Dear smutsik:

I was diagnosed with anorexia and although I am of normal weight (on the thin side, I haven’t weighed myself for over two years out of fear of a number that will be too high). Since all anorexics share certain traits which qualify us for the diagnosis, we are not all the same person, of course. Still,  you may find the following helpful. In the following I will speak in the first person, as if I was your girlfriend: The worst thing you can tell me is that I gained weight. Please, don’t ever tell me I gained weight, that will terrify me. Don’t tell me I gained weight in any context, no matter how positively you mean it. For example, don’t tell me: “You look so good. You gained some weight! That fits you very well!” Or “I am so attracted to you, you must have gained some weight in all the right places!”

The last sentence: “I am so attracted to you, you must have gained some weight..” All I hear is “gained weight”- the beginning of the sentence “I am so attracted to you” disappear with the horror of the end of the sentence.

It is all right, smutsik, if you tell me that you are not attracted to me physically, as long as you don’t tell me I gained weight or anything that sounds like I gained weight.”

I am thinking, your focus is to not offend her by sharing with her that you lack physical attraction toward her while all along it may not be a problem for her to hear, because her focus is not on being attractive but on being thin. An anorexic wants to be thin not for the purpose of being attractive, that is not the goal.

So consider sharing with her, being authentic about your feelings, just as you shared it here. As long as you don’t tell her she gained weight, I think she may very well be okay hearing your true feelings. Try it, gently, and test it for yourself.

anita