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Needing some help..

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 3 days ago.

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  • #300065

    Nicole
    Participant

    So I am feeling really upset right now. Me and partner have been together for 2 years and we’ve lived together for about a year and a half. About 3 months I received a message from a girl in the middle of the night asking me to get him to check his messages. I didnt see it until we woke up the next day. I asked him who it was, and he stared at my phone for quite a while, until he told me it was his daughter. He had never mentioned anything about her to me. I was shocked that he could hide something like that from me. She is 18 and he hasn’t seen her since she was a baby. I asked him how he could do that, and he told me the mother had run off and he never got to see his daughter again. I felt really hurt by this and took it kind of personally, because my father also left me when I was about 5, and I never seen him again. They have made plans to meet- it’s actually happening right now. I’ve told him I think it’s good what they are doing, but I honestly don’t want to be involved in this. It’s a lot for me to deal with and I’m not sure how I should. I love him very much, but this entire thing has taken a huge emotional toll on me. Just wondering if anyone has any advice to help me get through this..

    #300103

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Nicole,

    I agree he should have told you before now, but don’t you think, with men especially, it’s a case of ‘out of sight, out of mind?’ It still doesn’t excuse the fact that he didn’t tell you though. But there might be a very good reason for him staying out of her life for so long. It could be that she has been prevented, until she came of age, from contacting him.

    I think this has triggered your own sense of abandonment for what your own father did to you. It’s good that your partner is meeting his daughter. He is trying to make things right. Try not to let your feelings, which are coming from a past hurt of your own, to colour your judgement and actions. Instead, try to stay calm and see what happens.

    Best wishes,

    Jay

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by  JayJay.
    #300109

    Raju
    Participant

    Dear Nicole,

    Its premature to say anything at this stage.  Its not clear from your post whether you both had shared your past to each other before starting living together.  Had the past of each other been discussed before getting together, then the point of daughter would have been revealed as well.  Non-disclosing of daughter issue by your partner could be due to the fear of losing you after getting known to this fact.  Anyway, it requires giving some amount of time and space to your partner or till the time he himself feels comfortable in talking to you on this issue.

    Best Wishes,

    Raju

    #300117

    Nicole
    Participant

    Thank you both. We had discussed our pasts in when we first started seeing each other and she was never brought up before this point. Now she is here to visit him. He wants to me to meet her too, but I’m just so upset by all of this I dont want to. I don’t want to ruin his visit with her, but I don’t want to be around this situation. Am I wrong to feel this way?

    #300119

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nicole,

    I think it’s a bit terrifying that you’ve been living with a man for a year and a half and you had no clue he had a daughter. I mean WHAT ELSE IS HE HIDING?? Even if this is his only backstory baggage, it shows that he could commit a murder, mail fraud, cheat on you, etc., etc., etc. and you would NEVER KNOW.

    For me, THAT was a deal breaker! I would move out.

    Honestly.

    Inky

    #300121

    Inky
    Participant

    P.S. No, don’t meet her!

    #300133

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nicole:

    When he told you about his past (“We had discussed our pasts in when we first started seeing each other”), what did he tell you?

    (The answer to this question may be very telling).

    anita

    #300205

    Nicole
    Participant

    I guess he left out the parts he didnt want to talk about.. after I found this out we had a long talk about what I’m assuming is everything he thought I needed to know. Now that she is here, he is not really taking how I feel into consideration anymore and is acting like I’m being the bad guy because I dont want to hang out with them.

    #300207

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nicole:

    Interesting, you posted that he is acting like you are “the bad guy” for not wanting to hang out with his daughter (and himself) for an hour or two while he is … not the bad guy for not wanting to hang out with her for 18 years.

    anita

    #300229

    Nicole
    Participant

    Very true..

    #300233

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nicole:

    You are in a tough situation, your own experience in regard to your father being activated, a shocking surprise at this revelation about your partner, after two years of a relationship, and 1.5 years of living together, plus his .. curiously light attitude on the matter of meeting his daughter for the first time in 18 years, as if it is an almost fun, casual event. If you were able to be calm and meet them, it would be an opportunity for you to learn a whole lot about your boyfriend. Problem is you aren’t likely to be calm enough to observe and listen effectively.

    Do you want to share what happened with your father, when you were five, any memories of him… or if you don’t want to share about that, what are you thinking of doing next… you still live with him, how is that going to work?

    anita

     

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