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ninibee

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  • #341152
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita,

    To your question,

     And now what, now that I know it, and hopefully you know it, what is there for you to do?

    I am not sure, even reading over the excerpts you  used from previous things I said, I doubt them, if they are true or not,  and wonder why I said them. Sometimes it seems I am very sure something was wrong, thinking something had to have been wrong… and then other times I just get confused and can’t think of anything concrete. The only thing I can think is that it’s unfortunate that I was the way I was growing up, and that it’s unfortunate that I am the way I am now still today. (Like even right now, I’m being rather difficult)

    It is hard to know what to do next, I think I am still learning the possibilities of what can happen.

    #340624
    ninibee
    Participant

    I am thinking it is hard to think of rejections from my mom because I was rarely so vulnerable to even share any of my self with her.

    I can tell you she generally disapproves of things I do or am interested in. It is a dismissive disapproval, like she will not even engage with the topic and more so it is a matter of figuring out if she approves or not based on her level of responsiveness. I get stuck in asking for permission about certain things, which is why I am even in this position in the first place. I ask for permission to avoid future punishments. I can tell you she entirely rejects any idea or interest I have unless it is something she already likes herself or agrees with already. The best situation is for her to be indifferent towards something.

    So in a way, that’s one but also many rejections. This is most often about clothes or minor life decisions, like if should I buy a bicycle or not.

    I am sorry anita, I am struggling with this question because as much as I can remember, I was basically entirely rejected by my mother, aside from the circumstances of something being approved of or just something she did not care about very much.

     

     

     

     

    #340622
    ninibee
    Participant

    Oh by “terror of me”, I mean she likely feel terrorized by the situation of me being sick on a plane, out of her control. She was probably horrified and disgusted, and probably took personal offense in the situation… “Oh god, how come this happened to me” is probably what she was thinking.

    I am realizing it is hard and confusing to remember interactions I had with my mom. I know we argued and I know her patterns of behavior generally… but specifics are hard. Let me think…

    #340360
    ninibee
    Participant

    hi again anita,

    My original (lost) response was to you saying maybe I was not cleaned up on the plane as a punishment. I think this is unlikely considering some of my mom’s characteristics. It is most likely that they were just unprepared and could not clean me effectively, who knows if I had a change of clothes or not. Knowing my parents, it is most likely that my mom was overwhelmed by this situation and put all the pressure on my dad, and then my dad was likely frantic and stressed. My mom HATES mess and is rather squeamish. She could not handle vomit or blood very well at all, and certainly would hate sitting next to a vomit covered baby on a plane. I know the car seat had to be thrown away though.

    My thinking was that my mom’s very likely, very negative response (rejection and terror of me) was probably more of what had an impact on me.

    #340272
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita, I just typed out a whole response and accidentally deleted it all! I am writing this to let you know I have read what you said, and will try to retype what I originally wanted to say later.

    #340158
    ninibee
    Participant

    I don’t know if there is any way for me to find out if I was force fed or overfed as a baby. I don’t think my parents would admit to that type of thing happening if it did. I know my mom blames my pickiness as a child on her and others “giving in” to my food preferences too much as a baby and not forcing me to eat vegetables and meat, as they should’ve

    #340156
    ninibee
    Participant

    Regarding your second post: I wonder if your intense fear of vomiting has to do  with you having been forced fed as a baby- maybe your mother forced food into your mouth and you gagged, feeling like vomiting. I don’t know if you have or can possibly get this kind of information.

    I have wondered about this myself. I only know of one traumatic incident with vomiting when I was a baby and that was when I was strapped into a car seat on my first plane ride and I threw up all over myself and the car seat and was stuck in for the whole plane ride. It fits into my fear a little bit because my fear of vomit is proximity-based. I will only feel a little startled if someone throws up outside passing them by on the sidewalk or something. If I am in the same house or room with someone throwing up is when it is the worst I have experienced. My absolute worst fear is being trapped in an enclosed space with vomit.

    #339538
    ninibee
    Participant

    anita, I want to apologize for the gaps in my responses. I find it hard to engage because of the shame I feel. I am also worried because it seems like nobody else is interested in this thread and it is all on you.

    #339528
    ninibee
    Participant

    About leftovers and my food issues… I have emetophobia (intense phobia of vomit) that makes me stress about anything that could possibly make me sick. My mom is a bit of a germaphobe, but does not have the same phobia as far as I know.

    #339526
    ninibee
    Participant

    About leftovers and my food issues… I have emetophobia (intense phobia of vomit) that makes me stress about anything that could possibly make me sick. My mom is a bit of a germaphobe, but does not have the same phobia as far as I know.

    #339524
    ninibee
    Participant

    did you hear those parents complain about you, or did you hear your mother telling you that other parents complained about you?

    Well, I know that sometimes I would act independently from my mother, like going to the neighbors house to ask to play and other kids would say “My parents say I am not allowed to play with you”, yet they were allowed to play with my brother. This was a big problem for me amongst neighborhood kids, and even at school after we moved neighborhoods. I distinctly remember my best friend’s mom in middle school calling me a “bad influence”.

    #339246
    ninibee
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>(continued)</p>
    Maybe that seems irreverent, but is the example I thought of. I do not know if it even will make sense to anyone else.. or if it could apply to other things.

    Let me know your thoughts

    #339244
    ninibee
    Participant

    hi again anita,

    I am again curious how I could’ve been good as a child when it seems there are very concrete things that made me difficult and problematic.

    For one, I was a VERY picky and anxious about food. I had extreme food aversion and OCD like behaviors. This was difficult for my family and made things socially difficult for me (not eating food at birthday parties or that other parents mare for me)

    Also, other kids’ parents complained about me and often did not want me being friends with their children. I am not exactly sure why, but it seems like I likely was just difficult to be friends with..

    I also cried a lot, would go to the school nurse for made-up reasons, find ways and excuses to get out of normal school activities.

    In some resemblance, these things are still present in my life as an adult.

    But something I was thinking recently was that maybe I was not shown or did not experience things that would help me feel more comfortable and confident.

    For example, I am always very nervous about eating leftovers from restaurants. Recently I went out to eat with a friend and had leftovers with them, and I was too hesitant to eat any, so I asked my friend if I could be there when they ate the same leftovers so I could see that it was an okay thing to do and likely nothing bad would happen (nothing bad happened). I did this because I thought it would help me get over my nervousness about eating left overs in the future.

    #338864
    ninibee
    Participant

    hello anita,

    When you put things the way you did, I understand them better. Thank you. Especially “a child is not capable to endure the belief that her mother doesn’t love her, that her mother is rejecting her. So she closes her eyes to that reality and believes something else that is not true. Now, the something-else doesn’t feel good, but the original (true) belief feels worse. Many false core beliefs feel bad, but not as bad (for the child) as the true core beliefs that we close our eyes to.”

    You also said about my belief that I am bad/problematic: “But I can see that it is not true as clearly as I can see .. anything.” I am confused on this one because many people do see me this way. Many people tell me I have lots of problems and that I am difficult.

    I will respond more later.

    #337228
    ninibee
    Participant

    Brandy,

    Do you know exactly what you said to him that made him feel hurt and mistrust you?

    There was a discussion we were having about why I am not as vulnerable in the friendship as he felt like he was being. He was saying he felt like there was a discrepancy in how open he was versus how open I was, and he was upset about me not being comfortable around him yet. And I said that firstly, it takes time for me to open up, and I also gave him some ideas to “open me up” if he wanted to make me feel more comfortable in the friendship. I also said that I usually spend time observing people before I open up to them, so I have a lesser chance of making a mistake in some way. I said that I had observed things in him that made me less likely to feel entirely comfortable around him or interested being more open around him. He asked what I was taking about, and example I gave was one comment he made about one of his sexual partners, where he said he would like to get to know her better but when they are together “her mouth is too full for her to speak”… I think as a joke, but a joke I don’t necessarily care for. Speaking generally, I said “many people would find a comment like that appalling” and tried to explain it that a comment like that does not make me feel safe or comfortable opening up… and that was just the truth of the situation for me.

    His response was hurt because I called his comment appalling and he felt like I was secretly judging him and holding it against him. This was complicated for me because I think that judgement is immediate and natural. The joke did not make me dislike him as a person, but just made me think “well now I know I don’t want to ever be sexual with this person if he talks about his partners that way”. But nonetheless, he felt betrayed that I was simultaneously being his friend and also finding his humor of bad taste.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 42 total)