Dear Anita,

She is thinking that she is sheltering me but if she knows our past 10 years of relation which are lot of lies, and we both are loving each other where he cannot live wihtout me….no girl in this world digest this right.

Thanks Anita.

Yes I am scared ….that is true…but I am scared of below two things Anita

1. Though I never expected to stay, i got to stay(we both lied so much to others for  this) believing its my responsibility to save him, so I been there like his second wife(of course i love him too much) in always of showing my love and care. So can a wife leave husband to his hell….so I am scared of that GUILT is it right or not. So what I mean is, if I would have been happy in his house then for sure I would have not been thinking of to leave him right. So now I am finding reasons to justify myself to clear the GUILT of leaving…this is scaring me Anita.

2. Yes I am scared to live alone now and cannot even breath myself relax for the fear of painful days…but for sure I never go back to him for my selfishness(even though I madly love him I do not expect others pray).

So to start thinking of my second scare, first I need come out from my first scare.

Hope I am able to express my pain. Thanks once again Anita.

Thank Anita for replying back !!

If you dont mind, can I ask you clarify below:

I am not able to adjust and I feel like prison: Is this my mistake like may be I dont know how to adjust the things in life? Why because no friend allows another girl into her family but my friend did that so it means she is good. So the problem is with me only right ? I would have not been so much obeyed to her in all the times but may be obeyed in major decisions and be like me rest of the time(I tried a lot for this I failed numerous times because ultimately she has to adjust if I am not adjusting which i dont like), I could have had my freedom though it may hurt her ego feeling at times, I could have adjusted and compromised on my freedom because she accepted me right, may be I am a dissatisfaction girl who sees small worries also in magnifying glass and so I am thinking I have no freedom.

Thanks Anita !!

Now am I totally cut the relation, made him to take up their family responsibility (though initially he miss me)….— this is the decision I took very boldly and made it happen. and I little bit got relief that my decision is right at least now and i was able correct my mistake a dot.

On the other hand, I am completely shattered and missing him a lot and going through lot of depression stage. However I have below options currently:

1.live without marrying anyone: But I am worried that how can I live alone as I am very much scared of  abusive mens. I have great interest to serve the society as much as I can, but as alone I cannot think of it also(that is my attitude). How can I live alone without any responsibility and who will takecare me during my old age.
2. Marry someone: if I make-up my mind to marry another guy then can I be able to succeed it. Because may be the fault is with me only that is the reason I am not able to live in his house under his love and affection, but not ready to face the insults. May be I dont know how to adjust and how to run family. So can I be able to live with a new guy whom I gets marry only for the sake of marriage and social security. So what if I spoil that marriage also and that new guy’s life also spoil as if I cannot forget this ex-lover. In addition, should I tell my relation story upfront to him before marriage, and then who will marry me after 10 years of relation? If someone marry me knowing my background also, in future if he criticise my character then for sure I feel hell. And for sure I know that in every situation I’ll compare my future husband with my ex. So isn’t that a sin that I cheat my future husband? And also I many times told to him that I cann’t marry another guy because I can only love you(of course its fact not lie). On the other hand, because of his health if he dies soon, then I think I cannot live happy married life. So I want to live alone, but again I am scared of living alone.

3. Get suicide: This is the best solution according to me. But after these many years I learnt little philosophy, so I understood that suicide is a sin so wants to do some meaningful thing till i get natural death. But scared of living alone and cannot marry. So only option for me is suicide forgetting the sin as I failed in all aspects of my life. Because I am very much anger on myself about my super over honesty.

To add, you(he) finally met me after 10 years…then I said no i cannot take your help(love him and stay in house) and then I am going away.

Anita….you are my Godess mother !! Why because after these many years of silence I got one person in this universe to really share my feelings as it is without any morphing.

The other thing is that, the last 10 years he is focusing on me only, he rejected many onsite offers because he don’t wants to leave me and also not fully concentrated on his career.

And due to his diabetic condition(that time we not taken promise to stay in his house life long, and that time only he got diabetic because he was under great depression of loosing in case if I get marry someone else) he also not planned for second kid. But I strongly opposed him and to have second kid that time, but he said many reasons like no companion is required(because no siblings take each other responsibility) and I am diabetic so I cannot guarantee my career to settle two kids and I do not have interest on life without you. Now after I strongly fighting to come out, they are planning for second kid to give companion to the first kid. I believe all these are really true, so I am really feeling guilt that why I came into his life and spoiled his life.

In addition, his wife is all innocent whom we both cheated her saying we are best friends etc. Now I am coming out of their house saying I am not happy in your house who gave shelter thinking i am in problems(we lied). so I am really feeling so bad that making her also unhappy and this sad feeling will be there in their life long right.

Thanks once again !!

And his wife do not know about our affair, she is under impression that she is giving shelter to me.