April 10, 2021 at 1:59 pm #377444
So my girlfriend and I have been having a relationship for a little while now and for the most part it’s been pretty happy but the sexlife is horrible.
To say the least we are sexually very active. We have sex every day at least twice a day. That has to do with her incredible sex drive. She is in the mood pretty much 24/7 and can go for hours with little breaks. I on the other hand do not have the highest sex drive, which is because I am currently on antidepressants and I have been for a very long time. We have sex even when I’m not in the mood but she is. We had a fight about exactly this a little while back because she was saying how we were only being intimate whenever I wanted to. The situation escalated because I said that I thought that that was how it was supposed to be…you have sex when both/all of the parties are in the mood and not just one, right??? Since she is always horny she shouldn’t mind having sex whenever I am too. Anyway, this is not the biggest issue.
That is that whenever we do have sex my girlfriend’s personality changes COMPLETELY. So we are about ten years apart in age and I am the younger one. She for the most part does not have an issue with that, however when we are being intimate she turns into an absolute “monster” and often says hurtful things (which she knows are hurtful to me) and calls it “dirty talk”. How ironic, isn’t it? To give you an example: The mentioned age gap of 10+ years. I have been put down by my mother and older siblings for being the youngest in the house for as long as I can remember, eventhough I have always been very mature for my age. I often have been denied harmless information I was ready to hear about because “you are just a child”. Or was excluded from family events. Basically it has always been an issue for me.
The other day we were using a toy that I refused to use without a condom for hygienic reasons. She pointed out the tampon and said that she was given that at an event. To quote her words:”That’s what comes in the goodie bags at grown up parties. Have you ever been to one or only your 12 year old children’s parties?” She knows that I have a troubled past and that a big part of it was being underestimated because I was always the youngest plus a girl. Another example would be that she also gets very aggressive with me in bed and often slaps me very hard. I am also always a “bad girl”, never a good girl. Or a “young lady”. Which she knows I don’t like being called.
That is not how she usually talks to me or treats me, which is most of the time in a very respectful way.
Do you think those things keep happening because she likes the feeling of being powerful during intimate moments and is that also why she wouldn’t let me get on top?
Has anyone got any experiences with this? Please let me know. XXXApril 10, 2021 at 2:24 pm #377452anitaParticipant
From what I understand, you are in a lesbian relationship with a woman who is treating you horribly- not all the time, but often, in the context of sex- which amounts to a whole lot of time (“She is in the mood pretty much 24/7 and can go for hours with little breaks”).
In other words, you are in an abusive relationship, aren’t you?
April 13, 2021 at 2:59 am #377585TeaKParticipant
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.
your girlfriend doesn’t seem to respect you and your needs, e.g. to have sex only when you too are in the mood, but is focused only on her own needs. She doesn’t respect your boundaries either, e.g. by being cruel during sex when you clearly don’t want it, by calling you derogatory names which you also don’t like and have told her so, by laughing at your need for precaution and protecting your health. As Anita says, she’s being abusive, and you’re enduring behaviors that you shouldn’t be enduring.
As for personality change during sex, yes, it happens with quite a few people, specially people who haven’t worked through their subconscious material, e.g. their anger at their parents, and so they vent their anger at their partner during sex. Sex brings a lot of our “shadow” to the surface, which otherwise we suppress. You’re on the receiving end of your girlfriend’s unprocessed shadow… think about whether you want to endure that, or you want to set some boundaries and protect yourself.April 13, 2021 at 12:03 pm #377619ninibeeParticipant
As I was reading your post, I noticed something was missing from the picture. You have identified there is an issue, that you don’t like your girlfriend’s personality changes during sex because she starts to treat you in a way that hurts you. She may like to have sex that way, and has only been having sex with you her way. What I think is missing is: What do you want your sex life to look like? We know what your girlfriend wants. Unfortunately what she wants is hurting you, and we don’t want that to continue. So far there has been room for her to have whatever she wants without consideration for you, and zero room for what you want. I am curious to know about you! What is the type of sex you would like? How often do you want to have it? What types of things would you like to hear from your partner during sex? (you don’t actually have to share that here, but they ae important questions to answer for yourself)
And you asked if anyone has had a similar experience with this… I have. I am happy to share if it would be helpful to you.
But like anita and TeaK have brought up, there sounds like there is signs that this relationship may not be a healthy one. So I will again encourage you to step back from it and figure out what you need and want. You may really like your girlfriend, but she may not be capable of being a good partner to you.
April 15, 2021 at 6:43 am #377772
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by ninibee.
thank you so much for your answer!! Yes exactly! It is a whole lot of time, more than I wish to spend doing it, which might sound weird because there are couples out there trying to have more sex but I can also assure you that there is such a thing as too much sex.
I tried bringing the (verbal!) abusiveness up in a different argument and it ended in her denying everything. I felt very humiliated as I was being portrayed as a lier. I think that denial very, very often is a sign of knowing what you are doing wrong but havent changed anything about your behaviour yet. I know that after having approached her and her not having changed anything about her behaviour it is time for me to make a change and perhaps take a step back from it as sad as it sounds.
AvvApril 15, 2021 at 7:03 am #377773
thank you for helping out with my dilemmas, considering I am majoring in psychology, what you said actually makes a lot of sense. In case you know more about the topic, would you mind elaborating more on the topic of people changing personality during sex?
In this case there sure is some anger that has not yet been processed, she does admit that but never what exactly that is, she does not speak about it at all. If only I knew, I would understand better and could act accordingly. It helps to know, though that the aggression is not towards me but someone else.
Thank you for your answer,
Avv XXXApril 15, 2021 at 7:40 am #377777
yes, I would love for you to share your experiences, if you do not want to do so in the forum, is there a private chat function on here?
thank you for answering,
Avv XXXApril 15, 2021 at 8:08 am #377779anitaParticipant
You are welcome. Regardless of her motivations, what and who is fueling her angry behavior during sex with you, it is you who is the recipient of her anger, and it is not fair to you.
When she, a woman ten years older than you, engages in sex with you, (1) knowing that you don’t want to, and (2) performing certain acts that she knows you are uncomfortable with, and (3) verbally abusing you in the process- then it seems to me that she is guilty of sexual misconduct, or sexual abuse. Here is another term: sexual exploitation, law insider. com: “Sexual exploitation occurs when one person takes nonconsensual or abusive sexual advantage of another person for his/ her own advantage or benefit or for the advantage or benefit of anyone other than the person being exploited and which behavior does not constitute any other form of sexual misconduct”.
Maybe she is so thrilled to have a victim to exploit that she is taking advantage of the opportunity and has sex with you/ exploits you as often as possible, before the opportunity is gone.
anitaApril 15, 2021 at 8:38 am #377782TeaKParticipant
In case you know more about the topic, would you mind elaborating more on the topic of people changing personality during sex?
Unfortunately I don’t know much more, just that sex involves (or should involve) intimacy. If we’ve experienced wounding and abuse in our closest relationships, i.e. with our parents, the related hurt and the need to revenge and punish the perpetrators may come up during sex. Your girlfriend might have experienced some sort of abuse, possibly sexual, and her abusive behavior towards you is the result.
Since she wants to have (abusive) sex practically all the time, it means her personality is almost completely consumed by her shadow self. Even though you might have compassion for her, and seek to understand her better, try to remove yourself from the situation in which you are exploited, as Anita also suggested.