Dear Shirley:

1. If some of your friends are doing the wrong thing, how do you talk them out of it? And if you can’t, how do you refuse while still maintaining friendships?

– ask the friend to calm down (if they are distressed), offer to go elsewhere, take a walk, have tea, engage in a different activity at a different setting, so to relieve the current distress and talk about his/ her plan. Let the person talk, listen to their reasoning, ask clarifying questions, attend to the logic of their plan, point to inconsistency, and hopefully, he/ she, being calm, and talking to someone calm (you), he/she will realize their plan is not wise and will reconsider.

If you can’t influence the friend to reconsider, and his/ her plan is not disastrous, just unwise, to maintain the friendship while not getting involved in their plan- state pleasantly and respectfully that you will not get involved in said activity but you would like to … have tea with them later (just an example of something to do later that you do agree with).

2. How do you talk to a friend who doesn’t seem to be hearing you out? Lately, two of my friends I made haven’t been listening much when I talk about my feelings to them.

– Talk less about your feelings to a friend who showed impatience when you shared before. And/ or talk to him/ her about your feelings at a different time, a different setting. Once you share for a minute, pause and observe his/ her reaction. If the friend is engaged, continue; if not, stop.

3. How do you tell your friends that you want to be yourself when they pressure you to change? I have friends who think I need to change my appearance more, but I don’t think I need to, but they keep thinking of ways I could be better and when I argue with them, they don’t really hear my opinions.

– Consider thinking of friends who argue with you and don’t respect your positions as not friends, but rather, acquaintances. And then, don’t engage in conversations (and arguments) with them.

4. How do you isolate yourself from a situation that your friends are involved in, but you don’t want to get involved in without becoming the scapegoat or ‘turning you back’ on your friends?

– When you remove yourself from a situation your friends are involved with, don’t turn your back to them in the sense of being upfront (there is “front” in upfront)- tell them you don’t believe what they are doing is wise, but you care for them and will … have tea with them later (or any activity you do agree with).

anita