August 17, 2019 at 3:32 am #308331
My truth is that I am really lonely.
My days are filled with work, then I come home watch netflix or listen to audiobooks, surf the internet, repeat. Sometimes going shopping. I meet people at choir once a week and I think I can say I am well liked there, but they are not my friends outside of the choir. I also get along with most of my coworkers, but most are in another country. There is no one I can just call and say “hey lets hang out”.
Sometimes I make plans. I will go out more. I will go to meetups. I will try to meet someone once a week. I will join bicycle tours. It’s usually is a good plan, but it doesn’t happen. I also don’t see this leading to lasting friendships, though objectively I do know that I gotta start somewhere.
These days I met my sister and her son. My nephew is a really great young man, I would take a bullet for him. But I also find myself jealous of him. Not in a fierce, angry way but more in a slow sad way, a”why could I not be like that”- kinda way. When you are around him you see how open he is, allways talking to people, asking questions, making plans. And I think its not magic, just a normal person beeing curious and friendly, and why could I never be like that? What could my life have been like? It’s exhausting to be around that and wittness that and having these thoughts.August 17, 2019 at 5:59 am #308337
I assume you are posting this because you are asking for help. In order to understand what sort of help you need, I need to find out more about you and your background.
You did not say how old you are and whether or not you live on your own. Are you a social anxious person? A highly sensitive person? A shy person? An introvert?
Is this lack of having friends a recent phenomenon? You had friends when you were younger?
It sounds like you are approaching your dilemma the right way, i.e. participating in choir, going to Meetups, joining bicycling tours, etc.
Can you pinpoint what is keeping you from creating friendships? Do you have acquaintances, i.e. people you can be friendly with and do things with on occasion?
MarkAugust 17, 2019 at 9:25 am #308363
Welcome back. I will not be surprised if your loneliness (and not being open, “always talking to people, asking questions, making plans.. being curious and friendly”, like your nephew) is related to your mother repeatedly expressing to you that people have bad intentions, that they are hostile, not to be trusted. What do you think?
anitaAugust 17, 2019 at 3:10 pm #308393
I’m sorry you feel lonely.
The feeling of loneliness, if perceived as a negative, can be a source of sadness.
But it can also be a pleasant condition, especially if it is not absolute.
Each of us has our own character, some people are extrovert and feel at ease with others, some are introverts and need more quiet.
From what you write, you have good relations with all the people you frequent, and this seems important to me.
Correct me if I misunderstood, but do I seem to sense that you feel the lack of closer friendships?
Perhaps, if this is the problem, you might consider trying to gradually establish a bond with a small group of people, even just one or two initially.
Maybe in this way you could try to identify people who may have an affinity with you, because sometimes trying to interact with large groups can be more difficult.August 19, 2019 at 7:46 am #308545
I hope you feel better by sharing your truth. As much as you love your nephew, you shouldn’t be comparing yourself with him. You should just be thankful that he is in your life with such a wonderful personality. The truth is that people won’t come looking for you. You have to be prepared to at least meet them half way. Join a group that centers around a hobby that you really enjoy and you will automatically have a connection. You don’t know whether you or not you will have lasting friendships from such groups but at least there will be one day a week when you are not feeling ‘lonely’.
PeggySeptember 10, 2019 at 10:20 am #311309
Hello all, thank you for your replies. I had some issues at work and it stressed me out, so I didn’t have the energy left to go to the library to reply, sorry for the late reply. The one time I managed to get to the library and write a long post, it was deleted when I klicked the wrong button – I was tired and went home. To explain myself: I only post from the library in this forum, it’s the most annonymous way I know. I shared things here that I haven’t shared with anyone else, that I could only share because I feel safe knowing that I did everything to make sure that the chance of this being connected my real life self is minimal.
Mark, thank you for your reply. I live with my mother, its the cheapest option in my city and also it gives me a feeling of safety. I lived alone as a student and that is associated with depression for me. I would like to try living alone again in the future, but not right now. I am an introvert, I can be shy but I can also be the one indignatly hollering after a bicycle rider who drove straigth through a crowd of pedestrians – doesn’t sound very shy, does it? So it’s on and off.
I had friends in the past, but it was difficult for me to really connect. Part of it was me not having the right social skills and being anxious, and I believe in high school part was also that my iron deficit was so high it was difficult to function. I was constantly tired without knowing why. In university I had good friends, but lost two because of depression. Still there were movie nights, visits to the cinema, board game nights, I was pretty lucky that I had one special friend and another one invited me to his get togethers. Also, even though it was frightening, I went out to experience things like joining a student association and choir.
> Can you pinpoint what is keeping you from creating friendships?
I think its because of different reasons. One is certainly still a lack of skills on friendmaking. I once passed a playground, and one child shouted to another: “wanna be friends?” and that was that, they were friends. Amazing. I could not do that, the fear of beeing rejected is strong. Which reminds me I did just that in elementary school, wrote a note to a girl “wanna be friends” and got a “no you are fat” in reply, though it probably wasn’t from her, but from some guys.
Then there is the fact I don’t use social media, not even Whatsapp. But I believe staying in touch with people might be easier if I did, its just that I don’t want this kind of surveilance software on my phone, nor give all my phone contacts to Whatsapp. Yes, I might be a bit paranoid. I am thinking about getting a separate phone for this kind of stuff though.
I have aquaintances at my choir, one in particular that I go to the movies with. But I am not sure that she really likes me, maybe I am more of a charity case for here.
September 10, 2019 at 10:31 am #311321
- This reply was modified 3 months ago by Lara.
I think you are right in a sense. I believe a parent helps a child to reflect on what happened, for example at school, and find a solution. But in this case, concerning interaction with other pupils, her advise usually wasn’t very helpful. My sister certainly was able to give better advise to my nephew.
Still my mother is only part of the puzzle in this case. Other children would have developed better in this environment, my siblings certainly did.September 10, 2019 at 10:38 am #311325
thank you, I agree that it can also be good to be alone at times, for myself I know that I need time to recharge alone regulary.
You are right, its a lack of closer friendships. I would like to have friends that I could just message “hey what about a movie on thursday?” people to celebrate birthdays with (don’t get me wrong, I celebrate with my family, so not alone in that aspect) or to meet to cook and chat together. I don’t know how to get there. Sometimes I try and make stupid mistakes, so I am a bit tired of trying, too.September 10, 2019 at 10:42 am #311327
I will try this out with a new hobby. But its a big group that changes constantly, not exactly in my neighborhood (but near my work) so not sure how that will work out in terms of making “deeper” connections. I am living in a big city, but somehow it’s more difficult to connect than at the time when I lived in a smaller city.September 10, 2019 at 11:38 am #311355
It makes sense that you “might be a bit paranoid” regarding WhatsApp and/ or going to the library so to keep this communication here away from your personal computer. It makes sense tome because of what you shared last year I think it was: “my mother.. always assuming the worst of people”. So you too assume that people will try to hurt you if they (whomever they may be) find out that you are posting here.
You wrote in your recent post to me: “Other children would have developed better in this environment, my siblings certainly did”- I claim the following: no child experiencing the same childhood as you did, would be less anxious, or less lonely as you have become.
Your siblings had a bit of a different childhood (time of birth, changing circumstances over time). What makes siblings seem so different even though all grew up in the same household is that they take different roles (they adjust to the household in different ways)- the submissive role, the rebel, the introvert, the extrovert, but all siblings in an abusive or dysfunctional household suffer.
The suffering of different siblings appear differently and their function in any one particular area of life is often better than that of another sibling. For example: a sibling may be successful in the career area but dysfunctional in the relationship area.