Thank you Anita

I agree totally. I have had my cortisol tested and it’s a little on the high side and told it’s due to chronic stress, that’s hwy I haven’t been seeing family either and I feel much calmer for it. I am on 75mg of thyroxine now so hoping that along with less stress will help my thyroid. I have no doubt in my mind that the post traumatic stress has led to my health problems.

I agree, the first 2 years after the attack I wanted my mum, I was hurt she rejected me and my children but last year all that need went and I became angry at her for rejecting me and my children. Now I honestly do not want her in my life, I feel very little for her other than rejection and hurt. I have changed in the last year and realised who loves me and is worth having in my life are those that have supported me. I have had this ill health a year and it’s been so hard taking care of my children and chronically unwell with my underactive thyroid. I did it, I survived it and still am doing without any support from my mother. It changed me and inside I became a different kind of hurt, a hurt that doesn’t want her near me. I can honestly say if she rang me now asking if she could help, if she could come and visit me daily to help me out at home, I’d say no, I honestly would. That’s the difference now. The only thing that pulls on my heart strings is my children. They lost every single family member and I hurt for them. They love my mum and have easily forgiven her it seems for her not being around much in the last 4 years.

I am limiting contact, I haven’t spoken to her recently and have told her not to visit as I am unwell at the moment with a nasty virus and my thyroid illness and need some time to myself. She is accepting it and not forcing any visits, I suspect she is realising it’s not what i want now. Since our talk last month she seems afraid, when she has rung me she’s been on pins and concerned. She even texts me now in the week asking how I am. I can see she is trying but it’s all a little too late and it’s not what I want now. I will always love my mother but I don’t like the person she is. We can’t erase the damage she and my siblings have done to me but I can make sure it never happens to me again. Right now I need space to get well, I have a lot going on with my health as my GP wants to run even more tests which has spiked my anxiety, I don’t have any time for my family. I have already made it clear to my husband if I am ever taken into hospital the children must go to his dad or mine. My mother isn’t to be told I am in hospital. He was shocked but I made him swear to me he won’t involve my family because I don’t want them near my children, they’d have them near my brother and see it as a way to worm their way back in and I owe them something. We have got this far just the 5 of us with our fathers support, we can keep going.

Thank you.
Julie