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ninibee

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  • #377831
    ninibee
    Participant

    hi again anita and Teak (and anyone else who may read this)

    I want to say that I deeply appreciate your sharing, thoughtfulness, and time spent with me on this thread. It helps me feel less lonely in the moment, but as things settle in I start to feel great amounts of anxiety and shame around what I post. I feel like I never should have never should’ve opened my mouth. Coincidentally, I started this thread in a similar place but hoping to find some way to feel better about it. At the moment I feel like its too hard to pull myself out of. I feel confused right now. I don’t know what to say. I worry I waste people’s time on here… that I am always spinning around in circles and being difficult and weird and  unreachable. I don’t know if I have anything else to say.

    #377736
    ninibee
    Participant

    TeaK,

    I had written out a paragraph in response to and then it got deleted somehow. It won’t be as good as what I originally wrote, but here is basically what I said:

    I thought about what you said today while eating a salad for lunch. My mom came into the kitchen and asked what I was eating, and I felt uncomfortable and I didn’t want to tell her (I had to tell her, but I said it as boring as possible)… But I thought this was a strange reaction to have. I think in a normal situation, I would have said “I made this really delicious salad. I actually made it up on the spot and it turned out surprisingly well. Do you want to try some?” This is when I thought about what you said about kids wanting to share their achievements with their parents. Its a rather silly example and I am not sure if it even makes sense… but in this case, if my salad was an achievement, I not only did not want to share the news of my great achievement with her, I wanted to avoid the possibility of her seeing it or commenting on it. For a moment, I wished I had not made a salad at all.

    I don’t understand this well, but it is like I am afraid to share my achievements (or even make an achievement). I don’t know if this answers your question in any way, but I think it goes beyond a lack of motivation.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by ninibee.
    #377733
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita,

    I want to start by saying I appreciate the research you have done, and now shared with me to help me better understand myself and my experiences. Here are some things I found interesting/relevant as I was reading:

    1. “Your touch can lower the levels of the stress hormone cortisol in his body, leading to better sleep patterns in infancy and a tendency to be less fearful or inhibited later in life”

    This fits that that perhaps I was not given this type of bonding touch. My mom herself companied to me that as a baby, I was a terrible sleeper, did not like to nap, and would wake them up throughout the night. I became extremely inhibited and fearful by the age of 5, and have been throughout my life.

    2. “Many children who have not had ample physical and emotional attention are at higher risk for behavioral, emotional and social problems as they grow up…”

    This reminds me of the reason I originally began this thread. I was feeling shame about my life long history of behavioral and social issues. This is relatively unspecific and simply put, but relevant.

    3. Everything you have shared about being a “active” or “passive agent”, and the pattern of “learned helplessness”

    These ideas are new to me. I can see in what you put together that I have displayed a pattern of learned helplessness. In some ways, I do feel it is true for me. Specifically around when you said “feeling that there is something terribly wrong with you for not taking the actions needed to be taken” … I did feel this way, I blamed myself and held myself as the one responsible for my misery I was in. I am not sure if that fits in. I will have to look more into learned helplessness. Perhaps I was in a state of thinking “I have caused this for myself and I want to change it, but I don’t know what I need or how I can get out of it”… That seems to fit. I may have some ideas, but many times I am still so unsure and lack the confidence to make any change with my ideas.

     

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by ninibee.
    #377619
    ninibee
    Participant

    Hi Ava,

    As I was reading your post, I noticed something was missing from the picture. You have identified there is an issue, that you don’t like your girlfriend’s personality changes during sex because she starts to treat you in a way that hurts you. She may like to have sex that way, and has only been having sex with you her way. What I think is missing is: What do you want your sex life to look like? We know what your girlfriend wants. Unfortunately what she wants is hurting you, and we don’t want that to continue. So far there has been room for her to have whatever she wants without consideration for you, and zero room for what you want. I am curious to know about you!  What is the type of sex you would like? How often do you want to have it? What types of things would you like to hear from your partner during sex? (you don’t actually have to share that here, but they ae important questions to answer for yourself)

    And you asked if anyone has had a similar experience with this… I have. I am happy to share if it would be helpful to you.

    But like anita and TeaK have brought up, there sounds like there is signs that this relationship may not be a healthy one. So I will again encourage you to step back from it and figure out what you need and want. You may really like your girlfriend, but she may not be capable of being a good partner to you.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by ninibee.
    #377614
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita,

    You said, “Maybe that’s the emptiness you talked about at the time, not having anyone to live for, is how you put it, if I remember correctly.

    Is that it?”

    I can remember at the time thinking if I had someone to share my goals/projects/achievements with that I would be more motivated in life. For much of my life, I have been solely motivated by getting attention (or connection). As you can imagine, sometimes this was very unhealthy. Sometimes it was more neutral, or even somewhat positive. For example, I use to go to swing dancing classes just to be around people. I actually do not know if I liked swing dancing or not (and at the time I had absolutely no idea if I liked the dancing, I just knew I liked the social event).

    In regards to that time in my life (that I made that post 2019), I remember thinking a lot “why should I put in all this effort to go to college and be successful in life if at the end of the day I have nobody to there for me that would care?” I felt life is worthless/empty without connection. And that is where my fantasy mother came in. A fantasy of a positive connection that would motivate me to make positive change in my life.  Additionally, it seems easier to value yourself/see your worth when you have someone who holds that view of you.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by ninibee.
    #377565
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita,

    to answer your questions:

    1) what do you mean by your Fantasy Mother allowing space for you (Nov 2, 2019)

    This is a good question. I wish I could remember what exactly lead me to say this at that time. Since I cannot remember, I will answer from my current headspace. My mother is always listening, watching, keeping tabs on everyone. It’s very suffocating. There is this feeling that you cannot get away with anything she wouldn’t approve of, so many things need to be kept a secret. So I imagine I was imagining the opposite of that when I made that statement about my fantasy mother.

    2) “I imagine if I did have a fantasy mother around, I would feel as if I was living my life for her/ she would give my life meaning” (Nov 6, 2019)- can you elaborate on this sentence as much as you can?

    I think at the time that I wrote this I was thinking about the people who say “I live to make my mother proud”. At the time I was feeling like I did not have clear meaning in my life and the idea of living to make someone proud appealed to me. I don’t know if I relate to this anymore.

    It seems relevant to say that my “fantasy mother” has changed as my understanding of certain things in my life has changed.

    #377564
    ninibee
    Participant

    TeaK I think you make a very good point. In the very least, my mom was not able to accept me on a bodily level from the time I was a baby. When I have watched her hold or interact other people’s babies, I feel like I can sense her nervousness and discomfort. She seems very unnatural with a baby, like she has not ever been a mother before. So I assume it would’ve been the same when I was a baby… I was a icky and unpredictable object to her. I also think you are right the connection to my fear of vomiting.

    #377513
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita,

    I’m sorry. I feel like I am being frustrating. I see that you have explained things to me many times in regards the what you see  happened with my mother and me, and I am still confused. Sometimes I feel like my mind goes blank and I cannot see or remember anything wrong with my mom. I am sorry if it feels like you are talking to a wall. I am having a difficult time with myself today.

    #377504
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita,

    I want to say thank you for sharing more about your own experience with shame. It helps me feel less alone and gives me some hope for my own situation. I feel like what you said,  “I was mentally unwell, confused, desperate, in pain, and therefore likely to act in shameful ways. And I did.” describes exactly my experience with myself. I hadn’t heard it put quite like that before.

    It is hard to see myself as an innocent child. But it is also hard to remember things from my childhood in general. If my mom was putting her shame onto me as a child, it was definitely done in a way that is hard to pinpoint. Or maybe it is clear but I am not able to see it. Is it important that I see it to be able to heal from it?

    I might have more to say but I am still thinking about it.

    #377500
    ninibee
    Participant

    Brandy,

    I also saw that post from Inky when I was reviewing at that thread and also find it interesting. I did ask my therapist (around that time a year ago) what he thought of the possibility of me being “on the spectrum” and I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I have the impression now that he seemed to think there was a major criteria that I did not meet, or that there was something that sort of “disqualified” me. I also believe he said if I did want a diagnosis, I would have to see someone else for that because its not part of his practice, and I did not pursue that.

    I guess my perspective on it currently is that I don’t know if a diagnosis would help me or not. I could see it possibly feeling like something I am trapped in, like I would be doomed to a life of social problems and isolation and being misunderstood. I can also see it potentially lifting some shame, giving me something to “point the finger at” and give me some explanation that may help end the confusion.

     

     

     

    #377468
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita,

    Hearing more about your experience with shame has brought up a few more questions for me. It sounds like you determined for yourself that the shame was given to you, that it was not yours, that you did not deserve it being given to you. I can see how coming to see that truth would help release shame.

    I do wonder if our situations are different, because I think I have done a lot to be ashamed of. Maybe there have been some times that people shamed me for things that I did not deserve to be shamed for, but I do not see those times as clearly as I have seen the shameful I have done.

    So my questions are: How do you know when someone deserves to feel the shame they feel vs when someone does not? How can someone who has done shameful things live on in peace? Maybe some people would say in certain cases that the people who have done shameful things do not deserve to be at peace.

    And also, is there something to you that indicates that I was shamed or given shame in a similar way to you? And if so, has that lead me to a life of shame somehow, that I do not see yet?

    You don’t have to answer all the questions by any means, I don’t expect you to be all-knowing, but I am curious to see  more of your perspective.

    #377465
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita,

    In regards to you helping to uncover passion in me, I am open to that. I wonder what is there to be uncovered, if there is something.

    I feel that what you said about passion getting numbed out along with the pain is very important. It reminded me that I had heard things like that before (something about trauma shutting down the creative part of the brain), but I never made a clear connection to my own situation..

    #377464
    ninibee
    Participant

    Brandy,

    I just did look back through that thread, and it makes me cry and feel sick to my stomach. I do see you said you wanted to support me and I feel you did show that. I think unfortunately I had a negative takeaway from that thread in the end, the feelings of shame were too big and I was too defensive throughout it, which made me unreachable. I also felt like I was overwhelmed and disappointing everyone. I still live with the shame of that situation and when I think about it, I wish I could undo it… which is true for way too many things I have caused.

    #377460
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita I thought of a question for you. You said that you once also experienced unrelenting shame, and said it could become a thing of the past. I am curious how this process was for you… How did you overcome shame?

    I will respond to your more recent posts later, but for now I just want to ask that question since it came to mind.

    #377445
    ninibee
    Participant

    oh no.. anita you seem to have confidence in me that I would be capable of college… I feel like my first attempt at college has shown me its not really something I can do. If I am being honest, it is just too difficult and I give up. I see other students who are able to “do it all”, and I think “oh geez I would not be able to do that”. Or maybe: would not be able to=do not want to. That is how I ended up where I am at.

    You used the word “passion”, which may be the missing key… and that is exactly where I feel lost. If I had a passion, I think I would have more clarity and feel less resistance. I worry that leads us to the “end of the road” in regards to our conversation, because I am stuck/lost and unfortunately I do not know if anyone can help me uncover a passion.

    I have looked up before “how to find what you are passionate about” and “how to decide on a career path”, and that’s as far as I’ve gotten.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 59 total)