Dear Cheryl:

As I understand the situation, you are currently living as an unofficial “second wife” to a man with whom you have been having a physically intimate relationship for ten years while he was married to his (first) wife. You are living with the husband, his first wife and their five year old son. You are not having physically intimate relationship with the husband in front of the first wife, but when she is not present (correct?) First wife knows of the relationship between you and the husband, but there is no mention of it (correct?)

The husband tells you, and you believe him, that he cannot live without you, and that if you end the relationship he will get sick and die. So you keep the relationship going so to save his life and protect his (first) wife and son from losing him.

And then, you are obedient to first wife: you “obey what ever she says (like what time to wake up, when to eat, where to sit, what to do etc)…I have to get permission from her to get a chocolate, switch on TV (she says no this is not the time to watch TV), change clothes(she says no not this dress if I select, and selects other dress), to get some toy…I get depressed that I have to take permission for and everything)”

And as you interact with the five year old, you do everything he wants you to do, as I understand it, so that he will not be angry with you.

You feel “very lonely in their house because no body pay attention to my talks… I cannot share my happy/sad/depress feelings(like what happened today in office or on the way etc) to anyone in that house but still I should act like I am perfect and happy.”

My thoughts: the positive part in your story is that you are working (“what happened today in office”) and earning your own money, correct? If so, this is good news because you can financially survive if you move out of this house and if you end this relationship with the husband.

When the husband told you that he will die if you end the relationship with him by getting sick- he lied. If you end the relationship with him, he will survive it. His wife and son will still have him as husband and father. If by some … strangeness of coincidences he gets sick, that will not be your responsibility.

Clearly, this arrangement is unhealthy for you: you have no one to talk to, and you do not have the freedom to make the simplest choices. You have to ask permission for anything and everything.

I hope you leave this house as soon as possible, end the relationship with this man as soon as possible and live on your own as soon as possible.

I hope you post again.

anita

Dear Cheryl:

You are welcome. Glad you posted again.

You asked in your last posts: “when someone is truly loving me if I reject him(and leave to him to death) will that be not a selfish ?”

1. You are not responsible for his diabetes. You didn’t cause him diabetes. It is none of your doing. In other words: you are not guilty of his diabetes.

2. You cannot cure his diabetes. You cannot heal him from his diabetes. If he dies from his diabetes, it will not be a failing on your part; it will not be something you did wrong. You will not be guilty.

3. The one who is selfish is him, the man. Because you are suffering living in his house. A loving man is not a man who encourages his loved one to suffer. A loving man encourages his loved one to have a good life, to be free, not enslaved.

* You asked: “Don’t I deserve sin?” -no, you don’t deserve punishment if you end the relationship with him and leave his house. You are already being punished every day living there, being enslaved, following orders, having no  one to talk to, being so lonely.

* You asked: “will it be like I am playing with his love feelings and cheat him ?” – no. He is cheating you out of your freedom, out of a better life. A life away from him will be far from perfect, but it will be better than this. He is cheating you out of a better life.

* You asked: “Why because we initially planned and I promised him that I’ll stay lifelong with him ?”- it is okay for you to break this promise because your promise was based on a misunderstanding. The misunderstanding was that you are responsible for his diabetes. This misunderstanding was based on him telling you a lie. Because he lied to you (telling you that he will not be able to live without you, that he will die if you leave), you are free from keeping your promise. When a promise is based on a lie, it does not need to be kept.

You wrote: “I am feeling so guilty of all these, especially his career and health”- you feel guilty, so you believe you are guilty. But you are not, in reality, guilty.

Post again, if you’d like, as often as you would.

anita

Dear Cheryl:

You are welcome, and thank you for your kind words.

You wrote: “…the last 10 years he is focusing on me only, he rejected many onsite offers because he don’t wants to leave me and also not fully concentrated on his career.”- his choices are HIS choices. He is responsible for having made them, not you.

I will give you an example: let’s say I am so moved by your thread that I want to help you more than just answering it. Let’s say I get the feeling that you live in … Australia (this is only an example). Next I sell all my possessions, buy an airplane ticket to Australia, fly there, and look for you. Next, I spend the next ten years of my life looking for you, traveling from place to place, suffering many hardships. Finally I find you. When I find you, I tell you: “you owe me for my airline ticket to Australia, for all my possessions that I sold, and for my ten years of hardship looking for you.”

My question for you, Cheryl, is: will I be correct in my claim? Will you owe me for any of the things I mentioned which I chose to do?

(Regarding the last part of your post, his wife, we can discuss it later).

Waiting for your answer.

anita