Dear Tectonic Tranquility:

I like your user name, tectonic tranquility.

You wrote: “My husband met a female friend… (“He is working late every night… side by side with this female friend”) he does the many things I like to do as a couple with her.” It is important for me/ the reader, to know what those things they do together are. If they eat together because they work together long hours, that is understandable. If they (crazy example) take a nap together, cuddling, that is different.

Also, are there other people present till 4 am while the two of them work together or are they alone?

“My reactions to their relationship has nearly ruined our marriage.”- again, depending what it is you are reacting to. If it is them having a nap together, cuddling, his behavior needs to be attended to first.

You wrote: “I went to see him for a few minutes… He made a comment… It bothered me. It showed on my face but I didn’t say anything.” What was the comment, I wonder, and what did you think he meant by it?

Back to that visit: “he kept pressuring me – ‘What’s wrong. Just tell me. Why are you doing this?’ This made me more frustrated and just begin to shut down. I get so angry and cannot talk things out… I ended up storming off… ended up in a big fight… lasted for about 4 hrs and all the dirty laundry comes out.” You wrote that this is not a constructive way to fight. Well, it is not constructive to fight at all. It is constructive to communicate effectively.

Yo asked: “Why does something so small get made to be so big? Can I change the way I take everything so personal and as an attack. How can control my anger?”

“Something so small”, you mean his comment? If his comment was just a concern for his daughter (ex., this is too much sun for her), the reason it is so big in your mind is because of your own thoughts that you attached to his comment, your interpretation of what he said. The principle behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is examining our thoughts for accuracy and if they are distorted, then correct our thoughts so to fit reality. When our thoughts fit reality, our distress is diminished. When our distress is diminished, we are more able to thoughtfully choose our behavior.

You could have asked him, as calmly as you could, “what did you mean by that comment?” so to check if your thoughts about his comments are correct, or not.

Marriage counseling, if it is of quality, will teach the two of you communication skills. The two of you will practice, in the office, with the therapist, those skills- how to talk to each other, how you can express your feelings to him in as calm a way as possible, clearly, assertively and respectfully.

It is very common for people to feel uncomfortable about anger, trying to push it down, not knowing what to do with it. Assertiveness – for unassertive people- is a very difficult skill to learn and practice because it feels uncomfortable to change habits of the mind/ behavior.

There is much more to the topic, but I will stop here. Let me know of your thoughts/ feelings and we can continue to communicate, if you’d like.

anita