January 20, 2020 at 10:09 am #334321LaraParticipant
thank you for getting back to me about my question. Your original question, the title of your thread was “Am I too sensitive? Being blocked on Facebook?” Looking at all you wrote I don’t think so, but.
I think you have been lonely at college, and it hurts being lonely. Feeling excluded is very tough on social animals like us humans. It’s a cliché but true that thousands of years ago being excluded from a group meant mortal danger and our body still reacts accordingly. I would also assume that this wasn’t how you expected college to be like. So here is facebook guy, having it all with his group of close friends, posting about how he cares for people and at the same time treating you like this! How frustrating! So you lashed out, “do you realize you treat people like shit?” I think it wasn’t facebook guy in particular. It was him, his friends, your roommate, her friend club girl and all the other people who for some reason or another ignored you. You had enough and decided to take a stand. Which is great: no more just taking it, you were taking a stand, calling him out with (and here I am making an assumption) maybe also a vague idea of renegotiating the relationship “you say you care for people, why not –ME-?” makes sense to me. The thing is he too is a person, with a right to accept and reject people as he sees fit for himself. He can even avoid people he doesn’t feel comfortable with for some reason. And suddenly you realize you “made this 10x worse” for yourself. So taking a stand this time didn’t work. I would chalk it up to a learning experience. The intention was good (not taking everything) but maybe the approach can be improved upon. You could think about what you would do different in a similar situation. Once you are done with that, no more staying awake about this.
In the meanwhile the situation changed and maybe facebook guy is not so important anymore anyway. You wrote ”well, now what?” I would say take one step after another, nothing else to do. Figure it out one after another. Do you already have some plans?
As for therapy, I had those ”well, now what?” times too. Traditional talk therapy for me was all about talking about the past and it got me a bit further, but didn’t help in the present much. It was only with Cognitive behavioral therapy that I got real hands-on advice for the present, and that’s what I would advise for you too. Also different therapist can vary in quality and how they fit with different clients.
Full disclosure: I have my own thread on loneliness here, so when I give advice I feel a bit like a hypocrite. But thought I would write down my thoughts anyway.January 24, 2020 at 10:09 am #334888
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. This is the first free moment I’ve had all week.
I just now finished reading the updates to your thread and am once again amazed at the beautiful ways TB members offer sincere support. Lara’s wise and compassionate post above is worth more than one read. Anita has offered to be a calm, patient motherly-type figure to you. Exo’s “now is the time to thank this experience…” rings so true to me, and Inky gave you honest, practical advice, as she always does here.
Upon reading your answers to my questions I’ve learned that you are no longer in college, are experiencing a recent breakup, and have had trouble making friends since you were young. (It seems you didn’t perform academically in college and that’s why you are no longer enrolled.)
What I’ve learned about friendships is that there needs to be reciprocity involved. In other words, a friendship can’t be one-sided; both players need to benefit from it. For example, if you and I are friends we are providing value to each other, and there’s mutual respect within our friendship.
How do you get there? First, you need to understand who you are. What are your goals, values, and interests?
Do you see yourself having a rewarding career in the future, one that allows you to support yourself financially and feel good about your capabilities? If so, focus on something you like, figure out how to make a living from it, and decide to get there. Make a commitment that one day you’ll be an expert at that one thing, that you’ll be the one others will come to when they need help or advice on that topic. If you have the opportunity to get an education, don’t allow anything to distract you from your academic goals. Keep your focus. Each morning decide that you will stay present in sticking to your plan, that you will work hard to improve yourself that particular day. Don’t allow potential obstacles to derail you. It all starts with one decision.
What are your values? When I think of my values I think of the things that make me feel good about myself. Do you cheat on assignments? Do you talk about others behind their backs? Do you mind your own business or ask awkward, passive-aggressive questions that put others on the defensive? When living with others, do you do your part to keep your place clean? Are you thoughtful or selfish? If you live alone, do you clean up after yourself and stay organized? Do you drink too much alcohol or use drugs? Do you flirt with other girls’ boyfriends? Decide what your values are and then stick to them no matter what anyone else is doing. Your values are nonnegotiable.
What are your interests? If you like art, do you make time to paint/draw/etc? If you like reading, are you finding interesting books? If you want to be physically fit, are you eating right and exercising daily? If you like movies, do you treat yourself to one every now and then. If you like nature, do you get out, take walks or ride a bike often?
When trying to make friends, don’t be a chameleon who changes her colors to make others like her. Be yourself no matter what. Be true to you. Stick with your own unique set of goals, values, and interests, and then watch what happens. My prediction is that you’ll become less needy, and when that happens, others will become more attracted to you. People are attracted to goal-oriented people with strong values and their own interests and hobbies. It’s a byproduct of getting your life on track.
Be a good person who is happy and focused. Those qualities are highly valuable in friendships.
BFebruary 7, 2020 at 12:05 pm #337046
I am sorry, I get to a point with these posts I make where I feel so ashamed of them that it becomes painful to return to them and see what people are saying to me. I feel very stupid and ashamed, and although many of you have been kind and dedicated to responding to me, it is still somehow painful for me to see. I guess I do not like reflecting on how stupid I am, and there is not much anyone can do or say to help me feel differently. I would delete this thread if I could and I am very sorry to you all if I have wasted your time. But also thank you, you all seem to be kind and caring people who want to help and I appreciate that that is present in this forum community.
-JanineFebruary 7, 2020 at 12:45 pm #337050
“I guess I do not like reflecting on how stupid I am, and there is not much anyone can do or say to help me feel differently”- I agree: there is not much I can say to make you feel differently. But as a former stupid person (meaning my thinking did not fit reality), I will be happy to share with you what I learned so to help you fit your thinking to reality.
What I italicized above is something that I can help you with.
Once your thinking changes to fit reality, and the dust involved in this change settles, you will feel better.
Don’t give up on yourself, Janine, don’t withdraw because this is difficult.
anitaFebruary 7, 2020 at 1:26 pm #337054
You haven’t wasted my time, and there’s nothing to feel ashamed of.
When our goals are fuzzy and we find ourselves floating through life, we look for validation from others, and when we don’t get it we feel like failures. But when we’re motivated and inspired by our own personal dreams, working toward our own goals, we care less about what others think. By staying focused, making a little progress each day, we feel good about ourselves.
What are your goals? What are your dreams? Write them down.
When you wake each morning, decide on one thing that you will do that day to get closer to achieving one goal. Just one thing, and then commit to doing that one thing that day. When you go to sleep that night, you’ll feel better about yourself.
If you do this regularly, it will become a habit. It will change your life. You’ll see.
It feels good to be committed to achieving a goal. Try it. I believe in you, Janine.
BFebruary 7, 2020 at 5:02 pm #337064
I am curious what you mean about thinking fitting reality. I am not sure how to do that or what it would mean to do it.February 7, 2020 at 5:08 pm #337070
The secret to mental health for all of us is to fit our thinking to reality. It is the principle behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: to correct our distorted thoughts and core beliefs and replace them with thoughts and core beliefs that are true to reality. I will be back to the computer in about 14 hours and reply to you further.
anitaFebruary 7, 2020 at 5:23 pm #337072
I think what you say is interesting because I have have been journaling about my goals (as well as other things) for a while now. I have bought a new journal at the start of each year for the past 4 years… Even just last week I had a couple entries about friendships and work. I am not sure how to do “one thing” each day for goals like this. That being said, I was fired from my job last night and had yet another friend block me today.
I have other goals less related to others and more individual, but I find it difficult to make any progress on them with the feeling of shame. I know I did not respond to Lara, but something she said was something I think about a lot in this context: “Feeling excluded is very tough on social animals like us humans. It’s a cliché but true that thousands of years ago being excluded from a group meant mortal danger and our body still reacts accordingly”
I find being isolated and rejected by others puts me in an extraordinarily self-destructive and depressive state, while in, there is no goal or hobby or interest that I care about.
I tried doing what you said today. I got out a shirt I have been wanting to alter (sewing is one of my interests) and sat at my sewing table. I made 3 marks on the shirt, and within the next few minutes I was sitting on the floor crying. There was nothing in me that cared about that shirt. I could force myself to alter a thousand shirts, but I would still be just as lonely and unwanted at the end of it as when I started. It sounds dramatic, but it is the truth.February 7, 2020 at 5:35 pm #337074
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Sorry I did not mean to put all that in quotations.</p>February 7, 2020 at 7:35 pm #337080
I’m glad you wrote back. When you acknowledged what I wrote it made me feel appreciated and valued. So I now look forward to interacting with you. This is how it works in friendships too.
I will do a better job of explaining what I mean with regards to making daily progress on your goals but before I do I’d like to understand exactly why last night you were fired from your job? And also why do you think your friend blocked you today?
BFebruary 7, 2020 at 8:38 pm #337086
Oh, that’s good to know and I’m glad.
It was a job that started only a month ago. I was being trained to be a caregiver for 3 mentally disabled non-verbal women all living in one house. From the beginning, I had expressed my concerns about that position being my first position at the company (I felt they were “throwing me into the deep end” given various circumstances). In short, I said I was not prepared to work three 12 hour shifts in a row this weekend and they said “ok, then we don’t need you”.
My friend blocked me essentially because he did not find the difficulty of our friendship worth it. I do not know how much detail to give you on this. Part of it was that he was attracted to me, and I was not attracted to him. There was an instance where he was questioning me on a lot of things through text related to dating and intimacy and his attraction to me, and I turned him down. I do not know how he actually took this, he is poly and has a few partners, and said that it was easy for him to go back to friend-mode. But somewhere in the conversation I said something that he said made him feel hurt and mistrusting of me. He also kept saying I “misunderstood” his intentions. He also said I was reminding him of his “toxic ex”.
From then on out, he said the friendship was up to me and he was going to withdraw. In every attempt at conversation he talked to me like a robot and would say “I have to protect myself from you because I opened up to you and got hurt”. I started by asking what I could do and if we could talk in person to resolve things (I felt there was a lot of room for misunderstanding through text). He never gave me a clear answer on this. For some reason, this was really frustrating to me and I felt like I was being punished repeatedly by him bringing up “you hurt me, I can’t trust you”. I expressed this and he only said he didn’t understand. He then said “this is a lot of effort I am putting in for someone who is nearly a stranger to me”… and kept saying “I don’t know you at all, what do you want?”… I mean I do not think we are strangers… I have been to his apartment a fair number of times, I know things about him like a friend would know, I met him summer of 2018.
Anywhere, there is more to all of this that is hard to explain but I can do my best if it would be relevant or helpful. I act in some pretty strange ways sometimes that would give people reason to fire me and also block me.February 7, 2020 at 8:41 pm #337088
anyway*February 8, 2020 at 7:13 am #337120
Please read my post slowly and attentively. I want you to be calm enough as you read so that you will consider what I write to you.
You wrote yesterday: “I find being isolated and rejected by others puts me in an extraordinary self-destructive and depressive state, while in, there is no goal or hobby or interest that I care about”- this is your childhood social and emotional experience that you keep experiencing at the present, since your childhood and onward.
There is nothing unusual about what I just stated. All of us who had inadequate, disturbing childhood keep re-experiencing the same social and emotional experience of our childhood throughout our adulthood, no matter the changing external circumstances- until and if we heal enough so to understand what happened in our childhood and correct the false core beliefs that were Formed in our brains during those Formative Years of childhood.
As a child you were “isolated and rejected by others”, the others being your mother (and there was no one else in the household who befriended and accepted you, so to undo that isolation and rejection).
You wrote last year: “From a young age, I can remember hating my mother. I found her repulsive and often outright rejected her”-
– please pay attention to the following: I know for sure that a young child does not, can not, will not hate and reject her mother. It goes against nature: a young animal, like a young deer, depends on her mother for survival, food and protection, so the fawn (young deer) follows her mother wherever the mother goes, motivated by an emotion of need, a positive need for her mother. No way a fawn will hate her mother and walk away from her mother. We people are animals and operate by the same instincts. A young child experiences a very strong positive need for her mother, every single time. A young child will not say to herself: I don’t really need my mother, I have a trust fund that a lawyer will use to find me another home; or I don’t really need my mother because I think my aunt over there likes me enough and she will take care of me, or social services will find me a good foster home.
No, a young child strongly and positively needs her mother, aka loves her mother completely and intensely, born to love her mother.
What really happened is that you loved your mother but your mother hated you. It is your mother that found you repulsive and it is she who rejected you.
What I wrote above would be a core belief that is true to reality.
Your false core belief, one that is not true to reality, is that from a young age you hated, were repulsed by and rejected your mother.
Pay attention to this: because you don’t believe, or you don’t see that it is your mother who hated/ was repulsed by/ rejected you, you believe that everyone else in your current life hates you, is repulsed by you and rejects you.
You keep seeing your mother’s behavior in everyone else in your life.
Now, here is a complication: some people in your life, like your ex boyfriend really did hate you etc. because his behavior shows that. And your ex roommate in the dormitories who unlocked the door, then locked it while you were right behind her, she too hated you.
Your ex boyfriend’s hateful/ rejecting behavior has to do with who he is, there really are rude and abusive people in the world, after all. Your ex roommate, maybe she was also rude and abusive, and maybe she was reacting to you being rude to her first. I don’t know.
Back to your core belief that it was you who hated and rejected your mother at a young age- another complication: you did reject her, felt repulsed by her and rejected her at an older age, after she hated you, after she expressed being repulsed by you, and after she rejected you many, many times over a period of years.
You’ve been confusing your later childhood emotions with your early childhood emotions.
One more complication (I know you don’t need any more complications, but I am pointing it so that maybe, just maybe, if you do take your time to read all this, and re-read it over many days, if you do, it may help you): you still love your mother under the hate. And you loved her all through the years, in between the times you hated her and underneath, all along.
When your mother accused you of you being cruel to her (“She would tell me.. that her heart was broken by my cruelty to her”), you believed her, you believed that you were cruel to her, but reality was that you were angry with her because she was cruel to you. Because you believed you were cruel to your own mother, you also believed that you deserved her hate/ repulsion/rejection of you.
And part of you did know that she is the one who hurt you, and you told her that, but her response “was always something like ‘I hurt you? You hurt me! You need to stop hurting me'”- she made it impossible for you to be sure that indeed she was the one who hurt you because she denied it.
Regarding your most recent post: you had a job offer that was impossible to take on and maintain for most people, 12 hour shifts, taking care of three mentally disabled women. You let your employer know you (understandably) can’t do it and they fired you- this is not an indication that you were worthy of being fired (being worthy of being hated/repulsed/rejected). It is an indication that your employer had other options, other people to hire who will do the 12 hour shifts, so they were not motivated to work with you and accommodate you.
And regarding your friend whom you met in the summer of 2018 (“I met him summer of 2018”) and who recently blocked you, for crying out loud, this must be the man you shared about in your June 2019 thread: “He lied constantly… He masturbated to other women and told me about it. He told me I wasn’t turning him on and that he had to imagine other women” etc. This man repulses me, how rude and cruel! Really, you should not be in any relationship with this person, friendship or otherwise.
Back to your core beliefs and thoughts: change them so that they are true to reality, and your healing will be made possible. I am here to help you in the context of this thread any way I can, and for as long as you want me in your thread.
anitaFebruary 8, 2020 at 7:46 am #337126LaraParticipant
sorry if this threat made you feel shameful, I am sure noone here wanted to hurt you. Personally I just wanted to give you my take on what I read in your posts, and I might well be wrong in interpreting what I have read. You have been pretty brave and open so far and I am glad you continue wrting here.
I am a bit short on time today but just wanted to say a few things:
You dodged a bullet with loosing that job, I am 100% sure. three 12-hour shifts in a row? Thats a recipe for even mentally stable people to loose it long term. I know entry lvl jobs can be tough, but I take tough to be “doing the dumb work noone else likes but needs to get done during a normal 8 hour shift with breaks, tea, some boredome etc.”
I believe (and this might have come up here before, sorry) that you need a therapist (CBT?). Why? Because you need someone consistently in your corner that you see regulary face to face. Is that something that you can afford or that your parents could help you affording?
February 8, 2020 at 7:48 am #337130
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by Lara.
I just re-read your last post to me: “I am curious what you mean about thinking fitting reality. I am not sure how to do that or what it would mean to do it”. I want to answer your question specifically:
If you change your false core beliefs that it was you who rejected your mother, that you are the one who hurt her, and therefore you deserve to be hated, repulsed by and rejected by people, and adopt true core beliefs, that she is the one who rejected you, not because you were worthy of being rejected, but because she was a rejecting person, nothing to do with you- then the following will happen:
1. You will no longer suffer believing that you are trapped in a world that will hate you and reject you forevermore. You will experience calm knowing you were nothing but a good, loving and lovable child, and that you still are a good, loving and lovable person.
2. You will no longer accept, tolerate, and try to change people who really are cruel to you: your mother, this ex-boyfriend turned friend, etc.
3. You will be able to evaluate people accurately and to figure out who really is rude and cruel to you and who is decent, and therefore who to get close to and who to keep out of your life.
4. You will be less and less angry at people because you will trust yourself to know who you should keep out of your life (#3), so you will be less ready to fight anyone and everyone, you will be able to relax in the company of selected individuals, and have healthy relationships with some people.
5. No longer very angry, calm and trusting yourself, you will find the motivation to develop your life, career wise, hobbies, friends, and whatnot.
* a note for you: if you want to work with me on your core beliefs, please start a new thread with an appropriate title so that you and I can communicate there. Here on this thread, you can continue to communicate with other members (I want you to keep your communication with me separate at this point so to avoid confusion).