boyfriend doesn't want kids but i do in the future?

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 10 months ago by JayJay.

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June 9, 2019 at 12:37 pm #298135

Laden
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i have been dating him for 3 months and he told me from the start that he didn’t want kids. we met on a dating app and couldn’t stop talking and meeting. we tried to cut eachother off in the beginning several times but we couldn’t because we had such a strong connection. he had casually seen many people but was not open to getting into a relationship until we met. as i told him exclusivity was a necessity for me, he asked me to be his girlfriend. our relationship grew a lot in this short time and we really developed strong love and care for one another. we would bring up the kids thing every now and then and he would be stern about never wanting to have kids, because of the financial burden and how it would take away his freedom. i told him i wasn’t sure if i wanted kids that badly, but it was always something i did want until i met him. i loved him which is why i considered compromising.

everyone says having kids isnt something either person should compromise on but the thought of losing him is really hard. everything else in our relationship is great and we both would stay together, if it werent for this one thing. he thinks its better to separate now because although he loves me, he says he would feel really guilty if i decide i want kids down the road and he was the reason i was not able to find someone i could build a family with. initially he told me it would be my decision to end the relationship if i wanted kids, but as i really did not want to end things, he said he would do it for me. and that although it hurts now, he knows he’s doing the best thing for me and i’ll be happy in the future when i find a man who shares the same desire to have children.

its hard to let him go. its the right thing to do long term because i know i will want kids in my 30’s. we are only 23 and 25 now but he says i shouldnt waste my time with him. has anyone gone through something similar or have advice for how i can get past this? its hard to imagine finding someone new that i connect with, the way i did with him.

June 9, 2019 at 1:27 pm #298141

Inky
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Hi Laden,

Let him go. After you let him go you will one day find a regular person and have kids. Years from now you will run into this guy. “It’s him!”

“Who is that mom?”

You awkwardly say that that was the guy you would have chosen over your kids.

Don’t choose this guy over your kids. Act as if the future is now.

Best,

Inky

P.S. Don’t be surprised if, as life passes by, you see him and ~ surprise! He has kids. Many kids. He realizes, the richer and older he gets, that, freedom isn’t worth much.

June 9, 2019 at 1:38 pm #298143

Valora
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I agree with Inky. This is a pretty big incompatibility. A huge one, in fact, and should definitely be seen as a deal breaker. You may be willing to compromise now to be with him, but there will come a time when the spark in your relationship wears off a bit, and your desire to have kids will come back again if it was always there before you met him. Your boyfriend is right. You two should just save yourself the pain in the future (which would be MUCH, MUCH bigger as you’ve had years to grow closer rather than just months) and separate now.

Inky’s also right that, in the future, he might have kids… but he also might not. I have quite a few friends in their 30s, both men and women, who haven’t had kids and have absolutely no desire to have them for various reasons. So you definitely can’t bank on the “what if he changes his mind” thoughts either.

June 10, 2019 at 9:05 am #298279

Anonymous
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Dear Laden:

My suggestion is that you advise him to state very clearly and very visibly in his dating app profile that he is not interested in ever becoming a parent, so children are not in his life plan and therefore only women with the same plan in regards to having children should reply to him. Also, he should make it clear to any woman he meets on the first date, and not proceed to the next date without a compatibility in this regard.

That will prevent unnecessary problems and maybe more women getting hurt. Once he meets a woman who like him doesn’t want children, the two, I imagine, will be motivated to make it work, because of this compatibility.

anita

June 12, 2019 at 9:10 am #298675

JayJay
Participant

Dear Laden,

I have two friends who met as Anita describes above. Neither of them ever wanted to have children and they are both happy with that decision.

I think you are too young to make that decision right now. I feel that, if he is so adamant about not having children that he is prepared to break it off to prevent you from future hurt, that shows great maturity. He obviously knows his own mind, even though he is still young himself. Like Anita says though, he should have that in his profile. It isn’t a crime not to want children, but he should let people he dates know that right from the start.

The friends I mention above, both had had previous relationships where children were an issue and eventually, these previous relationships ended badly. I had known the man I mention above for many years, and he never changed his mind about not having children. A previous relationship of his, which lasted for years, ended very badly, as his partner changed her mind about having no children and realised she did want some. He was devastated at the time, and just kept saying over and over that he had never led her into believing that he would ever have children. I think she thought he would eventually change his mind. He didn’t. In fact, he found even the ‘idea’ of having children repugnant. I’m glad he eventually found someone on the same wavelength. His ex went onto to find a new partner, get married and have children. This story eventually had a happy ending, as they both found partners in tune with their own wants and needs, but only after a great deal of unhappiness for both of them.

Best wishes

Jay
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