June 14, 2019 at 9:15 pm #299245
I recently reached out to an old friend who completely ignored me. I’m really upset about it for some reason. It may just be that I’m really bad at handling rejection. I also rarely reach out to other people, so it took a lot of courage for me to reach out to this person (even though reaching out is a normal activity most people can do seemingly easily.) I simply texted her asking if she wanted to get lunch sometime.
There’s a backstory with this friend (who I have posted about on here before). Back in December of 2017, this friend had sexual relations with our other friend’s boyfriend. It wasn’t a usual situation because she would have sex with the friend’s boyfriend secretly (sometimes while this friend was in the room sleeping). This caused all of my friends to completely ditch this friend. I don’t know if it was “justified” for all of us to ditch her. She did a very bad thing, but I feel it may have been a little harsh for her to become friendless. She was a very social girl who was apart of multiple friend groups. Every single friend group didn’t want to associate with her once they found out what happened.
I was friends with her for so long that it was hard for me to drop her as a friend. However, people were accusing me of supporting her horrible actions by trying to stay friends with her. I feel like I was the ONLY one who was hesitant to drop her as a friend. Everyone else dropped her instantly. At the same time, I was in an abusive relationship where my boyfriend kept me from seeing any of my friends. I was only able to see them in school as that was the only time he couldn’t completely monitor me. I could barely keep a close relationship with the friends I had, so it was extremely difficult to try to keep a close relationship with this specific friend after what happened. Despite this, I did try to reach out to her multiple times. I texted her twice after the incident to get dinner. We got dinner both times, but I wasn’t able to continue seeing her because of my boyfriend (at the time). He constantly needed to know where I was and I was very afraid of him. I wish I could have explained this to her while it was happening, but I was also very embarrassed and tried to make it seem like my relationship was “normal” and “healthy.” I kept the abuse a secret. However, I feel really bad for simply ditching her after we got dinner. She had no idea why I stopped talking to her but I just didn’t know how to tell her without admitting to the abuse. I was very weak during this time and am very sorry for hurting her. She texted me asking (afterwards) if we would continue being friends and I just didn’t answer.
I texted her a couple of times after that. For example, she would butt dial me and I texted her asking if she called me on purpose or accident. I was still with my ex and I wasn’t allowed to talk to her so I tried to at least text her over small things for that. Also, she texted my cousin in the summer and they agreed to hang out (although it never happened). She only knew my cousin through me. I thought that if she was open to being friends with my cousin, she probably didn’t have any harsh feelings towards me. In October 2018, I sent her a long apology text which she didn’t reply to. I apologized for not talking to her again after we got dinner. I tried to explain why I stopped talking to her without giving away the abuse. After that, I thought our friendship was over. I got out of the abusive relationship in November 2018.
My other friend named Sarah recently reached out to her for lunch. They met for lunch and talked about everything. They also agreed to hang out this summer as they would both be home from college. My friend even said that “she would be happy to be friends with all of us again” so I saw it as an opportunity to maybe reach out to her again. It seemed worth a shot. They met for lunch about 3 months ago and I texted her earlier today. She didn’t answer.
I don’t know why but it hurts me very badly. I understand the pain it caused her to lose all of her friends, but I was one of the only ones to attempt to reach out multiple times since the incident. In my brain, that is A LOT considering I wasn’t talking to/hanging out with anyone except my ex (except in school when I could talk to my friends at lunch. That was it). I don’t know. I understand that it is mostly my fault. Even though my situation was difficult, I could have tried way harder to preserve our friendship. It seemed as though I put absolutely no effort in at all, but I felt so trapped in the relationship. I was scared to reach out to ANYONE yet I still tried reaching out to her. I wish she could just understand that. It is my own fault for ditching her without giving an explanation. I was weak to try to hide the abuse.
What should I do. Give up? What are your opinions. Any advice on how to get over this? She was my very very good friend for years. I thought we were the closest out of everyone. Plus, I was the only one to reach out to her a couple of times until Sarah did only 3 months ago. Why did she ignore me… I’m really depressed about it although I understand I am to blame.June 15, 2019 at 2:14 am #299255JayJayParticipant
Before you go jumping to conclusions, give her a little time to reply. She could be ill, her phone could need charging, she could be busy or on holiday, or simply with another friend. She could even be in an abusive relationship and not able to reply, just like you were…
She might not be ignoring you, but simply hasn’t had the time to reply yet.
I hope that eventually you can get back together and be friends again.
JayJune 15, 2019 at 6:02 am #299277LaraParticipant
I agree with Jay Jay, there are all kinds of reasons why she didn’t answer yet. Maybe she is still thinking about what to write.
“She was my very very good friend for years. ” since you were close to her, your rejection might have hurt her more than that of Sarah. If Sarah wasn’t that close, well she was just one of many but to loose a very good friend over this, well that’s worse and she might be more reluctant to see you again.
You made the first step towards her, how about leaving this for a while, she if she comes around. From your post I have a feeling that her reply is so important to you that you got ” really depressed about it” is that there is more to this.I am wondering: do you feel isolated yourself right now and getting back with your friend seems to you to be the only way to make friends with someone again? This is only a guess, its only that I wonder why now after breaking off your abusive relationship with your ex in 2018, this is so important.
June 15, 2019 at 9:40 am #299299InkyParticipant
- This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Lara.
Didn’t you write that she had texted you asking if you could continue being friends… and you ignored her?
The girl made one mistake and everyone dropped her. Even, seemingly, you.
Some time has passed, but she could still be very defensive and feels judged by the world. She also associates you with that group, her mistake, and that time in her life. Her distance is her giving herself a little bit of dignity.
Give it time.
InkyJune 15, 2019 at 1:11 pm #299319
Maybe you are right. She posted a picture on Instagram on vacation. So, I know she saw my text but maybe she didn’t answer because she is on vacation?June 15, 2019 at 1:14 pm #299321
I’m not sure why it is so important now. I think it is because now, after all this time, I am finally gaining my sense of self back and I am no longer busy with college maybe. I have been home from college for a month and am no longer dating my ex. Those two things were the only things keeping me from reaching out again.
June 15, 2019 at 1:16 pm #299325
- This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Katie.
That is what I am thinking too. I’m just scared she will never want to be friends again. But it hurts my feelings that she talks to Sarah (she was equally close to me and Sarah, she was friends with Sarah longer because of elementary school but we had a stronger friendship for longer). I’m just confused.June 16, 2019 at 1:47 am #299347lostcatladyParticipant
Katie, I read your entire post very quickly, so I might have misunderstood, but it seems that you never got round to telling her that your abusive relationship was the reason that you couldn’t reach out to her? I understand this may be something that you find difficult to talk about, but I think that if your friend had been very disappointed and hurt by you, but she found out that the reason was because you were in a very difficult bind yourself, she would be much more understanding and forgiving.
If she still doesn’t respond to you for some days after today, and you’re really bothered about it and worried that she is still angry with you, then I think that if you can bring yourself to share about your abusive relationship with her, that could help to break down the distance she has created between the both of you. There is nothing shameful about being trapped in an abusive relationship. Never let anyone shame you or call you weak for that. You got out of the relationship. You’re a survivor and you should be proud of that.
Alternatively, you could tell her that you faced some personal challenges that kept you away from your social life and if she’d accept your friendship again, you will tell her about it in time. If she is a very good friend, I think you could trust her with this.
I wish you the best and hope you can reconcile with your friend. I am in a similar situation myself. I distanced myself from my best friend because of my depression and low self-esteem, and she is angry with me because she felt that I was not there for her when she needed me, when the truth is I felt inadequate for her which is why I kept away. I explained to her the first time but she didn’t accept it, because I wasn’t completely honest due to not even being able to understand myself back then. I am thinking of reaching out to her again.
June 16, 2019 at 8:02 pm #299391
- This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by lostcatlady.
Thank you for the advice. It’s nice to hear that I am not the only one in this type of situation. Let me know what happens if you reach out to her.