Lonely & Afraid of Pain

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    I’m afraid of pain.

    I hate this fear that I have. I feel like as humans we are so precious and so vulnerable, our lives can change this instant! We could see the most disgusting parts of the world, we can suffer and see our loved ones suffer with us. I think this world is a disgusting place, but at the same time, it’s so beautiful. I don’t want to consider myself to be an optimist, but I want to be able to see the world for its beauty, not its pain. I know pain is unavoidable, I know my loved ones will have to pass away eventually. Death is a part of life, and pain and beauty go hand in hand.

    I’ve already been through a lot, growing up I’ve experienced a lot of pain and misery. I’m only 17, I want to be able to live the rest of my life seeing the good things and accepting the bad. But I’m so afraid, I cannot even explain how these thoughts keep me up at night. I cannot explain all the nights I’ve spent crying and wondering about my existence. I’ve suffered from dissociation and identity issues and although I have recovered a bit, I’m still so afraid I’ll have to experience that all over again. I don’t want to die yet. Not yet. I don’t want to suffer this much.

    I am constantly battling the thoughts in my mind, my mind is my greatest enemy. This is why I’ve never been able to fully be at peace with myself. I need a distraction, I need someone there with me at all times or I’ll be lonely. I haven’t been able to fully love myself, but I’ve been able to love others. This is something I need to figure out on my own but I’m not sure how!

    How can I be less alone and accept myself for who I am?

    How can I accept that I’ll have to constantly experience pain and that it is simply just a part of life? 

    Thank you.



    Hi honey,

    You’re thinking too much! That’s all it is. I don’t want to minimize what you’re going through, but if you shut off your mind and become more “Zen” you might be happier!

    Life is beautiful. And yet people suck. Counteract that by being around good people and being good to yourself. We only have 100 years on this planet if we’re lucky. Might as well enjoy it!

    If you suffer, it’s usually a mental thing. Read more books on Buddhism and Zen.

    If you are actually suffering, they will give you drugs. One for pain, one for anxiety.

    All the Best,



    Hi Inky,

    I agree I am overthinking a lot. I tend to do that, I’m not sure how to control my thoughts. I am also suffering, which is why I have been given medication. But medication can only help so much, I’m not sure what to do with the thoughts inside of my head.

    How can I help myself become more “Zen” and learn to control my thoughts?


    Hi Again!

    I would find a spiritual advisor (church/Buddhist/temple/etc.) and practice walking/meditation/yoga to get you back into your body. Also up my reading on spiritual texts of your choice.

    Getting lost in a Netflix series, writing, visiting a shelter and holding the animals have all helped me as well.

    Good Luck!!



    Dear honey:

    “my mind is my greatest enemy… I need a distraction”- healthy distractions such as reading an interesting book, listening to relaxing music, taking a walk outside, engaging with other people in a healthy way, all these are excellent distractions. But there is no way that you can distract yourself 24/7, or all your waking hours, from an enemy that lives in your head, aka your brain.

    1. “How can I be less alone and accept myself for who I am?”- befriend your brain. The reason your  brain is thinking so much is because it is trying to find a solution or solutions to what causes you all this suffering. Its overthinking is its effort to help you.

    This part of your brain that overthinks in its effort to help you, needs your help. It needs the help of a different part of your brain, a part that will calm and talk sense to the overthinking part of the brain. I’ll call it the Calming Part of the Brain (CPB, for short).

    When you find yourself awake at night overthinking, go to the CPB, that is where you can learn over time to “fully be at peace with (yourself)”. Let your CPB tell your overthinking brain that all that overthinking is not helping at all, it just causes you more distress and more suffering.

    Develop your CPB, have a list of calming thoughts ready there and calming visualizations as well, words and images that calm you personally. Go there every time you find yourself overthinking and distressed.

    2. “How can I accept that I’ll have to constantly experience pain and that it is simply just a part of life?”- First, you will not have to constantly experience pain, you already don’t experience pain all the time. Second, the pain that you are experiencing in the present is the same pain that you already experienced in the past (“I’ve already been through a lot, growing up I’ve experienced a lot of pain and misery”). We humans keep experiencing our past until we are able to experience something new.

    Let me know if what I wrote to you makes sense to you, and if you want, we can continue to communicate.



    Dear honey,

    sorry that you have to go through this. Pain no matter if physically or mentally is distressing. I learned this when I had problems with my knees, I thought it would never ever get better, only worse. My brain told me all kinds of stories how I would not be able to keep a job because of the pain, never be able to do certain things again etc. But it did get better, even if not perfect.

    I would look into what you can do to make the pain better (nutrition, walks in nature, sports?). And also if a different doctor can give you more advice, if you feel the meds are not working well. Your current medication might even be the cause of your mental distress as a side effect.

    For the negative thoughts I reccomend looking into ways to deal with them, for example cognitive behavior theraphy. Or if you can’t afford theraphy, David Burns wrote a good book called “Feeling good: the new mood theraphy”. It explains well how you can write down your thoughts and reflect on them, maybe you can find it at your local library.

    Also take one moment at a time, you don’t need to solve everything today.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Lara.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by Lara.

    Hi there,

    I hope this post meets you in good health.

    The fact that you have so much empathy says a lot, you’re most likely a good person. That being said, you came into this world not of your own choice, so, you’re not responsible for the actions of others or what happens in the world. Overthinking about it will change nothing because neither you or anyone has control over life itself.

    Loneliness is a part of life, but doesn’t have to be so intense and consistent.  Therefore,  try focusing on your life, things that make you happy,  put a smile on your face. Try learning new stuff,  going places, meeting new people and reconnecting with relatives. And best, pick up your bags, book a flight to another country, experience new cultures and make friends.

    It is your life at the end of the day and only you have control over it. Leave the world to its own problems,  eventually,  things will change for the better,  or not. Nothing we can do about it.

    Death is the end game for anything that breathes on this earth. It is inevitable. The first step to healing is acceptance.

    Best wishes!

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