I don’t know if this will help make me feel better but i guess its worth a shot.

So i met this guy in high school (grade 10) and started dating, we had the perfect relationship but obviously trust me to be naive and not realized he had fuckboy tendencies. I tried to ignore it, had all my friends tell me to leave him and hold interventions for me coz i was being ‘blinded’ by love. We dated for about 3 years in high school and went to university still together making it 4 years, end of that year things spiraled out of control and i found out that my friends had been right all along and he had been playing me since the beginning, it became a big deal and we broke up. I dated 2 guys since that time and both relationships were great but just didn’t feel right, end of 2016 things happened that brought us close together to a point where we had to talk about the break up after many unsuccessful attempts from him to get us back together and apologize, We spoke and decided that we had never stopped loving each other and convinced each other that things would work out, beginning of this year (2017) we decide to try it out for real. I really thought i loved him like i did before, when we were together this time around it felt like the whole universe wrapped us up in all the love that’s ever existed in it, but when we were apart all i could think about was whether he’d really changed, whether he meant everything he promised me this time around, i don’t think i ever got to the point where i could trust him again, but just being around him made me so confused and everything would just seem like it was gonna be better. I told him that i wanted us to break up in February because of the way i had started feeling about him and the growing doubts about us, he was so sad and we spoke to a point where i felt like things were going to work out… lol I’m so weak… Some time passes and things are great again, but something is busy nudging me and i’m just not completely settled in the relationship, all I can think about is the fact that i don’t trust him anymore and i can’t get myself to believe anything he says… So on friday I made the decision to break up with him for good, I couldn’t explain it to him because it wasn’t the traditional break up explanation, I told him the truth about my insecurities that just didn’t want to go away, I know myself and if i had continued with the relationship, i know i would’ve ended up cheating on him and i know he doesn’t deserve that, i could hear that he was done trying to convince me that we can make it work and i know i would’ve felt the same way if i was him. I felt so terrible i even dreamt about it. Today i decided to send him a message apologizing for everything i put him through, i know i probably shouldn’t have but i did and i don’t know what i thought would happen but he sent me back a message saying i must go to hell, i never cared about him, he doesn’t hate me but himself for wasting his life and time trying to love me… I can completely understand why he said what he said about me going to hell, but people don’t heal the same way, and maybe i was in it with him this time just to spite him and hurt him the way he did to me… I don’t think i ever got over everything he put me through, but I did try to see the light at the end of this tunnel, but at some point it just faded and it was just a dark hole with no way out. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not looking for sympathy or someone to make me feel better by telling me it was the right thing to do coz i know i could’ve avoided it all from the start. Sometimes i just feel like friends get tired of hearing stories about your heartbreak from the same guy, i don’t want someone to judge me for what happened, i feel bad enough knowing that i sold him a beautiful dream, had him buy it then snatch it away again…I love him… I still believe in love and happiness though, if something is meant to work out or happen, nothing in the whole universe will stop it, maybe not now or anytime soon but the universe has its way of helping you fulfill your destiny…