February 2, 2017 at 9:42 am #126594
I’ve never shared my story in any online forum or group and community before. I always thought it’s irrelevant, telling your problems to strangers who can’t do anything to help. But today I don’t know how long I could survive this depression, it feels like I’m just one click away from killing myself. Therefore, I’d like to leave something behind. I don’t know if anybody would read this, but I hope one day, if a meth addict like me, browsing through the internet and forums and finds this, it could help in anyway that’s possible.
My name is Dee. Two days from now, I’ll turned to 28. I was a passive meth user since 2004, but I stopped using in 2007. Been clean from any kind of drugs for more than 7 years, I started using again in early 2014. It was recreational, at first. Smoke it only to have some fun nights with my girl and my roomate.
I was having the time of my life back then. Enjoying my film study at college, I was one of the best student. I got highest grade most of the time, the professors love me, everybody wants to be my friend. I was working as a freelance writer, director and video editor and was making a lot of money from it. Me and everybody who knows me were so sure that I’ll have a bright life ahead.
And then things got more intense. As time goes by, my work load starting to get crazy. Lots of videos are waiting to be edited, that means long hours of staying up in front of the computer. I started to use meth regularly to help get the works done. With meth help, I was able to make loads of money and still manage to be excellent in school, be a good partner to my gf and be a great daughter for my Mom for a year in 2014.
Then early 2015, I had to take a leave from my study for a semester. This is because a good friend of mine doesn’t have enough money to pay for the tuition yet she’s already on the final limits on taking a leave. She has to take this semester or got dropped out from college. So I lend her my money and take a leave instead. Little do I know that using meth while having daily activities and using while not having any routines would make a huge difference.
So I spent everyday and everynight working in front of the computer. Longer working hours only means more meth. I started draw myself away from my friends and locked myself up in my room, working and using. My gf who lived in with me starting to notice this unhealthy pattern and warned me about this excessive use of meth everyday but somehow I could always assure her that everything is under control.
And things were really getting out of hands. Me and my gf lived in the same room but we barely have quality times because I spent most of my days sleeping and working or using at nights. I spent all of my fees to buy more meth. Eventually when my dose goes up, I need to buy more and more. I started to get complaints on my work quality. I no longer pay attention to small details, I just want to get it done as soon as possible. Slowly, people stopped giving me works to do. I stopped making money, but did not stop using. I spent all of my savings, my gf’s savings, sold my cameras, laptops and many other things just for meth. I’m in deep debts to a lot of people in less than a year.
Tired of coping up with all my lies and promises to quit, my gf left me in then end of 2015, broke up with me and moved back to her parents home. Being left alone, I only got worse. Making even more debts than I can ever imagine. Eventually, in one night, my gf came to my place and forced me to seek help, to come clean to my Mom. After two hours of arguments, I finally agreed. That was 21st of November 2015, I promise I’ll quit meth to her and my Mom.
I did. For more than a year, I really didn’t smoke a single meth. I started to gain my life back, paid some of my debts, starting to get jobs again. My gf even came back to me, support me the whole way through my recovery.
It was this early January, a colleague suddenly called me and asked for a meet up. Said he has this work offer for me. That day, I just got home after a long hours driving from out of town. Feeling exhausted, still, I agreed to meet him anyway. We ended up in a club that night. He convinced me that he only needs some shots to relax the nerve, then we’ll move and find another place to talk. I honestly don’t know why I buy it though it is unlikely will be true. He eventually were to drunk to talk about anything. So after the club closed, I put him in a cab and was preparing to go home as well. It was in the parking area, he suddenly ran to me and shake my hand. That moment I noticed, he slipped something into my hand. He thanked me for accompanying him that night and that’s some vitamin to restore my stamina. I’d really want to throw it away off of my hand, but it was a public spot. So I keep it in my hand until I got home. It was a meth package.
In a different situation, I could face meth calmly. But while feeling super tired when you have so much work to do in the next day? My body shakes just to think about it. I didn’t use it right away, I chose to sleep it off. On the next day, I tried to do my activity normally. But feeling so tired all the time from lack of sleep qhile in a trip made me failed to get any work done. The feelings started to come back, the thoughts how I get all my work done with meth, strikes into my head. I finally decided to use it.
Ever since then, until now, there is almost no day pass by without me using it again. My gf left me, my Mom didn’t say anything but I’m quite sure she already knows that I’m relapsing. And in only a month, I spent what I’ve worked hard for over the year. I even already made some small debts.
Now here I am. Feeling so tired of everything. People say life is a constant battle, and this time I’d really want to give up. For anybody who read this, please, don’t judge. You have no idea how it feels like to fight addiction and always in a war with yourself. Nobody wants to be addicted to any substance. We did not choose to. Educate yourself, addiction is a disease. Help your loved ones to heal from it.
Thanks for reading this long post. I wish you all a great life.
February 2, 2017 at 11:03 am #126600
- This topic was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Dee Dee.
What if it doesn’t matter how many times you tried, succeeded and failed to remained away from meth? What if it does not matter that your mother and girlfriend- and anyone else- is disappointed of you?
What if it doesn’t matter how many more times you will stay away from meth and then come back to it?
What if… all that mattered was you looking at your life at this moment- and the next, and the next after that- and see what there is to see, learn what there is to learn?
Meth has been your solution to that ongoing, excess fear, anxiety. There are many other solutions people try, solutions that work only for the short term. Solutions that create more problems. If you read stories here, you will see that many people suffer greatly. You are not alone. You do have company.
To make your story inspirational to others who suffer, keep the story alive by keeping its protagonist alive. Let her keep telling her story-
anitaFebruary 2, 2017 at 3:10 pm #126613AnonymousInactive
You seem to be in a pickle. Actually, lets me honest, you´re going through hell. Feeling that your life is slipping through your fingers and you have no control what so ever over your being, your mind, your body and your thoughts. I don´t know an addiction to meth, but I know a hard-core addiction to smoking and my ex-boyfriend. Unlike meth, smoking is socially allowed and even if its expensive it doesnt compare to meth. My addiction to my boyfriend is not even visible, but it makes me want to die as well. Not being able to see him, feel him and be with him. Its love, but love can be a drug as well. And when you can´t get your fix its unberable. Unfortunately for me he´s not for sale, or I would have done the same thing you did, I would have sold my laptop, my camera and gotten into debt just to be with him.
So I know, way different levels. Nevertheless, I know adiction. I know the incapacity of not being able to control it, of letting it have a life of its own.
I´m sorry, I´m sorry you´re struggling so much.I´m sorry you´re going through this. We´re all in the same hell just different devils. However, I do agree with the endless things I´ve read. We HOLD THE POWER, but our minds are so weak that we we´ve let them govern our lives.
I can´t really give you advise as to how to quit meth and get your life together. Because I find my self in the same situation, just different drug. The only thing I can offer you is my support. If you need someone to vent with write at firstname.lastname@example.orgFebruary 2, 2017 at 3:28 pm #126614
Reading your story, it seems you are gifted and most people can only wish they had the chances or the ability to keep bouncing back like you have.
Please, please know that what you have experienced is powerful and if you were to give it all up, then your position to harness it and to help others who are dealing with an addiction whilst being ‘judged’, those helpless human beings who have strayed down the wrong path, like you have, will have another light extinguished, someone who has made it out of the cycle and been clean for a period.
You have greatness waiting to get out, just take it by the minute, long as you have and in breath and an out breath you have a light that people need. – N JFebruary 3, 2017 at 6:42 am #126634
Thank you for your kind reply. The thing is, I never wanted to be inspirational. I used to be a very positive and optimistic person, I used to believe there’s a reason behind everything that happened and there’s always something to learn. But after these 3 years, I feel like I have lost all those values. I lost my vision of life. I can’t seem to find what’s the reason behind all these chaos. Is it my karma? Have I done anything really bad in my life that makes me deserve this? Or is this just a test to make me a better human? I don’t even know what’s right or wrong anymore.
It feels like I have lost myself somewhere along this mess. How could I find her again? How could you be you again?
Dee.February 3, 2017 at 6:55 am #126635
Please know that your kind and sincere response to my post, gives me such a warm feeling I haven’t felt for some time.
Yes, I believe that addiction, in any form, is torturing. I can understand your addiction towards your bf is also killing you. But the thing with my meth addiction is it changed me to the worst version of myself. I lied to many people, especially thoae who loved me. I hurt them to feed my addiction. I am so ashamed of myself to the point I can’t even look in the mirror and not wanting to kill myself.
I don’t know how my story will end, but I sincerely wisj that yours will turn out to be a happy ending. Keep the light of love fire up in you, Regina. But the most important thing is, don’t forget to love yourself.
Dee.February 3, 2017 at 7:14 am #126636
When you put it that way, I can’t help but remember that tomorrow I will turn to 28 and nothing that I’ve done can make me feel proud of myself. So how could I be all the things that you said above?
It feels like what’s waiting for me is only another storm that’s going to tear me apart. And I don’t think it’s a greatness at all.
I am sorry if I sound self-pity or very pesimistuc but truly, I can’t seem to find any positive reason to keep me going. Nevertheless, thank you, thank you for your efforts to share me some positive thoughts. I can’t thank you enough for that.
Dee.February 3, 2017 at 8:23 am #126645
the greatness I see lies in whats already there, that lies dormant. I cannot imagine how hard it is to over come a meth addiction but alcohol was what I used. We all have a mind controlled by the ego which runs out of control, the monkey mind that makes us as human beings spiral into a cycle of clinging.
I suppose when I read:
“I was having the time of my life back then. Enjoying my film study at college, I was one of the best student. I got highest grade most of the time, the professors love me, everybody wants to be my friend. I was working as a freelance writer, director and video editor and was making a lot of money from it. Me and everybody who knows me were so sure that I’ll have a bright life ahead.”
I saw a person who once on the right path and free of attachment is unstoppable. Everything you think that is wrong is just what your mind tells you, this doesn’t make it real. Seeing that will take your commitment to use the help around you, online everywhere, though you may feel alone in this, you are not. Whether you seek insights from other people that have overcome their addiction or seek motivation from other ‘strugglers’ you can relate to, see how you would help them if they were in ddire need, just know that you can move past this patch and you love yourself enough to give you a chance. Change things up, do something different even if you’re not that keen, there’s always a way to motivate yourself.
Start with changing one little thing and focus on that motivate to changing that little thing. There is always people online an a community with people that are there for you. We will help you find you if you promise to take little steps.February 3, 2017 at 8:38 am #126647
I am glad you replied to all who responded to you, and so graciously.
In my post to you I suggested: “What if… all that mattered was you looking at your life at this moment- and the next, and the next after that- and see what there is to see, learn what there is to learn?”
In your response to me you wrote: “I used to believe there’s a reason behind everything that happened and there’s always something to learn… I can’t seem to find what’s the reason behind all these chaos. Is it my karma? Have I done anything really bad in my life that makes me deserve this? Or is this just a test to make me a better human?”
This is not what I meant in you seeing-what-there-is-to-see and learning-what-there-is-to-learn. I do not at all believe that “there’s a reason behind everything that happen(s)”, that there is a god entity that sets things in motion ahead of time, for a reason or a test. I also don’t believe in personal karma.
When person A commits a wrong, it is not at all necessarily person A that suffers from it, another person (or many people, if person A is in position of power, such as in politics and economics) will suffer.
Things that happen, happen randomly or as a result of acts done by multiple people.
What I meant by learning is learning the reality and truth of what-is. The truth about what motivate you as well as what motivates the people in your life; what are your mental habits, how they started and how they play in your current life.
What do you think about my meaning of seeing and learning?
anitaFebruary 4, 2017 at 6:42 am #126692InkyParticipant
My thought about this is: You got clean once, and you can do it again! Ask your mom for money so you can go into a rehab facility. You tried to manage this on your own. And you DID succeed! For more than a year! Now manage it with tons of support. I bet that will make help make all the difference.
You CAN do this!
InkyFebruary 4, 2017 at 7:07 am #126694Stacey RoyceParticipant
Dee Dee, you took the first step of sharing your challenge and seeking help. Consider that encouraging. Right now you are lacking confidence and faith in yourself and don’t see any value in who you are. I challenge that. There was something you wrote that you glossed over in your story, something extraordinary and beautiful and giving. You gave up a semester of your schooling to allow a friend to complete hers and you financed it. You unselfishly gave someone else and extraordinary gift and sacrificed your own progress so that she could succeed. How does that make you feel? Can you allow yourself to feel uplifted and good and worthy for this action? Can you create a little space in the cloak of despair that you are experiencing to allow yourself to feel your value?
You don’t actually need to do things like this to be worthy of love and compassion but it’s clear that you have a thoughtful and generous nature – this is who you are. We all have our demons and it takes daily practice and a network of support to keep those demons in line. The demons don’t go away but our light gets brighter as we practice being compassionate and loving to ourselves and, by extension, to others. Remember who you are in your core – thoughtful and generous and reflective are just a handful of your qualities – and each day practice those things so that your light expands from the inside out. As with anything, you will have good days and bad days. Do not give up on yourself on the bad days and have your support network close by. You can do this.February 4, 2017 at 11:36 am #126717Laurie62Participant
Dee, addiction is a horrible disease and meth a difficult drug to quit. You can do it, though, because you are worthy of a good and sober life. Happy 28th Birthday. You are young and have much to look forward to. I am 54 years old, in recovery for many years, but I’ve had relapses, too. I am currently going to school to become a substance abuse counselor. With your background in film and writing, your experience with addiction and struggle can be documented to reach others. I hope you can find support to stay clean. I am not a fan of 12 step groups, but if they are available, try NA. Take what you can use and leave the rest. There are also many good online groups, Women for Sobriety is one of them. Don’t give up. I am living proof that recovery is possible. Be good to yourself and develop a routine every day. Learn how to deal with your inner critic. You are a good person with a terrible disease! Please post and keep us updated on your progress.February 4, 2017 at 11:58 am #126718
Happy 28 Birthday, Dee-
anitaFebruary 4, 2017 at 12:02 pm #126719
Happy Birthday Dee – N JFebruary 5, 2017 at 10:04 pm #126861XenopusTexParticipant
And, yet, we have people say that meth (and other drug dealers) aren’t threats to the community. *Bangs head*.