Should I fight for him back or just let go?

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This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 5 months ago by JayJay.

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July 16, 2019 at 2:14 am #303523

Marta27
Participant

Hello guys!

I have had a 1 year relationship, it started really passionately, in terms of attention to one another and it has been a roller coaster ever since, with ups and downs. He is very self centered, has had a lot of relationships before me and disliked the fact that I had Male friends. At the beginning we had discussions regarding this topic, in time I have tried to cut the ties so that we do not have any more fights regarding this. I found him twice talking to various girls online, confronted him, promising that it will not happen again and he was just doing it for the attention that he said he did not get from me. We lived half of the time together, since I am working remotely from the city he lives in, so the biggest amount of time spent separated was 3 weeks. I noticed a decline in his attention and interest and no matter how amazing I was being to him, he did not appreciate it. I made him so important, that I forgot about my friends, who told me he was not for me. He recently left to visit his mother from another country, while I was in my home town with business and I confronted him regarding my increased need for attention from him (being insecure as I noticed him changing – maybe it was just in my head) and he just broke up with me through text, saying he wants freedom and peace. I did not want to be that insecure, but his actions made me feel like he was again cheating, even if he denied it. Somehow, he always placed the blame on me during the relationship, that I was cheating, while I was nothing but loyal to him. He said I was suffocating him and that he does not enjoy talking to me anymore. I have refrained from any contact ever since and he wrote one day last week that he is going to send my stuff back, but did not do so yet. I think there is still love to salvage here, and the relationship was good while we were together and not apart. I do not feel the need to contact him, I want things to settle down and let time and no force from my end decide if we were meant to be or not. What do you think?

July 16, 2019 at 7:14 am #303543

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Marta27:

If one of the last thing he told you was that you were suffocating him and that he doesn’t enjoy talking to you anymore (“He said I was suffocating him and that he does not enjoy talking to me anymore”) and after that, last week, he told you that he is going to send your stuff back, I think that your question “Should I fight for him back or just let go?” is a mute question because he is already gone.

Nothing you can do to get a person back into a relationship with you if the person feels suffocated when with you, that is an intense kind of distress, for a person to feel suffocated, not having air to breathe.

And so, it doesn’t matter if he cheated beyond communicating with girls online or how wonderful things were… reads like he is done and gone.

What do you think?

anita

July 16, 2019 at 8:47 am #303563

Valora
Participant

Do you think it’s possible that he didn’t like you having male friends because he was picturing you doing the things that he does with the other females he talks to? You felt like something was off about him, like he could’ve possibly been cheating, and I would probably trust that instinct in this case given that he was making you give up your guy friends. At the very least, there were trust issues there.

Was he dating someone immediately before you? I’m just thinking it’s possible that you were just in a rebound relationship. Those often start super passionately (while one member uses the relationship as a distraction to get over someone else) and then fizzle out later on.

Other than that, I agree with Anita’s advice. I say just move on from this one, and if somehow he comes back later and you happen to still be interested, be very mindful of the red flags.

July 16, 2019 at 11:03 pm #303675

Marta27
Participant

Hello Anita,

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts on this, I really appreciate it.

The fact is that he keeps on texting daily that he misses me and I just do not feel like responding. I think he just wants to see if I am still there, fighting, or that I have just gave up and he loses power over me. That’s how I see it. He is very contradictory and I do not know what to think.

I want to give myself more space and see how the situation unfolds. I think that if he really cares, he will have more than a couple of messages for me and I am also confident that I deserve more.

He did not send the stuff back, I guess it might have been a move from his part to see how I react.

What do you think?

Thank you!

Marta

July 17, 2019 at 4:53 am #303687

Inky
Participant

Hi Marta27,

The male ego loves when we fight for them! That’s why he’s dangling what I call “The Lure of Your Stuff” in front of you. He knows there is a distinct possibility of being suffocated and losing his peace and freedom again!

I think it’s great that you are not responding. At all! Let him have all the air, peace and freedom he could ever wish for!

Let The Stuff go and move on. Call your old guy friends. Call your girlfriends. Have a party to celebrate YOUR freedom, air and peace!

Best,

Inky

July 17, 2019 at 6:50 am #303693
Kevin
Participant
Marta .. In my (70 years of) experience .. and from the other side of the great divide between men and women .. I can assure you .. you can’t KEEP anyone .. and you shouldn’t even think about “fighting to get them back” … Let them go, both in the real world and in your head/heart, and see what happens. You may find the universe pushes someone more suitable in your direction, or your current guy might realise it was good and come back as a more suitable him, OR …

You may be on your own for a while (and what’s wrong with that?) … which will give you some time to contemplate the previous situation. Regardless of how your relationship situation develops, don’t blame either him or you, nobody “did it” .. it happened … and don’t try to fit your analysis around him and what you would like to happen next … keep your mind open. I strongly urge you to take time to examine your heart, your motives, your needs/desires/dependencies and go deeper into yourself to see if you can find the origins of those feelings … See if you could have done things differently, see if the relationship actually was for you, see if you were “in love” or “in need of love” ..

and all the time remember ..

There is nobody in the world who is like you. You are unique and because of that you are perfect in yourself .. a reflection of the One which is everything … Show yourself compassion. Give youself the sort of adbvice you would give to your litytle sister or your best friend .. honest and frank … and remember .. you have to be able to love yourself before you can give love to someone else … you can’t expect to receive it in exchange for “devotion” .. A loving relationship is a free flow of pure emotion between people, without constraints and without expectations …

Keep on being Beautiful

Peace

Kevin
- This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Kevin.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Kevin.
July 17, 2019 at 7:19 am #303705

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Marta:

You are welcome. Let me see: this man had “a lot of relationships” before you. The one year relationship with you “started really passionately” and “has been a roller coaster ever since, with ups and downs”. During this one year he has been talking to women online and said he was doing so because you didn’t give him enough attention. Otherwise “he always placed the blame on (you)”. He blamed you for cheating on him, something you did not do. He broke up with you recently through text, “saying he wants freedom and peace”. But he “keeps on texting daily that he misses (you)”. You wrote that he is “very contradictory”.

My thoughts: he may be a .. drama queen, or king, gets bored and tried to make his life interesting by creating drama- creating a drama that doesn’t exist (you cheating on him) and on his part, flirting with other women, breaking up with you but texting you anyway… getting excited about creating trouble where it needs not be.

Do you think he is a .. drama king?

anita

July 18, 2019 at 3:20 am #303779

JayJay
Participant

Hi Marta,

I agree with Inky!

The fact is that he keeps on texting daily that he misses me and I just do not feel like responding. I think he just wants to see if I am still there, fighting, or that I have just gave up and he loses power over me. That’s how I see it.

I call these types ‘Butterfly’ people. They rarely stay around after 6-12 months, but flutter on to the next flower. Both sexes, I’ve seen it with females just the same.

There is a perverse side of human nature, especially in younger people, where the person who has ended the relationship wants to know if you are falling apart without them.. so you get emails and texts and, whilest it appears that they are still thinking about you, they are actually bolstering their own ego. It make them feel powerful to know that someone is missing them.
That someone is hurting. That someone is thinking about them… Even though they don’t actually want that person anymore.

I had a boyfriend once who was like this. He had already lined up his next ‘flower’ before he finished it with me. Then constantly texted to ask me if I was ok… that he missed me… that he still had my things… that he wanted to stay friends… and so on. Yet he had already moved onto his next conquest! All he really wanted to know was that I was falling apart without him, because it made him feel powerful, and bolstered his ego. The typical ‘guy-that-broke-a-thousand-hearts’. I told him ‘we’ were History. He was History. The relationship was History. I wished him well and said goodbye. I never contacted him after that.

He called me a bitch for not wanting to keep in touch! But I stopped him playing his little games – with me anyway. It actually hurt a lot when he did that, but I didn’t let him know that. I simply moved on, and he got a taste of his own medicine. I don’t know if it made him a better person, but I think that was the first time he’s ever been on the receiving end of what he had dished out to the many girlfriends before me over the years. And none of his relationships had ever lasted past 12 months before he was off after his next conquest. I think he was addicted to the thrill of the chase, and not looking for anything long lasting in the way of relationships.

So my advice is exactly what Inky said above:

Let The Stuff go and move on. Call your old guy friends. Call your girlfriends. Have a party to celebrate YOUR freedom, air and peace!

Which is exactly what I did. 🙂
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