Dear Cheryl:

As I understand the situation, you are currently living as an unofficial “second wife” to a man with whom you have been having a physically intimate relationship for ten years while he was married to his (first) wife. You are living with the husband, his first wife and their five year old son. You are not having physically intimate relationship with the husband in front of the first wife, but when she is not present (correct?) First wife knows of the relationship between you and the husband, but there is no mention of it (correct?)

The husband tells you, and you believe him, that he cannot live without you, and that if you end the relationship he will get sick and die. So you keep the relationship going so to save his life and protect his (first) wife and son from losing him.

And then, you are obedient to first wife: you “obey what ever she says (like what time to wake up, when to eat, where to sit, what to do etc)…I have to get permission from her to get a chocolate, switch on TV (she says no this is not the time to watch TV), change clothes(she says no not this dress if I select, and selects other dress), to get some toy…I get depressed that I have to take permission for and everything)”

And as you interact with the five year old, you do everything he wants you to do, as I understand it, so that he will not be angry with you.

You feel “very lonely in their house because no body pay attention to my talks… I cannot share my happy/sad/depress feelings(like what happened today in office or on the way etc) to anyone in that house but still I should act like I am perfect and happy.”

My thoughts: the positive part in your story is that you are working (“what happened today in office”) and earning your own money, correct? If so, this is good news because you can financially survive if you move out of this house and if you end this relationship with the husband.

When the husband told you that he will die if you end the relationship with him by getting sick- he lied. If you end the relationship with him, he will survive it. His wife and son will still have him as husband and father. If by some … strangeness of coincidences he gets sick, that will not be your responsibility.

Clearly, this arrangement is unhealthy for you: you have no one to talk to, and you do not have the freedom to make the simplest choices. You have to ask permission for anything and everything.

I hope you leave this house as soon as possible, end the relationship with this man as soon as possible and live on your own as soon as possible.

I hope you post again.

anita