Thank you Anita

I am waking up more and more each time I am speaking to her. She made a slight effort for 2 weeks after our deep heart to heart at Christmas, she rang me twice a week and would call asking how I was. Since there has been no effort, nothing at all and I am realising that’s ok and I don’t need her. I will allow the children to see her as they are asking to but I am protecting myself. My mother is acting like she hates me now when we speak, she is cold and rude, yes it hurt but it has made me stronger because now I hold no guilt for walking away. I know my mum feels sad things are like this, and I think she just thinks I am depressed and cutting everyone off because of that instead of them actually seeing that they are the cause. My mother and siblings are the cause of why I am cutting them off, they are also the cause of the depression and anxiety so I am moving away fully now. I won’t allow the cycle to continue. I feel free. I won’t’ allow the guilt that she is my mother pull me back in. My mother won’t ever learn her behviour is unacceptable if I keep going back to her and letting her visit.

I know she will say ‘well how can I make things right if you haven’t let me visit since our talk at Christmas’. The thing is there is a big difference between a visit for tea and cake, putting on smiles and pretending i am well and fine, then an offer of support. She is fully aware I have a chronic illness and she was fully aware last month I was ill with a flu virus for weeks, yet she offered no support at all. All I got was ‘oh well’ or ‘oh dear’. She only has herself to blame that I am walking away. I cannot even speak to her anymore, the last 2 calls she was telling me she was staying at my sisters house as she had a virus and didn’t want to be alone and the call before was about how they had a mother daughter day together and how wonderful it was….. I feel she likes to stick the knife in and keep hurting me. Making me feel like I am not worthy of her offer of support or love. I won’t allow her to do that to me. I can’t keep every year having a heart to heart, her admitting she’s not been there for me or offered any support and love. Then nothing changes and I am the one left feeling rejected and hurt. No more. I am worth far more and I cannot overcome my anxiety or ill health until I eliminate the triggers.

Julie