Dear Lisa:

Two words describe your lifetime state of mind best, according to my understanding. The first word is “Alone”- the title of your thread. The second word is Overwhelmed. The two are connected.

You were very much alone, as a child. It was not only the absence of your father that created that aloneness but also the absence of adequate attention from your grandmother, your grandfather, your mother, and everyone else. Your aloneness was extreme.

Growing up severely alone is harmful for a child. A child needs attention and guidance and I don’t think you received those things in any amount close to being adequate. In that aloneness, every negative event, every abuse, every incidence of bullying is overwhelming because there is no one to attend to you, to comfort you, to explain to you what happened. A child is not equipped to understand what is happening unless a parent explains to the child what happened.

Every negative event, in the aloneness of your childhood, was overwhelming. And so, you withdrew. Not only did you withdraw by spending a lot of time alone in your room, but you withdrew in other ways as well: your ability to pay attention to what is going on also withdrew. Your presence in your own life withdrew, and life passed you by (you observed it rather than participated in it). Your ability to learn from your experience withdrew, and so, your life kind of froze, all these years.

When overwhelmed and unskilled, practical goals are overwhelming as well. And beyond the practical: drawing and writing? There is no energy at all left for those, no faith in it, and so, as you stated:  you are an artist that doesn’t draw and a writer that doesn’t write.

Am I correct in my understanding?

anita