Dear Shirley:

1. “How do I let people know that I’m in the process of finding myself?”-

If you want to share this with a particular person, tell him/ her: “I am in the process of finding myself.” If he/ she asks a question, you can answer if you want and if you have the answer right then and there, or you can say: I want to think about your question and get back with you later. The person may share with you how he/ she is in such a process themselves.

If you don’t want to share it with a particular person/ a group of people- don’t.

2. “People keep talking about different problems, but the only one I have now is to find myself. How do I disentangle myself from others and be in my own personal space?”- leave their space. Say: I have to go. If these “others” are your parents, it is more difficult because you live with them. But if you have your own room, excuse yourself and go to your room, close the door behind you.

3. “Does this make me selfish? If I withdraw from them and practice mindfulness and let them have their anger out, is that a good idea?”

You are referring to your parents: no, you are not selfish for not wanting to be the target for their venting. It is not your job to be a venting-target. It is selfish of THEM to misuse you that way. They are doing you wrong by venting to you, misusing you so to relieve their distress at your expense. And so, it is the right thing for you to do to protect yourself from such misuse.

4. “there is a part of me that won’t forgive them because I’m not sure I want to forgive them. Does this make me a bad person?”

No, it does not make you a bad person. You can not forgive people who are still hurting you, who didn’t stop hurting you. When they ask for your forgiveness and stop their offensive behavior, then consider forgiving them.

5. “Does the irritation I feel at them make me feel like an ungrateful person?”

Well, you are understandably ungrateful for being misused to relieve their distress by transferring it to you (via venting).

anita