Anyway, thank you all for the birthday greetings and wishes. I can’t expressed or tell you how grateful I am finding this community in my very darkest moment of life.

And if you guys won’t mind, I would like to share my doubts on one thing now. Maybe any of you could give me some advice and help me to see things clearer as I can’t really trust my judgement nowadays.

So like I said earlier, I have come clean to my Mother about I’m having relapse. She offered me to help with all my debts and asked me to move back to my hometown. But I’ve been trying to tell her, that years before my addiction got worse, I have become a passive user of meth in my hometown. That somehow scared me a bit, that moving back there means I would still have access to meth. And I can guarantee that whenever I want it so bad, I can manipulate my Mom in any way so I could feed my addiction. She thought she could contain me somehow, but I honestly doubt it. She had no experience dealing with addict before. She wouldn’t know the phase I’m in. Like the first two weeks where I will be sleeping all the time, or the cloud and the wall phase where I’d be likely spend my days starring at the empty space. Or the time where I’d be extra sensitive and grumpy and cranky all the time. I’m afraid I will be giving her some hard time.

Meanwhile, I do have this sponsor/support in another town I used to work years ago. This friend of mine have been working in NGO and dealing with addicts for years. She knows me best with this addiction. She also has been offering me to move in with her for awhile till I can get in my own two feet. She told she’d find me a job and take care of me there. And the most important thing is, I don’t have any access to meth if I stay with her.

I have tried to tell this to my Mom. But I guess she’s just being a Mom. It seems like she’s not allowing anyone to help me but her. She wants me to rely only on her. She even pushed some of the friends I have left. She said that it’ll be the best for me to stay low for awhile, as if I’m disappearing from all of my friends, to later come back after everything has been settled and I’m all way better.

It feels like my intuition is telling me to go to move in with my friend to a different town instead of moving back in with my Mom and my family. But then again, I don’t know for sure is this really intuition or is it this manipulative and tricky demon inside who just too afraid to be contained if I stay at home under my Mom’s supervision? I have agreed to my Mom’s offer though, but can’t help thinking back and forth between these 2 choices. I used to always believe that when you made the right decision, you will feel calm and sure inside your heart. But this time, I don’t. Does this mean I’m not making the right decision by saying yes to move back with my family?

Please help me see things clearer and make the right decision.