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Being in the Friend-zone

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This topic contains 50 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #308973

    Susy
    Participant

    I’m so confused now… I really need some advice from you how to get out of friend zone, or maybe just to move on for good.

    Like 2 months ago I started to talk with a guy online. We’ve been in the same facebook group for years, and I sort of noticed him and his comments before, but we never talked in private, mostly because I was in a relationship. So he added me as a friend, and we quickly became inseparable. We talked online 24/7, and I really felt connected. The flirting started and also evolved quickly. Our views and values and even lives have so many things in common, it is sometimes even feels creepy… We live in different countries, and after like 3-4 weeks he told me that he would come to see me in person and maybe we should go for a real date. At that point he also told me that he was for 5 yrs in a very abusive on-off relationship with a married woman, but since he was so young and so much in love, he let himself being used. (these are not really his words, this is what I know from mutual friends) And that they never had a real closure until now. He told her that he is interested in someone else, and also that they should have ended their relationship years ago. So I was aware that he had a lot of emotional baggage…

    To cut you the long story short, we met, spent a wonderful weekend together. The attraction was there, I caught him staring at me for hours and he was in tears when we had to say good bye. After we met everything was the same at first, the 24/7 connection, endless conversations and I even met his friends through video calls. We agreed that next time I will visit him, in a week or two. Mind you… I never ever initiated contact, nor the visit. I was a bit reserved, but made pretty obvious hints on how I felt about him. (like poetry, etc. in a feminine way) Fast forward 2 weeks… he told me, that he loves me, and finds me attractive and a really kind person, but he misses something. Like…  passion. But maybe this is not a problem.

    After a few days he did not talk with me for the first time for 24 hrs. I knew something was off. Next morning he called me and told me that he met his ex and they had a long talk and she initiated sex which “almost” happened, but he was “physically incapable”…And that he finally had his closure, but it also means he is not ready for a relationship like he wanted to be. It hurt like hell, but I’m also human, and also somewhat emotional, I know it is very hard to let go after a long relationship. I also could have had sex with my ex several times. After that incident he backed off completely (but still chatting pretty much every day, asks how am I, what are my plans for the day, if I ate and little nothings like that), but I feel I’m stuck in the “friend zone” for now. He told me that for now he really feels it would be the best to remain friends. I really don’t know what to do. I can not hate him, because he was sincere the whole time… and I still have feelings. I have my own friends, I can’t see myself chatting like that for very long….

    We will meet this weekend, on a friends party.. but I really don’t know how to handle it.

    Any advice would be really appreciated 🙂

    #308989

    Valora
    Participant

    I think it sounds like your friend is being really responsible in giving himself time and space to work through his feelings of his past relationship before getting into another one. If I were you, I would just be patient. The “friend zone” really is a myth. Quite frankly, I know PLENTY of friends who were just friends for years, only to end up in a relationship with each other and some even married happily later on. So the idea that there is some zone that people get stuck in and can’t get back out of isn’t real. Either the feelings are there for someone or they aren’t, and I think that people use this “zone” to make themselves feel better for being rejected.

    But I digress…. I don’t really think a rejection is what is happening here. I think it sounds like he does have feelings for you but he knows he also needs to work through some things first, and honestly, that’s smart, and if you allow him to do that before you two get closer or into a relationship, it will allow your relationship to get started on the right foot, which will help to build a strong foundation.  So I say just be his friend, be supportive. Eventually, he will start feeling better and if you keep the emotional connection you two have, it’s likely that you two will come together when the time is right… don’t WAIT around though. That’s important. If you end up meeting someone else you connect with just as much, don’t be afraid to explore that connection either, especially if that guy is ready for a relationship.

    #308993

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Susy,

    This is a tough call – you knew he had this problem relationship and then, when he’s made the effort to visit you, she magically appears on the scene and tries to have sex with him which he says he resisted.  I can’t really get that picture – he knows the on/off pattern and subjects himself to it and because he fails at completing the act he calls it ‘closure’.

    You are two months into an on-line relationship and you are hooked in.  There is no way that you would pull out of going to that party – go with the intention that you are just friends, don’t give all your attention to him, make sure you circulate and dance with anyone who asks you.

    Live your life with him in the background if you want to, but let him know that remaining friends does not give him any rights to ‘exclusivity’ and you consider yourself free to date other people.

    Best Wishes

    Peggy

     

    #308995

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Susy:

    About two months ago the two of you started an intense inseparable 24/7 online communication that included flirting. After 3-4 weeks of that, he told you that he wanted to travel and meet you in person and he did. You spent “a wonderful weekend together”. Following his visit the 24/7 communication continued for two weeks before he told you that he is missing passion with you, then you didn’t hear from him for 24 hours. After that he told you that he most recently met with his ex, a married woman with whom he had a five year on-off relationship. She initiated sex but he was “physically incapable”, and that “he finally had his closure” in regard to that relationship. Following that revelation, you and him are communicating as friends, being on the “Friend-zone”, unlike the previous flirtatious, inseparable 24/7 communication.

    You wrote: “We will meet this weekend, on a friends party.. but I really don’t know how to handle it”-

    My thoughts: he is a young  man, I understand, having had an on again, off again relationship with a married woman for five years. Even though he met her recently and was not able to perform sexually, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is off, temporarily or permenantly. It doesn’t mean that the closure he mentioned is a permanent closure.

    In other words, he may be back in the relationship with her now or will soon. The nature of the relationship for years has been on and off. It is reasonable to expect that it may be on again.

    You wrote: “Our views and values and even lives have so many things in common, it is sometimes even feels creepy”- is the value of engaging in a sexual relationship with a person married to someone else one of those values?

    How about valuing emotion/ passion above reason and loyalty and decency: if he believes it is wrong to be sexually involved with a woman married to another man but he believes that once he feels passion for another woman, the deed has to be done because he feels passion- then a committed, mongamous relationship with him is impossible.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  anita.
    #308999

    Susy
    Participant

    Dear Valora, Peggy and Anita!

    Thank you so much for your time and all your answers are very much appreciated.

    I try to make a few things clear, where I should have been more precise.

    When he met his ex, he was around 24. She was his first long relationship and he did not know that she was married at first. After he found out, she told him that her marriage is over, she will be soon divorced from her husband, and at one point they moved in together for a short period. It is not like he was her secret lover the whole time. He told me many times that it was not something he is proud of, and he really tried to break up several times. The woman is 12 yrs older, she should have known better, but this is only my opinion. I don’t want to make a victim out of him, I know it takes two to dance.

    When he disappeared for a day, it was when they met. He told me right away, and I do appreciate that he was honest. She re-appeared because she knew I was in the picture. And she wanted to try if he is still under her spell… which he might still be. I do feel he needs to work on it. 🙁

    Well… I really don’t know. Of course I won’t be sitting at home waiting for him, but I feel really bad how it turned out in the end 🙁

     

    #309001

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Susy:

    You are welcome. So  when he met this woman, he was around 24 and she was 36. Now he is about 29 and she is 41. I understand that he wasn’t her secret lover the whole time.

    You wrote, “she wanted to try if he is still under her spell”- suggesting she is after power, wanting to continue to have a .. magical power over him, a magical sexual power. Is that your impression, that he has been or is under a spell?

    anita

    #309003

    Susy
    Participant

    I do believe she wants to own him rather than love him. I don’t think it is real love when you string someone along for years, but never really choose to be with him. Or she just kept him as an illusion, an illusion of a life she could have had not being married…

    I don’t think he is really still under … but I do feel he needs time to heal. And also to figure out what he wants in a relationship first place. Because I’m nothing like his ex. I admit if I’m wrong – he was very pleasantly surprised by that and told me he never met a woman who could say sorry without blaming him…Also I’m calm and collected, not needy and not at all a drama queen. And it makes me sad that he let us down so fast. I mean unless he was really not that attracted in the first place… but then he should have won the Oscar for his acting.

    #309005

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Susy:

    What if she is a drama queen and he is an actor, both of them feeding on excitement. Lots of people seek and feed on excitement- some people sky dive, others climb steep rocks… and yet other have affairs with magical married women with spells.

    I would say: get to know him better: what motivates him, what is he after. Then see if there is a match between what you are after and what he is after.

    anita

    #309011

    Susy
    Participant

    I do think you have some truth about feeding on excitement… I see how it can be addictive to some. Especially if your first relationship is like that, and you socialize into these kind of interactions with your partner.

    Yet I think he wants to have a family and a “normal life”. He is a bit old fashioned, just as I am. He also believes in marriage. He told me that after that relationship he lost himself a bit, and he never wanted to fall in love again. He was not prepared to be interested in anyone so soon, and was really surprised how fast things evolved between us. Well..maybe it was indeed too fast.

    #309013

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Susy:

    He is about to turn thirty- for many, thirty is an age when the teenage/ twenty nontraditional time is Out and traditional/ old fashion is In.

    If he cares to have a woman in his life who says sorry when she is wrong, instead of blaming him; if he cares to have a calm and collected woman, instead of a drama-queen/frenzied woman, he will be pursuing you soon, wouldn’t he?

    anita

    #309029

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Susy,

    I’ve read all the above posts and would like to put forward a suggestion.  Your boyfriend is used to having an on/off relationship with women.  This is transferable.  He was with you for two months through on line communication, you developed an attachment, honeymoon period over (just my theory that after the eight week honeymoon period, the real self kicks in), is it on or is it off?  It took two people to engage in this kind of relationship.

    He may need time to heal but if closure has happened, then he can heal faster with you than without you.  If he needs to reconnect with himself before he enters a new relationship that’s a different matter.

    Don’t forget that you are being hurt through this as well and your own feelings need to be taken into account.  How many times would you be prepared to enter into the “on” stage following an “off” stage.  Beware the roller coaster ride!

    Peggy

    #309033

    Kevin
    Participant

    I’m sorry to be a wet blanket Suzy, but I am old, and blunt with my words 🙂

    It looks to me as though you are trying to enter into some kind of a romantic entaglement with expectations … You are wanting things to happen and expecting results … that is not Love … that is your ego not wanting to be “lonely”.

    Such a situation is a recipe for disaster even in the most “loving” of situations.

    I have recently broken up with my lover of 3 years .. the relationship started out as something absolutely wonderfun, but reapidly degenerated into “mutual emotional dependency”.. which really boils down to simply using each other to satisfy our ego-feelings of neediness, expectation and attachment. The last 18 months (12 months of the dying “relationship”and 6 months of the break up and acrimony) were a terrible and constantly painful “blunt trauma”of trying and failing to first let go and then cling onto eachother .. and on analysis, it all developed out of the ego-attachment each of us had for the other.

    If you truly LOVE this man, then you will have no problem in being there for him and giving him the space he needs to “find himself”. If he does find himself, and you are still around, it will be so much better for both of you, and even if he returns but doesn’t stay, or if you move on later, at least the time you have together will be wonderful, and the lessons you learn will be of benefit in the future.

    True love is uncondition. It is one-way and it is only joyful. Anything else is “Lurve”.. the stuff Isaac Hayes sings about.

    So step back. If you truly love him, give him the love you feel for him. Do not ask for, nor expect, anything in return. It cannot hurt you to do that. If it does hurt then your spirit is not feeling the love … your ego is inventing it out of its need for attachment, dependency, neediness … This is not the real, divine love we all have inside us.

    And if it is any of those things .. save all that energy and give your real love to yourself instead .. because in the end .. you are perfect, just as you are. There is only one you, and she is beautiful. You don’t need anyone else to confirm that for you … The universe knows this, and when it is ready it will adjust its energy streams and float the perfect person into your world …

    or not ..

    but is that such a bad thing anyway .. “Lurve hurts” after all … In the long run, for an awakened spirit, it is better to be alone and happy than attached and miserable.

    Love and Light

    Kevin

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Kevin.
    #309041

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Susy,

    It sounds like this boy is used to Drama-Traumas, as I put it.

    How do I know this? Well, if I was seeing a married dude and was getting serious with a long distance dude, I would NOT want to hurt my new boyfriend in any way, shape, or form. I would not re-see the married guy, but OK Inky is human, let’s see I see him…

    Why would I then let my new love know??? Because, “HONESTY”??? Oh, I will break your heart and kill your soul, but that’s OK, because I couldn’t finish the physical act, and give me a medal because I’m being “Honest”!

    I like Peggy’s suggestion of telling him that you two are NOT exclusive.

    Tell him that you in fact, won’t sleep with him, at least in this visit. That you really don’t want to catch a sexually transmitted disease, and won’t risk it. I have in fact used this line. It has, in fact, worked. The guy had, in fact, gone to the doctor and got tested, because I was that serious. This will insult him, and by the way, insult her. But, your decision!

    Long distance relationships aren’t worth this trouble, but, again, your decision.

    Think Hard,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Inky.
    #309047

    Susy
    Participant

    Hi Anita, Peggy, Kevin and Inky,

    You guys are killing me, but it is ok, this is why I came here, to get other people’s opinion. 🙂

    “If he cares to have a woman in his life who says sorry when she is wrong, instead of blaming him; if he cares to have a calm and collected woman, instead of a drama-queen/frenzied woman, he will be pursuing you soon, wouldn’t he?”

    I agree with you, yes. And this is what I hope he will realize and act upon… I’m not going to pursue him in any shape or form, I was even thinking about refusing him to pick me up tomorrow for the party, but I already agreed so…

    “He may need time to heal but if closure has happened, then he can heal faster with you than without you.  If he needs to reconnect with himself before he enters a new relationship that’s a different matter. Don’t forget that you are being hurt through this as well and your own feelings need to be taken into account.  How many times would you be prepared to enter into the “on” stage following an “off” stage.  Beware the roller coaster ride!”

    This is what I am thinking about all the time. If he just needs some time or he is just not that into me… I do feel he is genuine and not playing around intentionally. But for me things are a little bit more black or white. Either I want someone or don’t. He is a scorpio by the way…

    “It looks to me as though you are trying to enter into some kind of a romantic entaglement with expectations … You are wanting things to happen and expecting results … that is not Love … that is your ego not wanting to be “lonely”.”

    Dear Kevin! Oh I wish I could be that wise and mature to love so purely. And I mean it. But I’m not yet there.  Am I lonely? Nope. Am I attracted to him because I saw something rare and special in him? Yes. Am I willing to just be there for him no matter what? Well… maybe I could see myself as a friend, but not right now. I will need some time to let go… But I definitely hear you!

    “Tell him that you in fact, won’t sleep with him, at least in this visit. That you really don’t want to catch a sexually transmitted disease, and won’t risk it. “

    You are hilarious! But he is not expecting me to sleep with him, as I started the thread, I am now considered as a friend 🙂 And of course I’m without any benefits 😀

    #309051

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Susy:

    If and when you get confused, have only the facts in mind, no wishful thinking, nothing about what will be, just the facts. Here are two facts:

    1. “he told me, that he loves me, and finds me attractive and a really kind person, but he misses something. Like… passion. But maybe this is not a problem”- so he told you that he is not content with the quality or extent of passion he felt with you, and that maybe it is a problem for him.

    2. He has an on again off again relationship with a married woman for whom he has felt the quality and extent of passion he hasn’t felt with you.

    Taking only these two facts into consideration, where do you go from here?

    anita

     

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