Thanks you all for your responses. Anita – my relationship with my mother is complicated. I know where I learned codependency from as she was this way with my father who was also mentally ill and she could not walk away. I love her and she is a beautiful person but the traits she exhibits push all my buttons because they are my own as well. When we talk it’s superficial but she’s the first person I want to call when my world is shattering and she can’t be there for me in that capacity which just makes me feel more abandoned and rejected. I need to do some deep work with this inner-child thing. It’s so freaking hard!

Peter – great insight and I expect that the hindsight will one day “soften” and lead me to gratitude for this experience because I really do believe everything happens for a reason and if I don’t learn from it then what’s the point. As for the ego, I get what you’re saying about the observer. I just am not sure how to “let it be” like that, you know? I feel driven by these emotions, like they are all-consuming and I can’t step back enough to let them process. It’s like they are me – my identity. So how do I step back? Does that make sense?

VJ – Thanks for the release techniques. I will have to look some of them up.

Inky – I do journal every day and have been for years. But thoughts get caught in my head and I don’t feel like I’m being authentic in some of my writing. Like there aren’t enough words to explain how I’m feeling. I like the idea of writing the story the way I want it. That seems like an awesome idea. Perhaps it will help me re-frame. Believe me I have written him so many letters I will never send. They were therapeutic at the time. Maybe there will be more.

Love to all… 🙂