Hi alicharlie,

I speak from personal experience…

You have two choices (and can go back and forth between the two!)

1. Accept your father the way he is.

The hardest part of being an adult is the realization that our parents aren’t perfect. Far from it! And not only that, some people should not be married and should not have children.

You might think he gives everything to the second family. No. It’s more like the wife finagled her own $$ or shared accounts with your dad early on. And if she suddenly dropped dead he would ignore those children as well. With these older men there is a common practice of letting the wife run the family’s social calendar. He doesn’t buy things for them. Not at all. The wife makes the house and the vacations happen.

And some people try to make the second half of their lives fantastic. If they viewed themselves as a failure in the first half of their life (he was) it will be like the first 40 or 50 years never existed. You are just evidence of HIS failure in life. Not yours!! HIS!!!

Bottom line: You cannot change the older generations.

2. You can give him social fallout by not contacting him. He has to contact you. Years might parade by. You will be accused of being a bad daughter. But you reply your father has problems and the phone works both ways.

In short, it’s either radical acceptance or it’s like he doesn’t exist.

Best,

Inky

P.S. I practice radical acceptance during the holidays.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Inky.