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How do I confront him?

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  • March 3, 2017 at 11:52 pm #135757
    Michele
    Participant

    I don’t know how to handle this recent situation with my boyfriend. Last year I decided to return to school after working in a field I was unpassionate about. I left my job and began taking the science courses needed to continue my education. I work part time and am picking up another part time since I have more time in my schedule. The sciences classes I am taking are demanding but I have somehow managed to receive A’s in all. I am planning on applying to graduate school this fall as well as moving in with my current boyfriend of 10 months. He has been supportive of my journey up until now that I have noticed something I don’t like. We plan to move out of state in the fall. He works full time and owns a home, I am a part time student and worker. I have been struggling to find another part time and my focus has been on that since I have to fund one more class and save for a move. I have yet to apply out of state but intend to as soon as I start working another part time. In an argument, my boyfriend began to express that he doesn’t think I “do enough” and proceeds to list all the things he has done in terms of applying. I am under constant stress from school and finding another job it hurts to hear him say I don’t do anything. He proceeded to list how he does so much more at work and I couldn’t handle doing all he does. I also didnt like that he was speaking down to me making it seem as if I needed him to make the move financially. I am not dependant on him at all so Im unsure what would spark him to think that. I understand his worry but I don’t think his approach was correct. How do I do about approaching him about this how would you handle this?

    March 4, 2017 at 12:23 am #135759
    jes
    Participant

    Dear Michele, I am 20 years into my relationship and my husband and I still have these confrontations sometimes. Often, there is something else underlying the accusations that may fly out in a heated moment. Sometimes, the accusations really don’t mean anything beyond a frustrated mood, but others, the things we say that we don’t like about our partners are symptomatic of something else. If you can get to that, then you can have a real conversation, rather than being caught up in a cycle of accusing and defending. Conscious confrontations are necessary. That kind of tension strengthens the real relationship, in the same way that a high intensity workout strengthens your body. Unconscious confrontations will tear it apart if you let it.

    What you have just said in your post seemed very calm and well-thought-out. You could approach him with that same tone and have a conversation about what was said. Approach it with understanding and compassion for the relationship, not from wanting something from the each other. Finding that center point where each of you can express what you are feeling and not expecting either of you to bow to the other, is where understanding happens.

    jes

    March 4, 2017 at 5:42 am #135869
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michele:

    The key sentence in your post to my understanding of his accusation (that you don’t do ENOUGH, by the way, not that you “don’t do ANYTHING”) is:

    “We plan to move out of state in the fall”- I think he is anxious about this move, this expected change in his life. He is afraid of going forward with it.

    You asked how to confront him? I would say: talk, do not confront. Bring up the planned move and as calmly as you can, initiate an honest, non-accusatory conversation about the expected changes this plan entails. If he feels that he doesn’t have to be alone with his anxiety, it will help him endure it. He will need to learn to express his anxiety in non-aggressive ways.

    As is, when you move with him, it can be an unpleasant and occasionally or maybe, frequently, an explosive experience. Better talk about it honestly BEFORE making the move. Consider changing plans. If keeping the plans, come up with strategies to make it work.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

    March 4, 2017 at 6:32 am #135873
    Michele
    Participant

    Thank you both so much for your advice and allowing me to view this from a different perspective. This move is definetly stressing him out and I completely understand his worry as he his risking a lot. I am in the process of interviewing for a position and will most likely start the new position within 2 weeks. This will allow me to stop stressing about immediate finances and begin the application process for our move. all of his worries are understandable my real issue lays in how he approached me. when we spoke this morning I expressed my plan to him and he apologized for handling the argument the way he did. We had the same exact conversation this morning as last night but it was handled without anger or accusations. He has anger issues and during arguments he tend to want to fight and attack verbally, I am not like that. His anger has been a point of discussion and is a trait of his he hates. How can we go about working on this? it is hard to stay up hours arguing when we could have discussed matters differently and progressively. I also understand my role in this as I stay up arguing with him.

    March 4, 2017 at 7:43 am #135877
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michele:

    A couple of ways to go about it:

    1) Minimize anxiety in your life individually and in your communications with him: the less anxiety he experiences, the less anger. You wrote: “… the new position within 2 weeks….will allow me to stop stressing about immediate finances”- if you expressed to him a lot of your immediate financial worries, then you unnecessarily increased his anxiety. It is important for you (and for him) to discipline the expression of your own worries and fears. Do express those, but not going on and on about them, not with undisciplined expressions such as in crying at length.

    2) His hating his own expression of anger suggests to me that he is motivated to change it.

    Suggest to him that “when your anger goes up, your IQ goes down.”

    As to skills of communicating without accusing and abusing: form a ground rule for your communication: to always be respectful of each other, no matter how either one of you feels. I like the EAR concept for communication, standing for Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. The more assertive he is, the less passive and/ or aggressive he will be. Assertiveness is a skill that can be learned, improved and mastered. Respect requires skills and the ability and willingness to endure anxiety/ distress without automatically reacting ineffectively, as in the going on and on about one’s worries (in #1) or in accusing and fighting.

    anita

    March 6, 2017 at 12:44 am #136031
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Michele,
    I personally think moving in should be put on the back burner for now until you’re both financially stable. He is probably fearing that he will have to foot most of the bill for moving out – and nobody wants that on their shoulders.
    If you’re meant to be together then waiting for a while isn’t a bad suggestion.
    Also look into “I messages” when communicating with him – this doesn’t seem to be a problem but can help.
    I also would like to think that you would be able to communicate more effectively before moving in with someone anyway as you may see it as a small thing but it’s one of the biggest and most important aspects of a relationship.
    🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Poppyxo.
    March 9, 2017 at 10:32 pm #138683
    Michele
    Participant

    Update: I have approached my boyfriend a couple days after the argument in a non-aggressive manner. I told him that it was very important to me that we work on how we communicate when we’re upset. I suggested some ideas such as no cursing and trying not to use “YOU” statements such as “you don’t care about me”. He agreed with me. He has been extremely stressed at work and I have felt like I’ve been the only one making effort, I have also given him space when needed. He isn’t the same even when we speak he’s not there. Tonight we were talking and he was telling me about work and said that he has pulled away because he doesn’t want his work stress to make him lash out on me. Which I told him I understood but I struggled with until now because he never told me that he was reverting because of work, I kind of just assumed it. BTW we are long distance I am used to calling him in the morning and before bed. Both of which we haven’t been doing this week because of him. I know this is all stress related. Anyways he started arguing with me I bit my tongue and just let him speak I didn’t fight him but he kept going. He continuously called me an asshole, I asked him multiple times not to disrespect me. And he continued to ignore me, I told him if he didn’t quit I would stop talking to him until he calmed down. He didn’t stop, I have turned off my phone because I can’t listen to him anymore. He brought up the same points he made Saturday about me not caring about the relationship because I haven’t applied in North Carolina. I interviewed Tuesday for a position I received. I asked him to help me with my resume so I can start looking for jobs in NC, since I am supposed to visit him on Monday for a week. He agreed to so I am hurt that he has again thrown the same comments in my face about not doing anything for the relationship. He also brought up my ex which I haven’t talked to since we started dating and who I told to stop contacting me when he reached out. He has accused me of being unfaithful when I haven’t.  All I do is study and work, grab lunch or hang out with my friends if I have time to. I am hurt that he gave into his anger already. This makes me scared. I love him and we have both discussed our futures together but Im tired of being yelled at and crying because the person I love treats me like this. I dont know what to do

    March 10, 2017 at 2:38 am #138693
    Poppyxo
    Participant

    Hi Michele,

    From what you have said, your boyfriend doesn’t sound very respectful to your needs at all. Is this something you want for yourself long term?

    March 10, 2017 at 7:06 am #138801
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Michele:

    Having read your last post, it is clear to me that not only is it a very bad idea for you to live with him, to move in together (it is!), but it is also a bad idea to be in any relationship with him. Spare yourself a lot of time and misery and end this abusive relationship now.

    anita

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