Dear Tommy:

You wrote about “making the same mistakes and not really learning from them”; you wrote: “I have the facts but it doesn’t really power through”, and “Since there are real feelings involved..”

Why do we behave in ways that are not logical (the examples you gave)?

Because we are primarily emotional beings. We evolved from other animals who operate by instinct and emotion alone. They do not contemplate the logic of things. Hungry-> find food; Afraid-> run; Angry-> fight, etc.

As humans, in addition to instinct and emotion, we have logic and elaborate language, but we are still animals. When our emotions are not fitting our logic we do become ambivalent, conflicted. For example:

“Buying something expensive when I know I’m low on cash”- the logic is: wait till you have enough cash, paid all necessary bills, then buy something expensive. The emotion may be: I am tired of waiting, I am tired of not getting what I want. I want it now! (anger, frustration, impatience)

“Getting hammered on alcohol when I know I start early the next day”- logic: don’t drink so you can function the next day. Work is important. I have t be responsible. Emotion: I hate that job! I am sick and tired of playing by the rules, of doing the right thing! I am miserable, want to feel better now! (anger, frustration, the desire to feel good)

“Say things I know I’m going to regret and take back but feels good in the moment (totally crazy)”- again, emotion says: I want to feel  good NOW!

The practice of Mindfulness is to be aware of those things as they happen, then practice gentleness toward yourself. Not calling yourself crazy or unreasonable, but understanding that there is a reason to your behavior (tired of playing by the rules, tired of being responsible, wanting to feel good now, etc.) and giving validity to these feelings. Then choosing your behavior.

Which brings me to your original post here, you giving yourself a hard time over your behavior with this girl- to feel better, you have to adopt a loving attitude toward yourself, a forgiving attitude; not being harsh with yourself. Instead, treat yourself as a child who is distressed. Hold his hand, comfort him, and over time teach him, help him learn.

anita