Belle: that is so lovely for you to come back and post and thanks for telling me I am an amazing mummy, I have had a lot of doubt about that, mainly due to guilt of splitting the family up and hurting their beloved father. I know really, he has done that, but its still hard to process. Thank you so much, I hope you find strength to find what you need to do. I can tell you its taken almost three years of almost despair for me to reach the point I have. Don’t be hard on yourself.
I am still finding it very difficult, but I am in my own space now. I’m realizing that my every waking moment around him 9and even when i was away from him) has been focused on keeping him happy. I have (and this is really difficult to admit) not been as available for family, friends and most importantly my two gorgeous boys. I am so very very proud of them both. They have dealt with it so far better than I could have expected and both have shown a huge amount of care and compassion (particularly for their father, who isn’t shielding them from his pain).
I am nearly three weeks since telling him i was leaving and just over 2 weeks in my own space. I am still finding daily life tough, but I am amazed at what I can do and have been able to do. Its like I am living a dream at the moment, but today I started to realize I need to connect and understand what is happening to ME. Shortly I will go for a walk, and look at the sea with no phone, nothing and just think.
I have had to see him quite a few times because of the boys, and I feel worse after I have seen him as he is broken. He wants me to wave a magic wand and make everything alright. He has shown more compassion to me in the last 2 weeks than in the last 21 years and I also need to remember that.
I feel “lighter” and when the guilt wears and I allow myself to grieve for everything our relationship was and should have been I know I will be in a better place.
Keep posting, and keep thinking. Don’t shut it out like I did for years and deny its happening, it will destroy your inner self. Good luck Belle <3