Forum Replies Created
September 12, 2019 at 10:27 am #311899
Dealing with put downs is very hard to do. They are meant to hurt and undermine your confidence in yourself.
It’s an ‘I’m better/my children are better/ my family is better’ than yours. You can call it one-upmanship if you like. The purpose of doing this is that it makes them feel better about themselves.
It’s really a very covert type of bullying.
The best way to overcome this is in just the way you really have been doing. You are intelligent, you work hard, and you will be successful. That’s the best way to show them they got it wrong.
Often people who act like this are putting on a front – they are no better than anyone else, but by pointing out that someone else is worse is a smoke screen. Like Inky said, what great and grand achievements has that cousin of yours got that you haven’t? Is she a child genius or something?
In the scale of things, you don’t see them very often.. what a blessing for you! This aunt and cousin sound the sort of people you should try to avoid altogether!
Jay.July 18, 2019 at 3:20 am #303779
I agree with Inky!
The fact is that he keeps on texting daily that he misses me and I just do not feel like responding. I think he just wants to see if I am still there, fighting, or that I have just gave up and he loses power over me. That’s how I see it.
I call these types ‘Butterfly’ people. They rarely stay around after 6-12 months, but flutter on to the next flower. Both sexes, I’ve seen it with females just the same.
There is a perverse side of human nature, especially in younger people, where the person who has ended the relationship wants to know if you are falling apart without them.. so you get emails and texts and, whilest it appears that they are still thinking about you, they are actually bolstering their own ego. It make them feel powerful to know that someone is missing them.
That someone is hurting. That someone is thinking about them… Even though they don’t actually want that person anymore.
I had a boyfriend once who was like this. He had already lined up his next ‘flower’ before he finished it with me. Then constantly texted to ask me if I was ok… that he missed me… that he still had my things… that he wanted to stay friends… and so on. Yet he had already moved onto his next conquest! All he really wanted to know was that I was falling apart without him, because it made him feel powerful, and bolstered his ego. The typical ‘guy-that-broke-a-thousand-hearts’. I told him ‘we’ were History. He was History. The relationship was History. I wished him well and said goodbye. I never contacted him after that.
He called me a bitch for not wanting to keep in touch! But I stopped him playing his little games – with me anyway. It actually hurt a lot when he did that, but I didn’t let him know that. I simply moved on, and he got a taste of his own medicine. I don’t know if it made him a better person, but I think that was the first time he’s ever been on the receiving end of what he had dished out to the many girlfriends before me over the years. And none of his relationships had ever lasted past 12 months before he was off after his next conquest. I think he was addicted to the thrill of the chase, and not looking for anything long lasting in the way of relationships.
So my advice is exactly what Inky said above:
Let The Stuff go and move on. Call your old guy friends. Call your girlfriends. Have a party to celebrate YOUR freedom, air and peace!
Which is exactly what I did. 🙂June 25, 2019 at 2:18 am #300659
The more I understand how other’s behaviour and choices affect me and how I feel, the better equipped I feel in dealing with those situations that make me feel uncomfortable. I am learning to have more peaceful and mature reactions and this is helping me deal with situations that would normally create great distress and anxiety for me. I am learning that I cannot control or manage other people’s behaviour, but I can become more equipped with how I react and deal with them which feels great and empowering.
You are on the right track here. keep with it.
A family therapy session with your sister (as Anita suggests) might be a good way forward.
Best wishes, Jay
June 24, 2019 at 1:40 am #300469
- This reply was modified 11 months, 1 week ago by JayJay.
Is this an on-line relationship?
My understanding of ghosting is that you never speak to or contact that person ever again.
As he gets back to you when he’s able or ready to do so, suggests to me that he’s not ghosting you.
Raju above says it all in his/her last sentence.
Jay.June 21, 2019 at 1:38 am #300103
I agree he should have told you before now, but don’t you think, with men especially, it’s a case of ‘out of sight, out of mind?’ It still doesn’t excuse the fact that he didn’t tell you though. But there might be a very good reason for him staying out of her life for so long. It could be that she has been prevented, until she came of age, from contacting him.
I think this has triggered your own sense of abandonment for what your own father did to you. It’s good that your partner is meeting his daughter. He is trying to make things right. Try not to let your feelings, which are coming from a past hurt of your own, to colour your judgement and actions. Instead, try to stay calm and see what happens.
June 21, 2019 at 1:19 am #300097
- This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by JayJay.
I’m so sorry to hear this. No wonder you are living in such anxiety and with so much sadness.
Perhaps it’s time to remind them that:
They have forgotten that when they had nothing, we were the only people that helped them out. It was very little help but it was still us that helped them.
TBH, if it were me, I would say the above and then keep my distance. A lot of what they have been doing and saying is really hateful and spiteful of them. You neither need nor want that in your life. If your parents decide differently, then that does not have to be your decision as well.
Better to be poor and honest, than rich and hateful. It seems to me that they have to have someone to measure themselves by, materialistically, so they use you and your family to make themselves feel even more powerful and dominant.
If they didn’t have you and your family to insult and upset, they would have to find someone else. Cut loose my friend. You don’t need people like that in your life.
June 21, 2019 at 12:49 am #300095
- This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by JayJay.
I have tried to stay calm and say I won’t be spoken to this way/treated this way and remove myself from the situation but she has always displayed this type of behaviour and my family and I are quick to forgive so I guess she almost “gets away with it” and repeats the behaviour as soon as things are not going her way.
What you say here above is exactly the same as it is with me. The rest of my family (that is, myself, my father, and my grandparents) over the years have all done the same thing. We are quick to forgive and so the behaviour that my mother used to display (my mother now has dementia and is no longer capable of behaving this way), and the behaviour my sister still does display, just keeps on going. Someone has to break the cycle.
I believe my sister learned this behaviour at my mother’s knee as a child. Both her and my mother are/were drama queens, to put it politely – always wanting all the attention, always wanting everything their own way, always jealous of others, often selfish and self centred, always demanding attention…. and so on, and yes – always forgiven afterwards. So my sister learned that it was ok to say and do anything she liked, even though she knew it was wrong, and that she would indeed ‘get away with it’.
You have to stand up for yourself and make your sister understand that her behaviour is unacceptable. When my sister said something totally out of order, I said, ‘I’m going now. I won’t forget what you just said’. And you have to mean what you say. What you are actually saying is that she had better think twice about what she says in the future, because you are not going to forget it, and, by implication, not going to forgive her for it either.
I hope this helps.
JayJune 20, 2019 at 4:46 am #299931
Yes, the guilt is something you have to deal with. I feel the same with my sister. Most of her problems are self inflicted, but I was told by my grandparents to ‘always love and look after your little sister’, and so that’s what I was brought up doing. It’s a long ingrained habit for me, and was extremely hard for me to give up, especially the guilt. I still feel guilty sometimes, but it’s better than the anxiety it causes to argue or try to sort her problems out for her.
My sister is a fully grown adult, well over the age of 50, as I am, yet still blames everyone else for the way her life turns out. She is never wrong, she is a victim of circumstance. She would never admit her problems are brought about by herself and her own decisions, she is always the victim.
Was there anyone in your childhood that said something similar to you?June 20, 2019 at 4:33 am #299927
I agree with Inky and Anita above.
If you are being baited and respond, you give whoever is causing the situation instant gratification. I never got on that well with my in-laws either! I did exactly what Inky suggested above, and ‘killed them with kindness’. Don’t rise to the bait. When they get no reaction from you except a smile, they will soon find someone else to bait.
Some people just don’t get on. And that’s that. It’s nothing to do with toxic personalities or anything else.
Do you ever feel like you have been judged by them? And your reaction is simply that, a reaction and a defence to protect yourself? I know it was for me. It became obvious that my MIL judged me as being not good enough for her son. It was her problem, no-one else thought that. Her own insecurities were dumped on me. It wasn’t really about me not being good enough, either – she was out to prove that she was better than me, that her family were better than mine – or anyone else’s.
After a few years of ‘no reaction’ or just a smile, she gave up.
JayJune 20, 2019 at 2:36 am #299913
You sound just like me, a very similar tale. I am the eldest sister by 2.5 years.
My parents never divorced or had issues like yours, but they had plenty of rows!
My sister was the ‘favoured, golden child’ for my mother. I went my own way and learned to avoid them both if possible, as they would both turn on me, bully me and belittle me. My sister still does this. Although I don’t give her much opportunity to do so these days.
Like Mark says, you can love her at a distance. Look up ‘how to establish boundaries with family’ and see if you can put any of the suggestions into practice. Often this is simply letting your sister know that you will not tolerate her behaviour any longer.
In my situation, my sister reverts back to childish tantrums when she can’t get her own way, and hurls insults. It’s very tempting to retaliate in a similar manner, but that would give her the satisfaction that she craves, which is to upset me. I thought it was about time she grew up and I told her so. It didn’t make that much difference, but it made me feel good!
My sister knows now that, if she starts to create disharmony (she loves the drama she creates), then I will simply walk away. Literally, I turn my back and walk out.
Misery loves company. If my sister is not happy then she makes sure everyone else is unhappy too. You have to establish boundaries as to do anything else is both mentally and emotionally exhausting.
JayJune 15, 2019 at 2:14 am #299255
Before you go jumping to conclusions, give her a little time to reply. She could be ill, her phone could need charging, she could be busy or on holiday, or simply with another friend. She could even be in an abusive relationship and not able to reply, just like you were…
She might not be ignoring you, but simply hasn’t had the time to reply yet.
I hope that eventually you can get back together and be friends again.
JayJune 12, 2019 at 9:10 am #298675
I have two friends who met as Anita describes above. Neither of them ever wanted to have children and they are both happy with that decision.
I think you are too young to make that decision right now. I feel that, if he is so adamant about not having children that he is prepared to break it off to prevent you from future hurt, that shows great maturity. He obviously knows his own mind, even though he is still young himself. Like Anita says though, he should have that in his profile. It isn’t a crime not to want children, but he should let people he dates know that right from the start.
The friends I mention above, both had had previous relationships where children were an issue and eventually, these previous relationships ended badly. I had known the man I mention above for many years, and he never changed his mind about not having children. A previous relationship of his, which lasted for years, ended very badly, as his partner changed her mind about having no children and realised she did want some. He was devastated at the time, and just kept saying over and over that he had never led her into believing that he would ever have children. I think she thought he would eventually change his mind. He didn’t. In fact, he found even the ‘idea’ of having children repugnant. I’m glad he eventually found someone on the same wavelength. His ex went onto to find a new partner, get married and have children. This story eventually had a happy ending, as they both found partners in tune with their own wants and needs, but only after a great deal of unhappiness for both of them.
JayJune 12, 2019 at 8:34 am #298663
Could it be that you are just confusing friendships with acquaintances?
Maybe some people get used to someone else making all the effort in a friendship, and some people are so lazy that they will let ‘their friend’ (that’s you) carry on putting themselves out, and making all the effort, without making any effort in return. Because they don’t have to… you are doing it all for them. Or it might be that they simply think that you like making all the effort that you do.
It seems to me you have two choices here. You can either carry on making all the effort, because you’re a nice person and you don’t mind making the extra effort, if that’s what it takes. As your husband has suggested, perhaps you really are simply too nice? And non-assertive, not asking for anything in return for the effort you put in.
Or you can do what you suggest (cutting your nose off!) see if they notice that you are not making the effort and see how they react. At least that way you will find out if they are friends, rather than acquaintances. Because true friends, will want to know if you’re ok, at the very least.
Or you could try saying, the next time you are just about to go and see someone, ask them if they would like to come over to your place instead. If you get a general vague answer that they will come over sometime or other, ask them when they would like to come over, so that you can reciprocate the welcome you get from them when you visit them.
A third way would be to share some of those feelings you have that you don’t share with them.
The thing is, I never share any of my feelings with them – unless forced. So it’s something that’s happening, without me realising?
By sharing things with others, you put yourself in a position where you have to trust that person. If you never open up about things or share anything with them, then they will assume that you do not trust them with your feelings. Now, that’s ok for acquaintances, as they don’t or won’t be sharing anything like that with you either. If some of the people you know share things with you, but you never share anything with them unless you are forced to, then just perhaps they can sense there is a barrier there to a true friendship. It’s a two-way thing, is friendship. So maybe you could try opening up a bit and be a bit more trusting?
Did you have trouble forming friendships during your childhood, and was there any reason for that? You sound a lot like me, and I don’t have many friends, but I do have a lot of acquaintances! I can count my true friends on one hand, the people I can share confidences with, rant away in front of, ask for help… and it is the same both ways. If it’s any consolation, most people don’t have that many true friends, they get sifted out over the years, as you learn who you can trust, and who you can’t.
JayJune 12, 2019 at 7:41 am #298641
But why will a person ghost? Is it because of not knowing how to reject the person in the context of dating
But why do people ghost their friends, if there is any issues in the friendship, it can be talked out but why ghost on friends?
Good question! I think you may be right in the context of dating. People who ghost on dates simply don’t know how to communicate sincerely. Or it may be that whatever they say, the recipient is not listening, so in the end they give up? I personally think it’s a product or maybe a social extension of the world we live in, everything gets thrown away, binned. You don’t apologise to your trash before you throw it in the can, you just throw it away.
In the case of friendships, I think that’s more or less the same thing. People who ghost someone else just don’t want the hassle of explanation. but I think in the context of friendship, for whatever reason, then maybe that person who ghosted wasn’t regarding you as a person, really, let along a friend, perhaps.
I have ghosted a friend (well, I suppose the modern term for ‘not speaking to you ever again’ would be ‘ghosting’), and I really thought about it for a long time before I made up my mind never to contact or speak to that person again. It was for a very, very good reason. And that person knew exactly why I no longer wanted to speak to them ever again. The person I ghosted did a shocking thing against me. She wasn’t my friend after all, and I really didn’t want that person in my life any more.
Just my thoughts and honest opinion here.
June 12, 2019 at 7:23 am #298635
- This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by JayJay.
I agree with Anita above. These two months might turn out to be the longest of your life! I know you feel stuck, but if he won’t stick to the new rules for the next two months, he might wear you down so much you are tempted to give in for the sake of peace. I know I have done that in past relationships. And then what – a new lease, another bind, another broken promise or ten… things ok for a while.. then back onto the same old treadmill. Please don’t do that! If he can’t respect your wishes, then move out anyway. If I was in your position, I think I would do that sooner, rather than later.
Best wishes for your future happiness.