Dear Michele, I am 20 years into my relationship and my husband and I still have these confrontations sometimes. Often, there is something else underlying the accusations that may fly out in a heated moment. Sometimes, the accusations really don’t mean anything beyond a frustrated mood, but others, the things we say that we don’t like about our partners are symptomatic of something else. If you can get to that, then you can have a real conversation, rather than being caught up in a cycle of accusing and defending. Conscious confrontations are necessary. That kind of tension strengthens the real relationship, in the same way that a high intensity workout strengthens your body. Unconscious confrontations will tear it apart if you let it.

What you have just said in your post seemed very calm and well-thought-out. You could approach him with that same tone and have a conversation about what was said. Approach it with understanding and compassion for the relationship, not from wanting something from the each other. Finding that center point where each of you can express what you are feeling and not expecting either of you to bow to the other, is where understanding happens.

jes