Very old bass playing grandpa who was kicked onto the path to spiritual freedom by the heartbreak of a final traumatic break up of his last love affair .. and who is now eternally grateful to his ex and her new love interest for the lessons he has learned in the process of "recovery".
Forum Replies Created
June 28, 2019 at 11:39 pm #301309
I constantly feel this hole inside of me that I want gone! It totally prevents me from feeling good about myself.
The first step is to start loving yourself a lot more. Fill that hole with your own love of yourself…
From the things you have said, your don’t seem to have a particularly high opinion of yourself and if you’d don’t love yourself, you will tend to radiate those signals to other people, making you less attractive (as in less lovable) Weren’t the most popular kids at school always the ones who were “full of themselves” and looked like they loved themselves… ?
If I recall, there are some excellent posts on Tiny Buddha about self-love and self-compassion. It’s not a quick fix. Like all ego reprogramming exercises, it will require patience and dedication, regular practice and the honest desire to change..
But is worth it if you can stick at it.June 28, 2019 at 7:19 am #301207
“I am keen to accept that for myself”
I recommend you take a look at the book by Eckhert Tolle – The Power of Now … He says it so much better than I can.
June 28, 2019 at 2:14 am #301171
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Kevin.
The main issue for me is that I’m slowly realising I have nothing figured out and it makes me very anxious. I’m usually very hands on and practical and I’ve always had a plan, but so many changes in my life have made me nervous and afraid, since life is obviously not going the way I expected whatsoever. I’ve always been a happy and cheerful person and I find myself very prone to sadness this past year. I easily crumble and struggle to see the positive side of things these days and I’m afraid that’s going to be me from now on.
Try replacing every place you put “I” or “me” or “myself” with the words “my ego” …
The main issue for my ego is that it’s slowly realising it has nothing figured out and it makes my ego very anxious. My ego is usually very hands on and practical and it’s always had a plan, but so many changes in my life have made my ego nervous and afraid, since life is obviously not going the way it expected whatsoever. My ego has always been a happy and cheerful person and it finds itself very prone to sadness this past year. It easily crumbles and struggles to see the positive side of things these days and I’m afraid thatmy ego is going to be ME from now on.
It is your ego asserting itself and trying to control your life .. to become you and do everything .. and one of it’s best tools is to sew fears and uncertainties into your real person and tthen offer to sove them .. Thst way it slowly makes itself indispensible and you allow it to run your life for you .. That way lies suffering …
Ego lives in the past and the future, constantly trying to extrapolate into the future (often lookg for bad things to avoid) and using incomplete historic data (memories) to (unsuccessfully) work out how to cope with all the imagined scenarios. That is at best uncomfortable and at worst disastrous for your true, inner, divine self.
Nothing happens in the past .. it happeneD … nothing happens in the future, it MIGHT happen, and any attempt to see into the future is pure speculation .. The only place anything happens .. The only place wwhere everything happens .. is NOW. Try it .. try to read a new book three weeks ago .. try to turn on the light 1 minute before you go into the room …
Now do ANYTHING WHICH YOU FEEL IS RIGHT and APPROPRIATE …. NOW
You are the master/mistress of your destiny. Start to become present in the moment, and make mindful decisions and actions. Stop letting your ego determine what is right or wrong, bad or good, desirable or not, based on a distorted view of the world and an overwhelming desire to fit in, be noticed, be liked, avoid fear and pain …
Mindful meditation will help a lot. So will reading a lot of the blog posts all over the internet about the dangers of an unconscious ego. You are VERY fortunate that you have spotted the struggles your ego is having and to which you are attaching yourself. Tiny Buddha, Eckhert Tolle, Jim Tolles .. all have plenty to say on the subject.
At your age you have the perfect opportunity to step onto the path of ego “retraining”. It gets mch harder the older you get. The ego is like an onion .. and stripping off the layers, one aat a time, is tedious and painful .. you only have a few .. imagine how big my ego onion was when I recognised it .. at age 60 ..
I recommend reading Eckhert Tolle’s book “The Power of Now” .. it spoke the right words to me ..
however, you have to find your own way.
Peace and love
KJune 28, 2019 at 1:49 am #301165
Jealousy and envy are constructs created by ego and conditioning. They don’t come from the soul .. so they are not “you”.
Recently I have been forced to take several journeys into myself looking for the core issues which gave rise to the rather uncomfortable ego I have come to know as myself … More than a few of those inward-looking explorations started from incidents involving jealousy and envy, and I was eventually able to track them back to early childhood and the arrival of my younger sister … Until she arrived I was the only child and had “everything” … anyway … you know the rest of the story … but that only relates to me.
The big point is that as my body and mind matured over the nexy 65 years or more, those primal influences became honed to razor sharpness and adult strength as ego-attachments .. with an comensurate increase in the level of ego-invented suffering.
Boiling it down to an emotion rather than a suffering … The primal negative emotion here is fear. Jealousy is fear of loss – of having something/someone taken away from you. Envy is entirely ego-derived and comes from the conditioning inherent in society to always “have the best” … Envy is the ego converting the fear of not being good enough into suffering … Fear, pain etc. will always be there, suffering can be eliminated by training the ego to know it’s true place in your life. You will always have to deal with primal emotions like fear, anger, pain .. but without the ego overlaying them with additional layers of suffering, you will be more able to meditate and “breathe into the emotion”, acknowledge it, let it run its course, and return to your regular beautiful self again without that nagging voice in the back of your head making you suffer …
“There is always going to be someone, prettier, smarter, etc. than you.”
The true answer to that statement above is “bullshit”. Comparisons and judgemental statements are always ego derived… Your natural staate is just to BE, not to be something.
And as for “better than you” … There is nobody on this entire planet who can be “just as pretty as you” or “just as smart as you” .. because you are unique in every respect. You are perfect exactly as you are, and if you feel you are not, then question yourself deeply with one simple question…
“Is it ME who is telling me I need to improve, or is it my ego, socretal conventions and standards, marketing images etc. which are making me feel that way”
If the answer is ME … then it is a fgood thing. Its a sign that your body and soul are getting more into line with each other and telling you they would feel even more like you if you maybe did this or that …
If the answer is ego, or “the socially acceptable standard” … then flip it the bird, give yourself a huge internal hug, love yourself and carry on being perfect.
… and the easiest way to identify which of the two you are feeling is to see whether that feeling is based on some sort of an implicit comparison with anything outside yourself … If it is .. It’s ego.
Always keep one eye on the ego. It’s a slippery little devil 🙂 … It was originally there to help you run your life, NOT to run it for you, and definitely NOT to give you an identity to live inside … but if you allow it, it will become you and you will be identified by your ego.
Ego is doing, Self is being … Be beautiful ..
June 28, 2019 at 12:10 am #301159
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Kevin.
Kevin thank you thank you
Thank you for sharing. It makes complete sense for me and I appreciate you
You are very welcome Vicki. I am just grateful to the One that I was able to share and that you were able to make use of my words.
Love and Light
June 27, 2019 at 4:57 am #301015
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by Kevin.
My apologies for all the typos .. It was a thought stream, typed at speed and I forgot to proof read it before I hit Submit … dohhh !!June 27, 2019 at 4:45 am #301009
I’m answering your question as much for myself, as an affirmation, as I am for you, as a thought you may wish to consider. Also .. in case ity makes any difference 🙂 .. I am a man so my perspective is on a recently broken, 3.5 year long relationship with a much younger woman. The actual break-up which only finalised in May, was dragged out over almost 18 months and the final straw was whgen she introduced someone eose into the picture and turned away from me almost totally.
I really don’t want to address the question of the fidelity or infidelity of your lover. That is not really an issue IO can comment on, but I would say that your “ionternal” treatment of the issues is something I can realte to on the deepest of levels … That “suspicion” drawn out of speculation about what “might be” happening .. the eventual acceptance of your completely non-factual imaginings as the most likely truth, the way you tear yourself up when you don’t have “one eye on his tail” to make sure you don’t get the chance to imagie the worst … fear of loss, fear of rejection, bubbling anxious jealousy …. I bet you imagine them messaging each other when you see that both of them are active at the same time in Messenger, Skype or What’sApp too .. 🙂
And NONE of it is based on any observed facts beyond noticing a few facebook encounters. ALL of it is your very own captive ego-demon winding you up … I know .. I lived in your shoes for 12 months or more even before the real thing appeared and the end was well and truly in sight. I don’t have any easy words for you but I can tell you briefly about my own process if you like …
I was in the depths of pain coming from every angle … despair, disgust, jealousy, anger, sense of injustice, self-loathing for feeling all that, and a deep and abiding love for her which was being denied any opportunity to express itself … and then I woke up.
She is just another person. She is entitled to live her life any way she choses to live it. For me to call it “wrong” or to censure her for living as a free person was my first indiation that ALL OF THIS was an ego-construct .. Ego attachments developed over many many years, forged in childhood and enhanced, strengthened, and made more concrete by a succession od almost identical, recurring life events. I had fallen victim to the all-consuming ego. That little bit of Artificial Intelligence we are supposed to be using as a tool to filter out all the unneccessary stuf and make sense of the complicated stuff, had actually taken over. It had seduced me with its “don’t worry – I’ll handle that” into believeing that IT was ME … that what it “thought, worried about, the way it acted, the things it wanted” were my desires. It was as true in my relationships as it was in my choice of motor car or the job I did. All my relationships up to right now, were not real love .. they were ego-love .. the sort of love than is given in the expectation of something being returned, and if the return falls short of the ourgiving .. ego gets pissy about it and starts making problems.
And there’s another cool thing about egos (if you’re an ego .. of you’re nor it’s seriosly uncool) …. Ego is designed to solve problems. If there aren’t any problems it invents them and then tries to solve them … If it’s left to run away uncontrolled, it will do exactly what you described .. invent scenarios (in the future) and then try to fix them (using its memories of past similar scenarios) and you get to watch it spinning in circles from speculation about the future and dredging up all the stuff from the past .. which, incidentally, most times only serves to fuel the speculations … and down we spiral again. And ego doesn’t like to be alone. Many years of advertising, subtle and direct, many images of people together, and the fact that ehgo hates to be alone inside you … all conspire to convince you and ego that you NEED .. or MUST HAVE .. another person to make you feel complete. A Yang for your Yin … and so ego gets your motor fired up and goes off in search of your “perfect match” … Sooner or later it forms an ego-dependency called “lurve” attached to some one person … and off you go “in lurve”.
It might hurt, I might be called cruel for saying it but … GET RID OF HIM … not because og what you think or what you are feeling inside … Get rid of him because that beautiful bundle of puyre joy an divine light that is the REAL YOU is being smothered by the ego she is wralled up in.
Get rid of him and don’t .. ABSOLUTLEY DON’T go out looking for domeone else. Instead .. go in looking for someone you used to love when you were a kid … Show her all the love you have inside you. Water and nurture that beautiful flower with divine the love and light which has always been there, deep inside you. It won’t be easy. You will feel pain, you will feel loneliness, but here, on Little Buddha you weil lfind a supportive community and all the advice you ned in the blog. Find your princess, teach her to become a goddess, ansd let the universe bring the right person into your life …
And give him/her unconditional love .. in the moment .. the past is dead .. you can do nothing in the past .. it is lust a memory. The future does not exist. You can’t reach into the future and make things happen .. the onlyt place in your entire existence where you can know what is happening and hacve an effect by doing something .. is NOW. So you cannot, if you love unconditionally and mindfully, you CANNOT expect a soul partner to always be there, or always be what oyou want, and you cannot expect them to want you “forever’ …
Everything changes every instant.
Lose the ego lover
Use the pain of that loss to awaken the real you
Stop trying to be loved and start being love itself
and always know that you are loved .. by everybody .. even a tired old stranger like me …