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I don't know how to climb out of this one.

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #147837

    Tommy
    Participant

    I was dating this girl for two months and fell extremely hard for her. I became this insecure person who kept doubting her until she had enough. She was kind of busy and gave mixed signals though and I kept apologizing everytime I became emotional (which only made matters worse). When it ended I was complety devasted and ashamed over the fact that I’ve only meet her like 6 times. Ive been textning her a couple of times a week for another two months apologizing and being even more needy. Appearing like a complete psycho who keeps changing his story. I’ve ruined my self esteem and self worth over someone I barely know. I’ve never been this depressed in my entire life. Not to mention I was already down on my luck before I met her. It’s horrible, I have to get over her at the same time. She’s all over my mind and everytime I try to focus on myself her opinion of me keeps me from achieving anything. For example, I keep thinking that I should learn from my mistakes and be more confident but then I feel like it’s for no good since she won’t be there to see that side of me. My self esteem is so low that I genuinely can’t do it for my own good. How do I get myself out of this one? Will I ever get over the self blame and guilt? I’ve never felt this lost. I’m walking around without purpose. Please give me guidance.

    #147849

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tommy:

    You felt an intense need for her and at the same time, you felt an intense fear of losing her. The reason, I believe, that you felt those two intense feelings: need/ attachment on one hand, and fear on the other, after only seeing her six times or so, is because she triggered something.

    What I think she triggered is the intense attachment you had to a parent (most likely), and the intense fear you had, as a child, to lose that parent, or to lose the parent’s love.

    Am I correct?

    anita

    #147853

    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t submit

    #147879

    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    Thank you for taking your time to reply. I’ve never encountered this type of fear in my childhood. But I had a tough time growing up. Parents constantly fighting, bullied in school and by my cousins. And because of this, my self esteem and confidence is low. I’ve done many mistakes in later years, both financially and socially. I’ve had this ambivalence when it comes to making the same mistakes and not really learning from them. Doing stuff without thinking it through. So really I know the cause of my behavior and how it affects relationships. It makes me not care so much about myself and causes self destructive behavior. Basically sometimes I just say or do things without even thinking of the consequences. Hopefully the pain and agony I’m in right know will make me grow up (I’m only 22) because for the first time in my life I feel like I really got a grip on myself.

    But it’s unbearable. I’m miserably at home and at work. I’ve lost this girl who I think could’ve been the real deal and I’m starting to lose myself. I don’t know how to get up and keep going.

     

    #147881

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tommy:

    Better understanding can help you to “climb out of this one” (title of your thread). For that purpose I ask:

    You wrote: “sometimes I just say or do things without even thinking of the consequences”- can you give examples of what you say and do without thinking, five examples or so?

    anita

    #147893

    Tommy
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    I recognize that understanding is one of the most powerful ways of feeling good. But that’s the problem, I have the facts but it doesn’t really power through. But I think it’s one of those times where time have to take its course. Since there are real feelings involved I get ambivalent about my core values. It’s hard to stay on the same path and be confident right now. Also I keep comparing myself to this girl like she’s some perfect being I should become. But I keep reminding myself to only be present in my own reality and not letting someone else define me. It’s frustrating, I know exactly what I did wrong and how I should be thinking but the emotions takes over.

    Some examples on when I do things without thinking it through:

    – Buying something expensive when I know I’m low on cash

    – Getting hammered on alcohol when I know I start early the next day

    – Say things I know I’m going to regret and take back but feels good in the moment (totally crazy)

    I only came up with three though. Made me feel better thank you. Feels like it isn’t that bad after all.

     

    #147895

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tommy:

    You wrote about “making the same mistakes and not really learning from them”; you wrote: “I have the facts but it doesn’t really power through”, and “Since there are real feelings involved..”

    Why do we behave in ways that are not logical (the examples you gave)?

    Because we are primarily emotional beings. We evolved from other animals who operate by instinct and emotion alone. They do not contemplate the logic of things. Hungry-> find food; Afraid-> run; Angry-> fight, etc.

    As humans, in addition to instinct and emotion, we have logic and elaborate language, but we are still animals. When our emotions are not fitting our logic we do become ambivalent, conflicted. For example:

    “Buying something expensive when I know I’m low on cash”- the logic is: wait till you have enough cash, paid all necessary bills, then buy something expensive. The emotion may be: I am tired of waiting, I am tired of not getting what I want. I want it now! (anger, frustration, impatience)

    “Getting hammered on alcohol when I know I start early the next day”- logic: don’t drink so you can function the next day. Work is important. I have t be responsible. Emotion: I hate that job! I am sick and tired of playing by the rules, of doing the right thing! I am miserable, want to feel better now! (anger, frustration, the desire to feel good)

    “Say things I know I’m going to regret and take back but feels good in the moment (totally crazy)”- again, emotion says: I want to feel  good NOW!

    The practice of Mindfulness is to be aware of those things as they happen, then practice gentleness toward yourself. Not calling yourself crazy or unreasonable, but understanding that there is a reason to your behavior (tired of playing by the rules, tired of being responsible, wanting to feel good now, etc.) and giving validity to these feelings. Then choosing your behavior.

    Which brings me to your original post here, you giving yourself a hard time over your behavior with this girl- to feel better, you have to adopt a loving attitude toward yourself, a forgiving attitude; not being harsh with yourself. Instead, treat yourself as a child who is distressed. Hold his hand, comfort him, and over time teach him, help him learn.

    anita

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