Hey there Sammi-

I’ve been thinking about your last post but unable to reply because I’m crazy busy prepping and traveling for an upcoming job.

My overall comment about all that you just said, is, very cool.

Why cool, of all things, you might ask? Because I think you are really starting to get to the root of things, and you’re expressing them very simply and clearly. You are frustrated with things the way they are and confronting them head-on. Becoming not only aware of them (which you were before) but also looking for ways to bust through some of these blockages.

Nervous about the upcoming visit? Worried you’ll look at the wrong eye and turn yourself, or him into a frog? Very normal. You should hear my 40+ year old female friends talk about online dating. Sounds similar. There was an older man who lived around the block from me. I remember him from childhood. Never really knew him, just would see him walking his dog and he would say hello, starting when I was a very little kid. Was the ’round the block’ and Halloween kind of acquaintance of childhood. When his wife died, he eventually started dating. One day I heard him talking to someone about it and guess what? I remember being so surprised that this figure from my early childhood sounded like a teenage girl. So you see, that stuff might seem really acute because you’re a teenager, but it never really goes away (just becomes less seemingly a matter of life and death). In short, don’t worry about worrying about it. It’s normal.

You liken the upcoming to the experience you had in Hawaii where you were too caught up in your own internal world to enjoy the outside world. You are acutely aware of this, and don’t want to repeat that experience. So don’t . If you were to work on figuring out the ways of not letting that happen this time.. what would some of those ways be? You have already gotten to the first step- which is awareness.

Charter school seems scary right now. Change is scary. But what’s the alternative? I do think you’ll benefit from the challenge and the external stimulation. Otherwise you’ll continue to be in the same loop, internalizing things. Not saying it will be super easy but at least there will be some outside stimulation going on.

Building your personal confidence is a slow and steady type process. And ongoing. All of these things are ongoing. Believe it or not, sometimes I still have to remind myself that I’m extremely competent and valued at what I do. You have to remember to be nice to yourself in the process. Accept yourself for who you are and start thinking about how to change things you think need improvement.

To start on this road, I do feel like you need to add some discipline into your daily routine. Do some small things regularly. These could be things that have to do with your own well-being or just things that need to happen. Whether it’s washing and folding your laundry, vacuuming under the bed (yikes!), dealing with the dogs, learning photoshop, adding consistency to your homework/study schedule An ongoing list of small things will build toward something over time. And most importantly – make this an exercise to begin the habit of giving yourself credit whether it’s for cleaning the hair out of the drain or folding socks, give yourself the credit for having done the consistent thing you didn’t really feel like doing but did.. Yes, it feels stupid at first. Start now and get used to it. Make it a habit.

I’m not necessarily talking about the art /creative side of things, but the day to day small things , and remembering to give yourself some credit. Sounds lame, perhaps, but tell yourself that you did a good job on whatever it is you did.

Combining this with little jaunts out of your ‘comfort zone’ and into the world of cafes, bookstores or whatever is also important. Start weaning yourself from the comfort zone/trap, and get slightly uncomfortable. And you’ll see you will start to get more comfortable in the discomfort zone. We are very adaptable creatures.

Finding small seemingly insignificant ways to build something up for yourself will do a lo more than you might think. Trust me on this deal. (The head of the lifeguards in my town who deals with 17y/o – college age kids has a tee shirt that says ‘I’m old and grey, just do what I say’. So yeah…)

All of the above are really good things, Sammi.

As for the counseling, what you say is ironic because if you really were a peer of the counselor, you would probably want to ‘get your money’s worth’ and tell her all your problems and have her help you. Baby steps are fine, but the sooner you start confronting these things and bringing them out into the open, the less imposing they will start to become.

The commissioned piece is cool. The suicide joke…hmm… Oh yeah- and why does the counselor recommend sleeping pills? Sounds iffy to me… Why not a natural sleep remedy like melatonin?

Will read your response from the road…