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  • #151448
    Verge1
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Today she broke off the relationship with me as neither of us were happy. I am heartbroken and miss how good things had been just little over a month prior.

    Thanks, Harry

    #151252
    Verge1
    Participant

    Dear whoever may be reading this,

    I plan on meeting my girlfriend sometime tomorrow to talk about everything.

    Will let you know how it all goes,

    Thanks,

    Harry

     

    #151248
    Verge1
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    A huge amount has happened since I started posting here a little before Valentine’s day. The problems I faced then are definitely no more than a distant memory, with the exception of overthinking. We are now officially going out: my feelings for her came rushing back, and I’ve spoken to her about my problems and anxieties since. She’s been very understanding, and much of that is due to the fact that she suffers from severe generalised anxiety.

    In many cases of anxiety, suffers end up having to deal with ‘bad thoughts’: for her, these are the urges to self harm, kill herself, and a poor body image. We had a mutual friend who effectively served as a third wheel at the time, and he opened up to us in telling us he thought he had schizophrenia. We went to hospital appointments with him, and gave him emotional support when things were bad. I’d seen him so frequently that it had started to wear down on me, given the fact that he relied on me so much, and started seeing him less. She explained to me that her anxiety is triggered just by thinking about her condition, and she used to suffer with many of the same things experienced by our mutual friend. When he talked about it near constantly, it made her own mental state bad, so she cut him off entirely. I told her not to blame herself for doing so as it wasn’t her fault. Later she began talking about it as though it was his fault (because he should’ve been more considerate), despite the fact he was obviously oblivious to the fact that it affected her.

    This mental instability continued into the next month, where she began acting slightly strange around me. Having previously been very publicly affectionate towards me, she began rejecting this affection, which made me feel like she didn’t love me. I addressed it, suggesting it might be a result of her body image problems, and she agreed. I was happy just to know it wasn’t me. Shortly afterwards she had an anxiety-fuelled breakdown, in which she messaged me saying she had the urge to self harm. I tried my best to calm her down, but found it increasingly difficult because I was panicked and she treated me horribly as she vented her anger. She ended up self harming in the end, and it seriously upset and disturbed me, feeling like it had been my fault. This came at a bad time, when I was simultaneously trying to complete both my university choices and my coursework. When combined, this put me in the worst mental state I have ever been in. Despite knowing she couldn’t control her anxiety, I felt angry toward her, as I’d put off doing coursework and deciding on my university to help her, only for her to treat me badly and end up self-harming anyhow. We talked it out and resolved the problem, but another couple of arguments followed.

    The next argument came on a day when she barely spoke to me at all, and when I tried to hug her to cheer up the obvious bad mood she’d been in, she snapped at me.  This had really upset me, as once again I’d been mistreated for trying to help her and it seemed like I was the only one being treated this way. I stormed off without telling her what she’d done (she didn’t realise) and after resolving things, she told me to tell her directly if she’d upset me. She later explained she hadn’t wanted to hug since she’d been in pain and on her period, but also because she was having trouble showing affection.

    The final argument came when she was feeling bad, and when cheering her up, I told her that I had thought of a way I could help her with anxiety attacks without it upsetting me too. This upset her, and she claimed that I’d made her problems about myself, later telling me that she was having an anxiety attack while we were arguing (something she hadn’t previously mentioned). We argued and she realised she had been harsh on me. I ended the night by finding a way to distance myself from the emotional trauma of her bad thoughts so I could help her, and managed to calm her down like I wish I had the first time. She said I’d massively helped, and recovered over the next few days. We talked more openly about her mental illness and in coming to understand it better, become much closer again.

    I’d hoped that that would be the end of it, but she was still acting strange around me. When around her house she was talking less and being much less affectionate. Soon, in school, she was barely speaking to me at all. When she did she would make a harsh comment, which would upset me. I confronted her about this and she apologised, saying that she had also upset one of her other friends doing the same thing that day. I started to notice that she was showing other people (especially one of my other friends) affection, but not me (she definitely doesn’t like him in that way though). She told me that she’d been struggling because she had become numb to everything (she says it isn’t linked to her anxiety) and while she knew she was in love, she couldn’t feel it. She told me she was also uncomfortable with affection and barely talking to me because she feared she’d upset me. She’d been trying to joke like we used to, but it had only upset me as what she was saying was just harsh: there wasn’t a comedic tone to it, it wasn’t lovingly teasing like we used to, it was just insulting. In essence, what she had been doing to try and avoid upsetting me had actually been all that was upsetting me. I have explained this to her, but to this day she still acts strange around me. The harshness of her jokes likely links to the fact that, feeling numb, she struggles to read emotions.

    On the last day of school, she barely spoke to me again, though things did seem a little better. Everyone had pictures together, and she had a picture hugging my friend. Afterwards she said that she’d better have a picture with me or I’ll start crying, telling the entire group. She later claimed this was a joke, but the reality was that it hurt to see her embrace my friend in a picture and awkwardly stand next to me by contrast. We had been so in love just a month prior. I explained how she’d upset me, and she said that everything she did was upsetting me, but apologised and we said that we loved each other.

    I went to meet her with the rest of the group for drinks after school, and she talked to my friends but not me. When I told everyone I was leaving I waved to say goodbye. She put her hand out as though she wanted to hold it, but then tried to take my cigarette instead. I was shocked and disgusted and left in a bad state. I cried the entire walk home.

    The next day we were going out for her friends birthday. She dropped off her things at my house earlier, seeming excited to see me like normal, and passionately kissed me before leaving. I was under the impression things would be fine again, but later that night, she embraced my friend, excited to see him, and I got a measly ‘hi’. I tried to start numerous conversations with her and failed time and time again. On the way home she spoke to everyone else, I walked ahead in isolation. At my house she came upstairs, got ready for bed, and when I came in offered me a sad, understanding smile. I gestured to hug her and she said no, so once again, back to square one, we said nothing and went to sleep. Except, I didn’t really sleep at all because of the heat. She woke up on several occasions and I offered her water for her hangover each time. In the morning she gradually became more and more affectionate, and soon things seemed almost normal again. I asked if she wanted to talk about Friday and Saturday and she fell silent. Conversation soon returned to normal and things seemed fine, the exception being that she didn’t say I love you or kiss me before leaving, and I realised for the last few days it had been me every time.

    It had been more than 48 hours after leaving and she hadn’t spoken to me at all over messages. I sent her an instagram post and she opened it and didn’t reply. My friends encouraged me to try and talk to her, so today, I messaged her: ‘How you feeling?’

    She replied ‘good’, clearly making no effort to continue the conversation at all, and I suppose this is where I find myself now.

    Sorry for the long post, but I am unsure what to do. I have never been in a situation like this before. In a month I went from the happiest I’ve ever been to the most miserable, and everytime a problem seems resolved another seems to come up. Now she isn’t talking to me or showing me affection, and previously I’d felt like I trusted her and could talk to her more than anyone. She doesn’t seem to want to talk about our problems despite telling me I should tell her if I had any. She hasn’t changed how she’s been acting particularly even after telling her that it upsets me. What upsets me more than anything is knowing that the only problems caused in this relationship have been caused by mental illness. Even if she was back to normal, I’m not even sure whether I would be able to be the same way I once was around her. In the past she told me she loved me more than anything, and she’s the only girl I’ve ever fallen in love with, but honestly, I’m struggling to see any way I could sustain this relationship.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated,

    Thank you,

    Harry

     

    #128115
    Verge1
    Participant

    Dear anita

    Thank you for your advice and praise, I’ve spoken to many of my friends about my anxieties over these past few days but we’re all at roughly the same level of experience so it’s difficult to break them down. Being able to talk about my experiences on tinybuddha has really helped, and your advice has truly been invaluable in breaking down my overthinking, a habit I thought I’d broke out of when I finally conquered my own social anxiety.

    In a way I see this relationship anxiety as the last hurdle. I expect my anxiety may return from time to time, but at least with experience I’ll be all the wiser. I expect I’ll post again sometime to let you know how it all goes.

    I’ll remember what you said as I go forward with my second date. I’m very excited too.

    Thanks so much,
    Harry

    #128101
    Verge1
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I am certainly glad to hear that the thoughts I’ve been having are normal. I’m particularly relieved to hear that I shouldn’t blame myself as I was feeling immensely guilty.

    I think what it’s worth bearing in mind with my situation is that my anxieties aren’t too prevalent. I have had fairly bad social anxiety in the past and my feelings over the past week haven’t came close to that level of severity. What’s more is that I only conquered social anxiety by being more social, just like I’ll likely only conquer my relationship anxiety by experiencing a relationship. While sleep deprived and exhausted I found my worries surfaced, but I don’t see them as a major obstacle for the relationship, at least not something that couldn’t be overcome with a little time. A friend of mine described his first relationship as initially “daunting” and I feel that more closely reflects my feelings as opposed to me being “nervous”. I think many people in a similar situation may have had thoughts like these and probably just dismissed them, but perhaps because of my own introversion I felt the need to analyse and dwell on them and feel guilty about them.

    It’s also worth noting that I am only eighteen, and three months ago I was still legally a child. I’ve never been in a relationship before, and everyone I’ve spoken to has claimed to have gone through something similar when they started dating. Obviously because the whole process is later for me, it seems a little harder to dismiss, but I don’t think that quite warrants therapy.

    I feel like the way forward probably is to simply proceed with the relationship. What I am aware of is that my fear of rejection probably resides in my lack of experience on the physical side of relationships. Virtually everyone I know at my age has had some kind of sexual experience in the past, so I’m very much in the dark. Despite this, what the girls best friend told me is that she is obviously aware of my lack of physical experience, and is willing to be patient. It doesn’t put her off of me. And in that sense I am feeling much better about the relationship.

    I feel the other main source of my scepticism of relationships comes from those my friends have had in the past. One my best friends stopped talking to me almost entirely as the result of an extremely committed relationship. Fortunately he came back, but I another one of my friends broke off contact with entirely because of a relationship. I found myself distanced from another friend who was once very close to me because of a relationship that changed him. I suppose in many ways this put me off of relationships, but now I’ve found someone I consider worth the risk. What’s more is that my two best friends have also found themselves dating recently, and we’re all still seeing each other frequently. We’re all very understanding of each others situations, and are even talking about going out together as couples.

    I’ve came to realise is that I remember that when I held her hand all of my anxieties seemed to just disappear. I’ve been talking to her non-stop for days and I’m certainly feeling less anxious, much like how I used to feel. I’m also feeling much warmer towards her: perhaps getting these anxieties off of my chest yesterday has allowed me to move on?

    Either way I’m confronted with the fact that I’ve never been in love with anyone else. This girl seems near perfect for me, and I’m not the most picky person when it comes to relationships but I’ve never felt strongly enough to act on my feelings before. I feel like if I were to choose not to proceed with the relationship I wouldn’t have another for a while. It just feels like that would worsen my
    anxieties by having to initiate a sexual relationship even later in life.

    Last but far from least I was very worried about the fact that my feelings for her wavered, but I understand that at the very beginning of a relationship they’re still developing, and as such, I can’t expect to be head over heels for her even if I wanted to be. I must be patient and give myself time. I’ve still only been on one date and I’m thinking of planning the next one soon.

    Do you feel what I’ve said is justified or do you have any suggestions? I am open to therapy but I’ve battled much worse anxiety in the past myself and I’ve came out on the other end a much better person for it. I feel I can move past it once again.

    Thanks once again for your input,

    Harry

    #127943
    Verge1
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    The last week has been incomprehensible. So much has happened.

    As a result of asking the girl to be my valentine, I’ve got to know her much better and I’ve learned that she likes me back.

    I’ve also realised that the problems I’ll have to face are completely different to what I’d thought they were when I first posted.

    For one, I’ve learned that the girl was over her past relationship long before it had ended. They had been barely holding it together for the last few months. She was undeniably ready to move on, but he was clingy and manipulative and made it immensely difficult for her. She kissed me on our date and has shown various signs suggesting she likes me in that way. For this reason, my worries about being in a rebound relationship or things not working out are easily dismissed.

    But the problem now lies on my side of the relationship.

    Before I go on it’s probably worth giving a bit of context to my mindset at the time of writing. On our date I was around the girl for about twelve hours. We talked about so much that it got to the point where neither of us had anything left to discuss, and with us both being introverts, we became exhausted and delirious (but it actually made the date for me, because being that exhausted was hysterical).

    I’m also feeling very disconnected from myself. I need time to switch off after being too social, and over the last week I haven’t had one day where this was possible. Every time I’ve met with friends I’ve discussed my date. Much of it comes from their own curiosity, the other half is me wanting their advice on what to do next. Either way, I haven’t switched off and had time to recollect my thoughts properly. I also haven’t stopped thinking about the situation for at least a week. It has consumed my life to the point where I haven’t even thought about things that had been priorities a week ago during the last few days.

    On top of all this, I’ve been busy virtually every day and consider myself fairly sleep deprived.

    So I now stand having to face my own anxieties and insecurities about the prospect of continuing with the relationship. They’re all very irrational, but I feel getting to the bottom of them may help me make sense of my situation.

    The day after our date I found myself thinking about speaking to a lonely girl at a University applicant day, as I would back before I’d met the girl. I felt seriously bad about this and spoke to a friend, who told me it seemed fairly normal given the fact that I was just coming to terms with the fact that the date had actually worked out, and I was in disbelief. I came to the personal conclusion that perhaps the reason I had felt like speaking to another girl was not because I wasn’t happy with the girl I’d dated, but because I longed for the period before dating, when there were no commitments or risk or being hurt. I feel this is the way my anxiety about the relationship is manifesting: looking at alternatives to prevent the relationship from happening.

    I spoke to the girls best friend, who told me that she had been with numerous boys who had used her to try and get with the girl. This made me feel immensely guilty. Although I hadn’t done this, and the girl’s best friend is a close friend of mine, this knowledge seemed to almost objectify the girl in my mind. She is very experienced, and has had around nine or ten previous boyfriends, many of them long term. Her past two relationships had lasted around nine months. For this reason I feel like I’m overlooking how amazing she actually is because of how attractive she is, I feel almost guilty about pursuing her, and I feel like if we go out, the relationship won’t survive past about nine months.

    I found myself fantasising about going out with a friend of the opposite sex. I don’t feel attracted to her in that way, but I’m certain I was thinking about her because I felt almost bad for pursuing the girl. I think much of this comes from the idea of competition too: I know a lot of guys are interested in the girl and still would be if we went out, but I know barely any would be for my friend of the opposite sex.

    I also feel like there’s no tension with my friend of the opposite sex. The girl is completely normal around me, but I find myself slightly nervous and acting out of the ordinary around her. I used to be able to talk to the girl about anything when I wasn’t interested in her in that way, and I didn’t overthink when talking to her. Now, because I do like her in that way, I find myself holding back and over-analysing conversations.

    It occurs to me that at the time of writing I’m not head over heels for her. I was infatuated at one point, and my feelings now are nowhere near as intense by comparison. While I do still think I love her, my feels waver because of my anxieties.

    I’ve also realised within the last few days that it seems natural not to feel intense feelings at the dating stage. My two closest friends said for their relationships they had about a month where it was just ‘nice’ before any intense feelings of love really developed. If this is the case I’m certain my feelings for her could become much stronger like they were when I was infatuated with her.

    Sorry for the long post! Any advice or comments you have regarding my anxieties or situation would be greatly appreciated. They have been invaluable in the past.

    Thanks, Harry

    #127219
    Verge1
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    I asked her out for valentines day and she said yes! We’re both thrilled and it’s exactly what I needed to get to know her better.

    Thankyou so much,

    Harry

    #127208
    Verge1
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your understanding. Reading it now I can’t believe I didn’t realise what the problem was sooner.

    The loss of my infatuation is definitely a defence mechanism, because I’m afraid she’ll break my heart.

    She’s never been unkind to me whatsoever, but I feel she’s been harsh to other people before. I’ve heard stories about her mistreating her friends when she was in a relationship a couple of years ago, but it’s to my understanding that she doesn’t like talking about her past because she regrets it. I worry there’s a whole side to her I don’t understand, and undoubtedly a large portion of these feelings come from the fact that she’s as social as she is. She started speaking to me while in a relationship (though only as friends), and even though she wouldn’t have cheated, I have this insecurity that she might find someone better while we’re together. She has a lot of connections and doesn’t talk about herself nearly as much as I’d like her to.

    I spoke to her for most of today and I’m almost certain that she likes me in that way, but I feel like she might need some time to get over her past relationship.

    I was thinking of asking her to be my valentine. Neither of us really believe in the idea behind valentines day, which would make the occasion pretty easy going as we wouldn’t take it too seriously. I think the chances are she’d say yes, and seeing her one-to-one would be a great way to get to know her better, and it’s not committing to anything long-term yet. My only worry is that I feel somewhat unprepared given valentines day is in five days time.

    Thanks again,

    Harry

    #127184
    Verge1
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    In previous potential relationships I do seem to remember losing my edge and interest randomly after a certain period of time. At the time I just thought I didn’t like them anymore, but looking back I think it might have been this fear of rejection.

    It never occurred to me this is what it might’ve been. While I’d spoken to my friends about my anxieties about being in a relationship with the girl before, I hadn’t thought it might be the reason my feelings had changed. In a way I suppose I did notice it, I just didn’t connect the dots.

    In general I’m not usually too worried about being left out or rejected. I think it’s just specifically in romantic relationships.

    Thanks, Harry

    #127126
    Verge1
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I’m certain that what you suggested is at least somewhat true. I can’t help but feel anxious when picturing the two of us together because I’ve never had a proper relationship before and don’t completely know what to expect.

    I’m not worried that I couldn’t have a relationship with her. I definitely feel we could start dating, but I think my concerns lie in what happens afterward, the relationship itself. I’m worried because I feel like I’d mess it up or do something wrong to ruin it all.

    My question to you is, how do I overcome this fear?

    Thanks again for your response,

    Harry

Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)