

I don’t believe you or anyone can learn to love yourself all-by-yourself. It is like looking for a job but not being able to get one because of lack of experience. So the person wonders: how can I get the experience if I don’t get a job (the only way to get the experience)-

in a similar way, you can’t love yourself until someone outside of you loves you.

Your children, they love you. Don’t disregard their love for you just because they don’t have a choice (of a father) as you wrote before- this is where you can get much of that … love experience you need so much.

anita