Dear laelithia:

When a child is rejected by a parent, losing their approval and acceptance, a child always believes she/he did something wrong, that it is her fault. And so, I am not surprised you too are taking responsibility for the loss of his love.

I don’t believe it is your fault any more than it was the fault of the women that preceded you in his life and the women that followed you that they lost his love as well.

Think of it this way: he likes cars (I am comparing women to cars, for a purpose). He sees a car, gets very excited, buys it, drives it fast and furious until he crashes it, then leaves it be and goes shopping for a new car, gets all excited about the next car, drives it fast and furious until he crashes it (“played out” was his term?) and so on.

Another man may see a car, get excited, then figures: I want to have this car for a long time. I am going to treat it well, drive it safely, so it will last and so, I will enjoy it for a long time.

He is the first driver.

Is it the fault of the cars, being driven fast and furious? I don’t think so. If any of the car, after being crashed, volunteer to be driven by him again, well, that is a different story.

You wrote that recently, when you “asked what his type was, he said ‘I don’t know, blue eyes, Caucasian’. I’m mixed trace (Asian and European) and definitely don’t have blue eyes. He said there was that initial infatuation because he’s never dating someone like me before”- what he told you is not loving. He told you that you are not his type, basically, that he was excited about you because he never dated your type before (in the driver analogy, it would be getting excited about driving a Honda because he never drove a Honda before).

The loving context that you are missing is in the past. I don’t believe it can be resurrected. Not only is it in the past, but it was time-sensitive, or time-limited from the very beginning.

anita