It’s not good seeing one parent “over loving” and the other “not wanting to love at all”.

…But is that simply the way you ‘perceived’ things to be with your parents, or they way they actually were, Mia? when we are children, we make up our own minds about how people are and why they behave like they do. And that is not necessarily the reality of the situation, but simply how we saw it as a child, through our child’s eyes.

I often wished my parents would separate, as, through my eyes, they didn’t seem to get on at all. The conclusion that I came to was that my mother was ‘trapped’ into a marriage with a useless, hopeless man, who used her as a servant. that was around the age of seven, I think. I used to think to myself later, in my teens, ‘for goodness sake, why don’t you stand up for yourself!’ in regards to my mother. Both of my parents are essentially selfish people though, so there were bound to be arguments over who was right or wrong, and who was going to win the arguments. And by waiting on my father hand and foot, she actually made him dependent on her. It could have been a method of control in itself.

My parents are still together, so despite the fact that my mother continually gives out the message that ‘all men are useless’ she is still with her useless one!  Both myself and my sister grew up, left home, started our own families… etc. My parents bought an RV and went traveling the continent. They didn’t get divorced the moment there were no children around. So the only conclusion I can come to is, that is the way they ‘get on’ with each other, that they like the constant arguments, and that is their way of getting along. That they both love each other is obvious when one or the other of them is ill.

What I’m trying to say essentially is, that the way we might see it through the eyes of a child, is not necessarily the truth of it, it’s the way a child’s mind tries to make sense of it.

I feel bad about how you had to look after your father when your parents divorced. You had to assume the role of being his mother/carer and take the place of your own mother with him at a very young age, with a father who acted like a child.  Like Anita has said, it’s like you were yourself married to your father and even though this experience happened a long time ago, you are still carrying that experience of that man with you into you present life. It’s understandable that you are wary of or don’t trust men much, based on how you were treated by your father.

ETA: I also think, like Anita has said, that you need someone to talk this through with. A competent and qualified counsellor or phsychologist who can work with you on this aspect of your past… It’s a lot to work through all on your own.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by JayJay. Reason: added a bit more