Hi anita,

The last week has been incomprehensible. So much has happened.

As a result of asking the girl to be my valentine, I’ve got to know her much better and I’ve learned that she likes me back.

I’ve also realised that the problems I’ll have to face are completely different to what I’d thought they were when I first posted.

For one, I’ve learned that the girl was over her past relationship long before it had ended. They had been barely holding it together for the last few months. She was undeniably ready to move on, but he was clingy and manipulative and made it immensely difficult for her. She kissed me on our date and has shown various signs suggesting she likes me in that way. For this reason, my worries about being in a rebound relationship or things not working out are easily dismissed.

But the problem now lies on my side of the relationship.

Before I go on it’s probably worth giving a bit of context to my mindset at the time of writing. On our date I was around the girl for about twelve hours. We talked about so much that it got to the point where neither of us had anything left to discuss, and with us both being introverts, we became exhausted and delirious (but it actually made the date for me, because being that exhausted was hysterical).

I’m also feeling very disconnected from myself. I need time to switch off after being too social, and over the last week I haven’t had one day where this was possible. Every time I’ve met with friends I’ve discussed my date. Much of it comes from their own curiosity, the other half is me wanting their advice on what to do next. Either way, I haven’t switched off and had time to recollect my thoughts properly. I also haven’t stopped thinking about the situation for at least a week. It has consumed my life to the point where I haven’t even thought about things that had been priorities a week ago during the last few days.

On top of all this, I’ve been busy virtually every day and consider myself fairly sleep deprived.

So I now stand having to face my own anxieties and insecurities about the prospect of continuing with the relationship. They’re all very irrational, but I feel getting to the bottom of them may help me make sense of my situation.

The day after our date I found myself thinking about speaking to a lonely girl at a University applicant day, as I would back before I’d met the girl. I felt seriously bad about this and spoke to a friend, who told me it seemed fairly normal given the fact that I was just coming to terms with the fact that the date had actually worked out, and I was in disbelief. I came to the personal conclusion that perhaps the reason I had felt like speaking to another girl was not because I wasn’t happy with the girl I’d dated, but because I longed for the period before dating, when there were no commitments or risk or being hurt. I feel this is the way my anxiety about the relationship is manifesting: looking at alternatives to prevent the relationship from happening.

I spoke to the girls best friend, who told me that she had been with numerous boys who had used her to try and get with the girl. This made me feel immensely guilty. Although I hadn’t done this, and the girl’s best friend is a close friend of mine, this knowledge seemed to almost objectify the girl in my mind. She is very experienced, and has had around nine or ten previous boyfriends, many of them long term. Her past two relationships had lasted around nine months. For this reason I feel like I’m overlooking how amazing she actually is because of how attractive she is, I feel almost guilty about pursuing her, and I feel like if we go out, the relationship won’t survive past about nine months.

I found myself fantasising about going out with a friend of the opposite sex. I don’t feel attracted to her in that way, but I’m certain I was thinking about her because I felt almost bad for pursuing the girl. I think much of this comes from the idea of competition too: I know a lot of guys are interested in the girl and still would be if we went out, but I know barely any would be for my friend of the opposite sex.

I also feel like there’s no tension with my friend of the opposite sex. The girl is completely normal around me, but I find myself slightly nervous and acting out of the ordinary around her. I used to be able to talk to the girl about anything when I wasn’t interested in her in that way, and I didn’t overthink when talking to her. Now, because I do like her in that way, I find myself holding back and over-analysing conversations.

It occurs to me that at the time of writing I’m not head over heels for her. I was infatuated at one point, and my feelings now are nowhere near as intense by comparison. While I do still think I love her, my feels waver because of my anxieties.

I’ve also realised within the last few days that it seems natural not to feel intense feelings at the dating stage. My two closest friends said for their relationships they had about a month where it was just ‘nice’ before any intense feelings of love really developed. If this is the case I’m certain my feelings for her could become much stronger like they were when I was infatuated with her.

Sorry for the long post! Any advice or comments you have regarding my anxieties or situation would be greatly appreciated. They have been invaluable in the past.

Thanks, Harry