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JayJay

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 123 total)
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  • #292809

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Claire,

    I think your BF made his moves all too quickly, and then thought better of it. It’s only been a few months, but you were introduced to his children and his parents very early on. I think he has the proverbial ‘cold feet’ and feels he has jumped in too soon for him to be comfortable with the situation he himself has created. It’s not your fault. You have been given mixed messages here, but given the time span, it all seems a little rushed.

    It must be very hard to get your head around the fact that it’s over, as those mixed messages he gave you led you to believe that, one day, you might have a future together. I feel for you.

    I feel for those children of his as well, as it sounds as though they were fond of you.

    Would you agree that he rushed into things with you? Did you think at the time that he was rushing the relationship along at a fast rate?

    Best wishes, Jay

    #292363

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Gregory,

    It really sounds to me as though your wife is not ready to be a woman. She is still a child, even though she has a child herself. She does not want to accept the adult version of life. She is rebelling, just like a teenager, against fitting into a pattern. That is her problem, not yours. You cannot make her simply ‘grow up’ it’s something she has to decide to do herself. And that looks to be unlikely at any point in the near future.

    Your list above is pretty comprehensive. At post 271945… Do you really want this woman in your life? So you want someone who cheats, lies and generally behaves as though she isn’t married? Someone who doesn’t even acknowledge that she has a child and adult responsibilities? Someone you say does not love you.

    Is it simply a case that you can’t let go, even though your answer above is telling me you should. You have custody of your son, and you really need to make your son the No. 1 person in your life. Put your son first.

    In your situation, I would get on with my own life. Look after yourself and your son. Get back to your training and qualify, so that you can make a good life for yourself and your son.

    With best wishes,

    Jay

    #292307

    JayJay
    Participant

    I agree with all Anita says above.

    A 2-week conversation is simply that – a conversation. You might have found some things in common, but how can you possibly tell, from just the above communication, that this is the right woman for you?

    So you were chatting away and she blocked you. You think this is some kind of a test… I think it’s more that this person is playing silly games. TBH, you don’t even know if she was actually just pretending to like the same things as you.

    Don’t call her, like Anita says, that’s going along the lines of stalking. If she didn’t give you her phone number herself, then she obviously didn’t want you to have it. Or call her.

    Move on.

    best wishes, Jay

    #291565

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Bwakebulleo,

    Have you ever met this guy in person? Face to face?

    Like Anita says above, why wait if the ‘relationship’ is a troubled one? I use the quotation marks for ‘relationship’ for a good reason here. All you have, in reality (assuming you have never met in person) is a virtual relationship. It’s a relationship of sorts, an on-line friendship maybe, but it can never replace a closer relationship with someone you have met face to face.

    with best wishes

    Jay

    #289553

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi JayMark,

    I’m sorry to hear of your pain and struggles in the past, and glad to know that you are taking great steps towards a better future right now.

    From what you have shared with us it really does sound like your ex-wife has moved on and is making a new life for herself. I agree with what Mark says above – you need to let go and focus on yourself and your children.

    You say that you are living in the present now. But you are hankering after a return to the past and your past relationship with your ex-wife. You want a second chance, you want to show her you’ve changed, and you want to put things right. But some things can’t be fixed.

    Your ex. obviously doesn’t feel the same way. It sounds as though it was a rough ride for yourself, your ex and your children.

    I think you have to accept that things have moved on, that she has moved on. And now you must move on.

    with best wishes,

    Jay

    #289481

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear CJ,

    Is it absolutely and for sure you have found your birth mother, because I’ve read of several cases where the DNA results alone could only point to first and second cousins… and only from there, these people found their genetic parents. Have you double checked with a different company?

    Even if this is 100% certain, I also think that what Anita and Mark have said is absolutely right. They have no claim on you, and it sounds like they are simply trying to use you. I’ve never heard the like! Frankly, I wouldn’t give people who wanted from you what they seem to want from you a moment more of my time. You would only dig yourself into a deeper hole if you tried to give them an explanation, because then you open up more lines of communication with them, which would lead to further harassment and persuasion. I think you were right to ghost them, and in your position I would have done exactly the same thing.

    I have also been a carer for both of my parents in the past. It leaves a big gap in your life when they are gone, or someone else has to care for them because you can no longer do the job, as happened to me. For a long time, your adoptive parents took your life away from you and you had to live theirs, whether out of a sense of duty or simply because that was the way it had to be.

    You are free now to live your own life. It takes some time to get out of that role of caregiving. And you deserve a life!

    Don’t be seduced back into that role for one moment with this ‘newly found’ family. Like Anita and Mark have said, they are not only opportunists, but toxic. Decent people wouldn’t ask that of anyone! You say there is something there that is making you feel uncomfortable, listen to that inner voice. It’s your inbuilt intuition and gut instinct for avoiding danger that is telling you there is something wrong there.

    Give yourself permission to live your own life – love your immediate family – your children, your husband –  go out, make friends, go to social events, join a club, take up a new hobby. Live your life for yourself now.

    with best wishes

    Jay

    #289479

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Sofioula,

    Your post has cheered me! It’s lovely to hear someone come back and say that everything has improved in their lives…. Not without a great deal of effort on your part, I’m sure. Keep on going forward, don’t look back. Especially at that ex-bf… it sounds to me he doesn’t deserve the time of day, never mind your attention. Keep it in the past, and keep on how you are doing, because you are doing just fine! Complete silence is definitely the best way to go! Look how upbeat you are and how you have improved your life as a result of doing just that!

    Well done, Lady! 🙂 🙂

    best wishes,

    Jay

    #289473

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Jessica,

    The following may or may not apply to your situation, but I have come across people who expect and demand to be looked after all their lives. I used to have a female friend who stated, ‘that’s what men are for’. She meant to be used, to expect them to pay for everything, and look after them just as though they were parenting her. She would often say, about her partners. ‘they are supposed to look after me’.

    To make someone else responsible for every aspect of your life, and therefore your happiness, is so incredibly distressing to the other person in a relationship. The friend I mentioned above never had a relationship lasting more than a few years. Her expectations simply put too much pressure on her partners for them to cope with after a while.

    I’m not saying that this is the case with you yourself, because simply asking the questions and acknowledging the answers means you know that something is not quite right with your expectations of others and you are taking huge steps to get yourself to be more independent. I’m just simply asking you to consider whether you are actually trying to make others responsible for your own happiness, when really, happiness comes from within ourselves.

    I thought long and hard about whether to write this post, as, like I pointed out, I don’t think this is the case with you. I just thought I would mention it, as it’s often the case with over-protective and babying parents that their offspring expect the same from others as they get from their parents, and see others as their only route to happiness.

    with best wishes

    Jay

    #289471

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Kiwibunnies,

    Yes, I have these people in my life too. It’s especially hard when they are members of the family. It’s not so easy to walk away and get them out of your life entirely.

    I agree with everything that’s been said above.

    What I found that helped me a lot was ‘withdrawing mentally’ from the situation. I’m there at that event, part of me is there, and speaking and appearing as normal, but I have withdrawn mentally from any kind of hostility, emotional blackmail, the lot. It’s like I have an invisible brick wall there between us. I can only describe it in words as ‘I no longer give a monkey’s a$$ what you think about me, or anything you say about me’. All they get is a non-committal shrug from me. If they carry on, I get up and walk away, no explanation, no excuses. They are slowly learning that their behaviour will get them nowhere with me. I am a rock, a stone, a hard place when they start on me.

    It has taken years for me to get to this point, and eventually I will remove myself entirely from these people in my family. At the moment that’s just not possible, so I just keep my distance mentally and let them get on with it, and ignore them completely when they try to needle me into some kind of reaction. I don’t feed their drama, or their lies, or react to anything they say. At social events I stay as far away as it is possible to be, on the opposite side of a room, or on a different table.

    I pity them for what they are and what they cannot change about themselves. And pity is a very good defence. I would hate to be pitied myself, and to pity them gives me power and a defence against them. I feel ten feet tall when I use this technique against them.

    You asked

    How can I heal the wounds while still maintaining healthy boundaries? That’s the part I haven’t been able to answer yet.

    This might help: You pity them for what they are not and will never be. Imagine a life where you cannot change yourself, and you deliberately and toxically upset others. Would you want that for yourself? Nope!
    And they cannot change either, what an awful shame for them!

    From pity comes understanding, and maybe a bit of forgiveness. Feel sorry for them, they will never be happy, like you.

    Best wishes,

    Jay

    #289021

    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi again, George,

    Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply.

    It sounds like your early experiences of life have led to the way you are and behave now, even though time has moved on.

    Time can move on from living through those experiences (and some of yours sound pretty hard to have dealt with) but we can get stuck in that time warp forever. If this happens, then we continually go back and do the same things over and over again, even though we know it will not improve our relationships or our lives as a whole.

    Are you having, or have you had, any quality psychotherapy or any help from a counsellor so that you can deal with those things in your past that are affecting your present way of dealing with things?

    Have you taken any steps to try and erase those voids you see in your life?

    I hope you can come back to me on these questions, and maybe I can help further.

    Best wishes,

    Jay

    #288847

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear IpkR09,

    I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

    I hope that by telling you of my situation you might find some answers to yours.

    My sister is very similar to yours. She is jealous of me for the same reasons that your sister is. I am a high achiever and she has always found it extremely difficult to cope with that. I couldn’t understand why for a long time why she couldn’t just be happy for me, as I was when she achieved things in her life – but always the competition, the misunderstandings, the arguments, the denigration – and the eventual discards. She also deprived me of my friends wherever that was possible, especially in my teenage years, but in later life as well.

    We spent a few years not really speaking. But like yourself, it was usually me who made the first move towards making it up, whether it was my fault or not.. it usually wasn’t my fault. But I did it anyway, for exactly the same reason that you do – ‘ because i feel someone has to(we are siblings after all) and i know she wouldn’t…’.

    I was also brought up by my grandparents most of the time, and they taught me that I should always love my little sister (she is younger than me by just under three years) no matter what she did. That I should forgive her, no matter what she did. I think that bit got ingrained into my psyche at a very early age. My sister, meanwhile, learned from an early age, that whatever she did to me, it didn’t matter. She would always be forgiven, and not just by me, but by the family. I learned that it didn’t matter what my own needs were, as my sister’s needs were always much more important than mine. She shouted the loudest!

    So fast forward to this year. We have had some pretty important decisions to make concerning our mother. My sister still makes the decisions. She will ask me what I think, but my answers are not important to her. If I agree with what she says, then everything is fine. If I don’t agree, then I get the arguments, the trantrums, the dismissal of my views and the discards.

    I eventually came to the understanding, (with Anita’s help for some of this thinking – and thanking her again for this!) that nothing was ever going to change. Especially my sister. But more importantly, any change would have to come about by me changing, not my sister.

    I eventually realised that I needed to give myself permission to break free from the constrictions that had been imposed/ingrained on me at an early age. We are both a lot older now. I’m now in my 60s. I have mentally broken free of my sister and no longer feel any need to be the first to make up after arguments. In fact, we no longer have arguments, because I won’t even discuss anything with her… there is simply no point. I have given myself permission to put myself first, and part of that is to not engage with her if at all possible. Before this came about, I spent a lot of time either feeling guilty or feeling angry and resentful towards her. Now I have given myself permission to put myself first, things are a lot better. If she ends up not speaking to me, I don’t react. I certainly don’t apologise or creep like I used to. No more the doormat!

    You don’t need your sister’s permission to do anything. You can actually go out with whoever you like. You can live your life for yourself and – most importantly – your needs are as valid as your sisters.

    Even though our different cultures might have a separate bearing on this, it seems some sisters are the same wherever in the world we live.

    I hope sharing my story gives you a little insight into your own sister. And I repeat – you don’t need her permission to live your own life. You don’t need anybody’s permission if you are over the age of consent. It sounds like this man is genuine and caring, and has some insight into how to move forward towards a future together, whilst being respectful of your culture and a need to get things right. Although I agree with what you say:

    Also, he feels this period will help us convince our parents and my sister in particular that we are mature enough to not think emotionally but logically. I am not very mature in this aspect and apart from making my parents unhappy, I feel I need not give anybody any explanation.

    I also think you don’t need to give anybody an explanation. But that fact that he is willing to try and work around this, does indeed show maturity.

    With best wishes,

    Jay

    #288845

    JayJay
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Dear Bell,

    I agree with what Peter and Anita have said above.

    The early traumas associated with your childhood are affecting your present life and relationships. If you can acknowledge that you can be toxic in relationships, then you are able to remedy this. It’s really only the people who can’t or won’t admit their own faults that cannot work to get past them and into a better place. It’s a hard, often lonely path to travel, but have faith in yourself. You can get through this.

    As Anita has suggested, this would be better with some kind of quality psychotherapy and I agree – it’s a lot to tackle on your own. Can you visit a doctor and get medication for depression for a little while, for example? Might a doctor recommend some therapy for you?

    i can’t even focus in work and study. and i feel terrible knowing my future is at stake. i feel my whole life crumbling. facing him everyday and seeing him happy like his usual self, it hurts so much to see that he can move on with life.

    Take a leaf out of your ex’s book, and be a happy self.. even if it is so hard to do, even if it’s just on the outside.  You also need to move on with your life. Try to show everyone, outwardly at least, that you are moving on. Your thoughts will catch up with your outside demeanour eventually… give it a try. Smile. Go and find your friends again, if they are true friends, they won’t mind that you neglected them for a while.

    Be glad for him, that he seems able to move on. See if you can find some way to try and do the same. It must be so hard when you have to work with someone that you previously had an attachment to. Would it be possible for you get a transfer to a different space – a different office maybe? Or look for a different job?

    with best wishes,

    Jay

    #288841

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Sam,

    I agree with Mark… I also don’t think kissing someone else at a party is ‘cheating’ either, not in a real sense.

    What is coming across to me here is that you are feeling extremely guilty over this incident, the one which led to the loss of the relationship.

    Now, in life, we all make mistakes. We are human and we fail sometimes. You are very young, and this was your first boyfriend?

    The only way to navigate through life is to learn by our mistakes. So, you made a mistake and now you want to punish yourself for it, because you want to somehow feel the pain that you inflicted on your first boyfriend. Meanwhile, he has forgiven you and moved on.

    So you are wanting this second boyfriend to be mean to you and think that if you somehow distance yourself, or wish that he would cheat on you, it would only be what you deserve.

    Do you think that, if this new bf actually does what you are wanting him to do that it will make you feel better about yourself? I can tell you now, that it won’t make much difference at all. Feeling better about ourselves actually comes from within, not from outside. I can understand why you want to push him away and make yourself suffer in that way though.

    All you really need to do is forgive yourself for that mistake you made (which wasn’t really the greatest crime, now was it?) You have learned a hard lesson in life and relationships, but you shouldn’t keep beating yourself up about it. Embrace this new relationship for what it is, and not because you want to, in some way, use this new boyfriend to punish yourself. Leave all the clutter of the past boyfriend behind you and let go of all that blame you’ve built up inside yourself and which is hindering your present life.

    You can’t change the past. You can’t change the future either. All we ever have is the moment we are living in right now. Let it go, stop thinking so hard, stop trying to punish yourself (and the new boyfriend – by getting him to react to a situation he has no knowledge of) and just enjoy this time with your new boyfriend.

    With best wishes,

    Jay

     

    #288835

    JayJay
    Participant

    Family situation:
    In regards to how my parents are looking after me too much. For example if they decided to go on a holiday for a week. My mum would prepare meals for me to have everyday and would call me everynight to check in that everything is okay. They would also feel bad about leaving me and my mum would worry about me being alone. Even though I have been totally fine in the past.

    This really sounds like your mum is suffering from separation anxiety over leaving you. Or perhaps guilty about leaving you. That your Mum assumes you won’t be able to cope or feed yourself even, unless she is in control of your situation, even if that control is from a distance. Bless her, she is unable to see you as an adult, but sees you more as a child in need of her care and constant attention. It’s up to you to change her mindset really, as simply accepting this way of her doing things is not really good for either of you.

    As an only child herself, your mum would be repeating behaviour from her own childhood of growing up and this might be the reason she babies you. I think it’s up to you to let her know that you will be perfectly able to cook your own meals, etc., while she is away and maybe go some way towards releasing her from her anxiety over whether you can cope or not. She obviously feels that you can’t look after yourself, whereas you know you can. Perhaps you could cook some meals some days instead of her – show her that you can do it, rather than simply accepting that it’s her role to ‘look after you’?

    How do you see her reacting if you did leave home? I mean if you left home right now, without doing the above?

    Jay

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  JayJay.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  JayJay.
    #288833

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Guatam,

    She is trying to tell you, the best way she can, trying to let you down gently, that she is not thinking of you as anything other than a friend. That she has no sexual desire for you. That she would like you to stay close but at the same time, feel free to date others and get on with your life.

    I agree with all that Inky, Anita and Mark have said in earlier threads.

    The only part of that email that rings for me is the bit at the end:

    I’d want you to stay. Always. 
    Not as a lover, not as anything else, but as a “special someone”.

    …So she wants you to stay in her life, but she doesn’t need you to be anything other than a ‘special’ friend. That’s a bit selfish of her, don’t you think? Ok to leave you hanging around just in case.. but not wanting you to get any closer.

    I’m not surprised that you are confused, especially as you had thought that this relationship was special enough to propose marriage.

    She has told you the gentlest way she can that she is not interested, and (I think) is trying to let you down gently. So it is not to be. So ok, be a special friend when she needs one… but stop the attachment and get on with your own life? There are always going to be tears and sadness when there is an ending, but you shouldn’t let it become a guilt trap for yourself.

    With best wishes,

    Jay

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