Dear Quirine:

Wanting to answer your question best I can, I re-read your posts on this thread. You asked if apart from anxiety (ongoing, repeating fear), do I also notice a problematic situation here:

Yes, I think that you will greatly benefit from learning relationship skills (interpersonal skills) in a love relationship. These can be taught and practiced in a couple counseling setting (with a girlfriend). There are also books, workbooks and maybe online sources. But no substitute for practicing with a professional/ teacher.

It is a matter of learning, nothing magical. One very important such skill is Assertiveness, another is approaching any conflict with a Win-Win approach: no loser/ winner. Both need to win. Another is responsibility, for example, saying: I feel sad when you don’t do this or that, instead of saying: you make me feel sad. Another skill: attentive listening, then repeating what the other person said so to make sure you understood correctly.

Here is an example of a non-skill, that is, a skill no one has: mind reading. Partners often feel that the other is supposed to know what they feel without telling what it is. Or a partner assumes the other is thinking or feeling this or that. Instead of assuming, instead of mind-reading, ask and tell, clearly, simply.

I wish you learned those skills. Putting them into practice successfully will help your anxiety, giving you confidence.

* One more thing I noticed: you were unsure/ uncomfortable about being gay for a long time and that hindered you in the area of love relationships. You may still be not comfortable enough. Reads to me that you didn’t tell your father and that your mother didn’t react too well? This discomfort/ fear of rejection for being gay may be an issue as well.

Post anytime. If you find it helpful, this need not be a “one last thing”!

anita