Anita, you’re absolutely correct that mingled in with the hatred is at least as much fear. Very little of it is for my own well-being, although the worst-case scenario of his ideas on health care could be dire for myself, and even worse for some very dear friends, for whom it could conceivably become life and death very quickly. But beyond that, the consequences of his total regard for how his actions will impact the environment, and the acceleration of global warming, is both sad and terrifying. Honestly, I’m not at all one normally prone to apocalyptic thinking, but I truly fear that four (or *shudder* eight) years of his deregulated corporate oligarchy will leave us with a planet nearly unrecognizable and uninhabitable and well on the way to a man-made extinction event. And that’s only if his ignorant and blundering foreign policy doesn’t end up destroying the planet in a nuclear WWIII first.

So yes, he scares the sh¥t out of me – and two years ago I’d have said while I was concerned about the environment, the only thing that really truly scared me was the idea of losing my daughter or one of my cats. (That’s one part of non-attachment I have yet to master!) And I don’t doubt that the fear and anger are tangled up together: I resent him for making me feel afraid, for his total disregard for reality and the consequences of his actions. Honestly, as a father and grandfather, I don’t understand how he can live with himself: he has to know on some level what he’s doing to the world his grandchildren and great-grandchildren will inherit… I guess it’s the ultimate demonstration of his narcissistic pathology, that even that doesn’t matter to him.

As time goes on and he becomes more ensnared in this web of his creation, and is forced to step beyond the small number of catch-phrases and the persona he relied on to get elected, I almost begin to feel sorry for him, and as dangerous and destructive as he is, that glimmer of compassion may be what saves my sanity. He’s a spoiled child who’s gotten the biggest toy he ever wanted, and he’s suddenly realized it’s too hard for him, he doesn’t trust his friends and even some of his family, he’s lonely even though he’s surrounded by people all the time… the man who has it all is realizing he can’t actually have it all – and worse yet, there’s a lot of people (“fake news!”) who not only don’t like him, but would just love to take his ultimate toy away from him. I don’t think he’s happy, fulfilled, or feels the least bit in control- and for a pathological narcissist like him that must be torture.  So on the days he really shows his backside, I’ll allow myself to take a little pleasure in knowing he’s not enjoying himself, even if it’s not very metta, and the rest of the time, I’ll do my level best to temper my anger with compassion, and continue doing the small things I can to help him do less damage before he’s out of office , and do what I can to make his time in office as short as possible, for everyone’s sake!

Thanks again for your input- mulling it over helped me get to this internal compromise.