Forum Replies Created
January 9, 2019 at 6:38 am #273371
I am sorry that you have to go through this. I have been where you are in terms of depression and anxiety.
You wrote that you read a lot of books and tried medication, therapy, CBT. I am guessing that you tried much more beyond that, so while I really want to give you advice based on what worked for me, I understand it might not be helpful for you.
I wonder – how long have you been in therapy? Can you put your finger on why it might not have worked?
You asked “What is the point in staying alive, when you’re suffering so much?” When your brain is constantly in Burnout and fight or flight mode, its really difficult to enjoy life. For me it was like a heavy blanket on my brain and body. Hard to come up with big plans to change your life then, isn’t it? But what about the small things? When was the last time you did something nice just for yourself? Drank a nice cup of cocoa (or something else) in a park cafe? Visited a new restaurant? Read a fun book? Go for a walk for a few minutes or longer? Maybe fun for you is something else (sports? Cinema?), but I challenge you to try to do at least one nice thing just for you every day. You can, but don’t have to, take a friend. Often its much easier just to go by oneself. Maybe some things will turn out not to be fun after all, but that is fine. You can mark those down as experiences and try something else the next day.January 2, 2019 at 2:46 am #271963
I noticed that this was your first post here, so welcome to the forum and thank you for taking the time to register and post here!
Your post resonnated a lot with me, I am sorry that you had to go through this but it was good to hear someone else also knows what it feels like to be in this situation, and that its sometimes not as easy as “just going to the doctor”. I totally see where you are coming from when you wrote ” Which really means modify my life and who I am — quite a terrifying thought! “. I thought something similar “some time ago I could still go jogging and suddenly I can’t even run to catch the train? Where does that leave me? No sports anymore?” And that reaction of your doctor on refusing the steriods – totally strange. Yes even if the pain wasn’t as bad yet that you would take drugs, doesn’t mean that it isn’t bad or a problem. Asking for an MRI from that same doctor who ridiculed you (or any doctor) must have taken some guts!
Your way of dealing with this afterwards, gathering information, looking for other doctors who would do the surgery – that is a inspiration. I hope I can do the same once I have more info through the MRI.January 2, 2019 at 2:23 am #271959
And Anita, you are right, my inner critic doesn’t have a medical degree! Thats a good point, but somehow he also got backup from outside sources. My mother at one point (and don’t remeber when) said “well your father (doctor) allways said knees never heal”. Even back then I tried not too give this too much credit, but it rhymed in my language, so it sticked. And then there was a doctor that I saw about a cold after the swimming incident and asked for advice and she said “well those orthopedic doctors usually don’t help much”. I tried not to google knee topics too much to not get more input like this.
Edit: Also I just reread my last post “I am not a shy person who never asks for stuff” is maybe not true, it can be difficult in many cases, to the point that I usually widdle my way around asking. I guess what I wanted to say instead was that I and not an innocent wallflower.
January 2, 2019 at 2:11 am #271957
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by Lara.
Hello, I am back from the doctors. It was the same one I saw last time I went. I told him how the knee had hurt again and again and he examined the knee again, this time there was an angle that hurt and he said since this had gone on for so long it was time for an MRI without me even bringing it up myself. I didn’t mention the fall this time either, there was no good time to bring it up exept maybe right at the start, it all went so fast after that. So I have a bit of a bad conscience but I am also very glad that things are moving forward, even if only to get a diagnosis. Maybe in the future it will still be necessary to come clean and I can say something like “yeah I fell at some point in the past, but I thought it wasn’t so bad” ?
Anita, thank you for your reply here. It may sound strange but your new years wishes really moved me. I had felt a bit arrogant to say “I want an MRI” and there you are, wishing that for me. And as I turned out, I didn’t even have to fight for it, all I had to do was show up. You are right, my critic was in the way here.
I think its also a reluctance to be a bother to people. I am not a shy person who never asks for stuff (not at all) but somehow going to a doctor or other authority figure and say “I need X” and keep nagging until I get “X” is difficult for me. And in some cases I also look down on others who don’t have any problems in that aspect, e.g. customers that I work with. I know I shouldn’t but something about it just really gets to me, maybe its because I don’t have the guts to do the same thing.January 2, 2019 at 1:34 am #271955
thank you for your replies! I am sorry that I didn’t answer you last time, my time at the library was up when I finished my reply to Annie and I though I would just wait for another round – but when I looked up a lot of people were waiting for their turns at the PCs, maybe because it was saturday. The library was closing soon so I left without even writing a note, sorry.
I thought about what you wrote, my inner critic is not as angry as you wrote it I think, not as loud (exept in extreme cases) but that doesn’t make your observation less valid, maybe even more so. Because if you hadn’t put it in these words, maybe I would have said well its not that bad. I think through the years I got to a point where a lot of things that would have drove me mad before just don’t anymore, but I see now that the inner critic is still at work in other places. Maybe its time to start working on the inner critic again, I have a good book with strategies that I will look into again but also post here when I can’t get any further (often the inner critic seems to have very valid points).
I want to say more on this but somehow I can’t put it into words. I will leave this for another day for now.December 29, 2018 at 6:57 am #271359
as I said Coprolalia does go in the right direction, but for those with Coprolalia the involuntary aspect seems to be much stronger to me than what I do. I don’t swear or shout in public, for example (with a very few exeptions). But then these disorders often have a spectrum and maybe I am on a lower spectrum?
Keeping a log is difficult since I end up thinking “where to write it down”? I would never use my smartphone for that since I don’t trust google. Using a notebook there might be a chance of someone seeing it.
But I can say that its happing more when I am agitated or thinking about old stuff. Recently there was this event of I group I am part of, it went very well the whole evening, I even made two announcements without shivering in fear. They were not very well put but it didn’t matter and everyone was smiling. Things went south only afterwards. We needed to leave this place at a certain time though people might have wanted to stay longer, so beeing part of leadership I said well don’t stress yourselfs but we need to get going. And they did they were really wonderful, packing everything up. But in the end there was a moment where everyone was still standing around and then looking at me for some reason and I was like “well off you go” with a slight military tone (half joke). And they did, but five minutes later I thought “yeah or you could have said Merry christmas and see you next year”. I was really down then worrying what people are thinking of me beeing so unfriendly. And then later I realized that we might not have needed to hurry so much. I spend the whole way back and the next day agonozing and shouting stuff. Was really tough and I think my brain was just burned out from all the socialisation and stress from acting “wrong”.
November 24, 2018 at 5:57 am #248321
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by Lara.
Dear Annie, I am running out of time for today so for now I would just like to say thank you for looking into this again for me, Coprolaila does seem to go in the right directly, I would like to answer you in more detail next time I am online here.November 24, 2018 at 5:53 am #248319
time really does fly by, sorry.
Dear anita, about your first question, “what beliefs were those”. From my mothers side I would say “The world is bad” . Tell her about something that happened to you on any day, I don’t have a good expample right now but lets say “And then there was this lady and she said ‘x'” where “x” for me was something strange but funny. My mother would automatically be angry and say “how could she say something like that to you! ” allways assuming the worst of people, not getting the fine nuances. It was allways a struggle to defend my view against hers. And then there were the times when I would say something she disagreed with, I don’t have an example there but I certainly remember the disgusted look she gave me, like I was the worst person on the planet. She changed for the better though, through theraphy that is why I wrote ” I would rather have to go on no contact from myself” if I wanted to get away from the thoughts.
As for my father I thought about it but I think I was wrong, it wasn’t ingrained fear there. More of a feeling of not beeing good enough, though he would never admit to it or maybe doesn’t even understand. But not in the cliche TV-Show way, more subtile like I would tell him about something nice I did and he might say “thats nice” and then say how (a) that might have been done better or (b) how really this is not so difficult to do or (c) how cousin X just became proffessor. Super exhausting. Also the same for the future Me:”I will do X” Father: “ah thats nice (a) but shouldn’t you rather do y?” or (b) “Cousin X is studying now while beeing a prof” (I kid you not on this one) or (c) switching to a totally different topic. Its not as bad as it sounds sometimes he was genuinly interested, but I learned to keep special things to myself so they wouldn’t be tainted/ belittled by these kind of comments.
I don’t know I feel I am rambling a bit, sorry.November 17, 2018 at 6:51 am #238173
I used to play Online-RPGs as well when I was young or hide in books. For a while an online game was the only place where I had friends and felt valued, and even though all that lvling did waist a lot of my time it was still better than sitting in my room beeing fully isolated. I am not sure if you play interactive online games or PC games without other people, but for either I can understand the appeal.
“I’ve been told I’m just whiny, weak, lazy, have attitude problem, have ego/pride problem, just making excuses, i have to grow up and so on.”
Those are pretty harsh words. I remember hearing similar things and feeling worthless, like I would never find a job (and how could I, sitting in my room playing MMRPGs?) or connect with real people. How did it make you feel?
I have more thoughts on this but for today I am running out of time. If you don’t mind I would like to ask what your current situation is. Are you studying? Working? Living with your parents or on your own? How do you interact with others nowadays? If you don’t want to answer some or all of these questions, I understand.November 17, 2018 at 6:25 am #238163
this is also an issue for me. I used to be depressed full time when I was younger, through therapy, medicine and working on myself it got better. But then I noticed how once a month all that work seemingly would go down the drain and there I was, throwing a temper fit because of some stupid reason or wallowing in the same old regrets and depressive thoughts I had hoped to leave behind. This is still an ongoing issue for me but I manage it a bit better now.
Some things that I would suggest:
– go to the doctor and have your iron levels checked. Iron deficiency and PMS make for a bad combination, and its something that is so low key that you might not notice it even if you have severe iron deficit
– Pamper yourself during the PMS time. Nice food, long walks, enough sleep (here also good iron levels can help at least for me)
– Cut back on anything stressful, reduce your workload if you can and do one thing after another
– mark in a calender when your period starts / ends. When I feel exeptionally moody without good reason I check the calender and see “ah, only six more days until my period probably starts, time to be especially kind to myself”November 17, 2018 at 6:12 am #238157
your cousins behavior strikes me as very strange. How is your nose her business? Does she want to become a surgeon one day?Basically she tells you that you are not good enough again and again. Not a nice person to have contact with, is she? How is your relationship with her otherwise, do you talk/ meet often? Did you ask her to stop talking / obsessing about your nose? How did she react?
Also some weeks ago there was a thread here about nose jobs gone wrong. I am not pro/against beauty surgery, its allways the individual that decides. But this is an example of how things can go badly, I am sure lightsource won’t mind that I share the link here. https://tinybuddha.com/topic/nose-surgery/August 28, 2018 at 10:21 am #223425
Dear Angie, you are the first person I met who actually has the same problem. Thank you for sharing this here as well!
” Nobody, under any circumstance, appreciates hearing, “Just kill yourself”. Indeed, they don’t! “You are the worst” also doesn’t really go over well for some reason.
A verbal form of selfharm, yes that sounds about right. Though no matter how often I say to myself “you are a bad person” I don’t really believe it, you know what I mean? But I often wonder if it doesn’t become more real with repetition.
You have allready found a bunch of interesting ways to deal with this! I think I will try that out, thank you.
Yes, I often feel not good enough. Not good enough at social interactions, not getting far in life though I had so many possibilties, not having many friends etc. Sometimes I manage to turn this around and say “hey I had all this depression and fear going and still manage to do ….” though.
Your suggestion about thinking about people I admire is totally new to me, I will have to think about that one.August 28, 2018 at 9:50 am #223421
wow, that is one very specific trigger! I am sorry that you have such a mother, but I am glad you are doing so much better and that you share all that you learned with people in this forum. This forum is such a beacon for people because of people like you. I don’t know any other forum where I could have shared this problem with others and feel understood.
For me I think the fear and negative thoughts come from within. Yes, in a way the fear originated from my parents, they ingrained certain beliefs in me not because they are vicious but I think because they didn’t know any better. Nowadays I see that more clearly and I recognize when they act a certain way. So they are still a trigger of anger sometimes, but I can (often) seperate myself from that because I know they are not out to attack me or put me down (like your mother probably did, right?) . So going no contact in this case wouldn’t help, I would rather have to go on no contact from myself somehow if that were possible.August 28, 2018 at 9:40 am #223419
Dear Annie Moussu,
thank you, this is actually the first time that someone said he knows people with this particular problem. I knew of course that I was very unlikely to be the only one, but it was so difficult to find anything on this. Its very interesting to know
I guess you just pretended this didn’t happen when you overheard your friends? Frankly for me that would have been the best reaction of all if I had been your friend, simply not knowing that you overheard me, not having to worry that you think I am weird and need to be avoided.
Very luckily I don’t live in constant fear anymore, but I did in the past. Yes, it’s well possible that this habit originated from fear.
I have not yet tried to keep a journal. Maybe that would be a good thing to try. I am worried though that someone would find it somehow, but maybe I can just make sure noone will, taking good care. Thank you, this is a good suggestion.
When I read about OCD on Wikipedia for example, this just doesn’t really fit. Maybe compulsions “act compulsively so as to mitigate the anxiety that stems from particular obsessive thoughts” but I don’t say it for hours and speech is hardly mentioned in the article. But I am not a doctor.
I have been in therapy before and it can be helpful indeed. But I don’t want to start from zero again telling my lifestory, its exhausting (even though there aren’t any mayor trauma). I am not even sure a theraphist can help in this case.August 28, 2018 at 9:15 am #223409
sorry that I get back to you and everyone so late. I can only post from the library but didn’t make it there recently.
Indeed, “I hate you” is allways meant towards me, though it should actually be “I hate me” then. Kind of like distancing myself from myself maybe?
You theory sounds very true. When I was suffering from depression I remember how I would feel the fear in my whole body, especially my arms for some reason, it was nearly painful sometimes. Yes, definitely energy without an outlet. It makes sense then, that the energy would find an outlet this way as you say. In the past years my mood has improved a lot through therapy, I also tried various sports so there was an energy-outlet there. Sometimes I have set backs, I guess with depression there is allways that risk. But it got better overall.
Did you find a way to deal better with blurting out stuff to strangers and with Tourette and OCD?