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My marriage is almost over – please help

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  • #151032
    TectonicTranquility
    Participant

    Hi-

    I’ve been struggling for the past year now with myself and with my marriage. There have been a number of factors that have lead to this and I’m afraid for what the future holds.

    My husband and I met in high school and married almost 7 years ago. We’ve never had the perfect relationship but we have always been able to work through our issues. We used to everything together and spent a lot of time together.It started a little over a year ago. My husband met a female friend who he has a lot in common with and I feel hurt by their relationship. I feel hurt because I feel like he does the many things I like to do as a couple with her. My reactions to their relationship has nearly ruined our marriage. I am not proud of the way I have handled myself and would like help in trying to better myself and save my marriage.

    Currently, my husband is working on a big project. He is working late every night, until 4am or even later, so we hardly see much of each other. He also work side by side with this female friend who he hired onto the project.

    I went to see him for a few minutes today and took our daughter to spend time with him too. He made a comment off the get go about our daughter being in the sun. It bothered me. It showed on my face but I didn’t say anything. This is really difficult for him and we have discussed this before. It is hard for me to put into words my emotions and this has been one thing I know needs improvement. So I was thinking how to express my feelings to him and he kept pressuring me – “What’s wrong. Just tell me. Why are you doing this?” This made me more frustrated and just begin to shut down. I get so angry and cannot talk things out. Things just progressed and I ended up storming off. I know this too is not a constructive way to fight, but in the moment – I just don’t know how else to handle myself. We ended up in a big fight. This is what normally happens. This lasted for about 4 hrs and all the dirty laundry comes out.

    Mostly, I’m not happy with the way I handle these situations. Why does something so small get made to be so big? Can I change the way I take everything so personal and as an attack. How can control my anger?

    I’ve been doing mindfulness and some meditation. I’ve also been to a couple different therapists and would like to find another one. The last didn’t help me to work on me but rather told me how bad my husband was. My husband does not want to do marriage counseling. He has agreed to go after this project but I feel like I would be forcing him to go too. I don’t know how constructive that would be.

    I’m not sure things can be saved at this point, but I want to do everything I can to better myself. I want to handle this better for myself and to set a good example for my daughter.

    Thank you.

     

     

    #151046
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tectonic Tranquility:

    I like your user name, tectonic tranquility.

    You wrote: “My husband met a female friend… (“He is working late every night… side by side with this female friend”) he does the many things I like to do as a couple with her.” It is important for me/ the reader, to know what those things they do together are. If they eat together because they work together long hours, that is understandable. If they (crazy example) take a nap together, cuddling, that is different.

    Also, are there other people present till 4 am while the two of them work together or are they alone?

    “My reactions to their relationship has nearly ruined our marriage.”- again, depending what it is you are reacting to. If it is them having a nap together, cuddling, his behavior needs to be attended to first.

    You wrote: “I went to see him for a few minutes… He made a comment… It bothered me. It showed on my face but I didn’t say anything.” What was the comment, I wonder, and what did you think he meant by it?

    Back to that visit: “he kept pressuring me – ‘What’s wrong. Just tell me. Why are you doing this?’ This made me more frustrated and just begin to shut down. I get so angry and cannot talk things out… I ended up storming off… ended up in a big fight… lasted for about 4 hrs and all the dirty laundry comes out.” You wrote that this is not a constructive way to fight. Well, it is not constructive to fight at all. It is constructive to communicate effectively.

    Yo asked: “Why does something so small get made to be so big? Can I change the way I take everything so personal and as an attack. How can control my anger?”

    “Something so small”, you mean his comment? If his comment was just a concern for his daughter (ex., this is too much sun for her), the reason it is so big in your mind is because of your own thoughts that you attached to his comment, your interpretation of what he said. The principle behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is examining our thoughts for accuracy and if they are distorted, then correct our thoughts so to fit reality. When our thoughts fit reality, our distress is diminished. When our distress is diminished, we are more able to thoughtfully choose our behavior.

    You could have asked him, as calmly as you could, “what did you mean by that comment?” so to check if your thoughts about his comments are correct, or not.

    Marriage counseling, if it is of quality, will teach the two of you communication skills. The two of you will practice, in the office, with the therapist, those skills- how to talk to each other, how you can express your feelings to him in as calm a way as possible, clearly, assertively and respectfully.

    It is very common for people to feel uncomfortable about anger, trying to push it down, not knowing what to do with it. Assertiveness – for unassertive people- is a very difficult skill to learn and practice because it feels uncomfortable to change habits of the mind/ behavior.

    There is much more to the topic, but I will stop here. Let me know of your thoughts/ feelings and we can continue to communicate, if you’d like.

    anita

    #151058
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Tectonic…

    Anita has some very good questions that I think need to be seriously for clear answers, and although the situation you are encountering is not conducive to stability, I think you might want to consider going to a place that you find peaceful to think clearly. Such as a park, lake, mountain, beach ( if you are near one). I find that when I have allowed myself to be drawn into an unbalanced situation, I walk to the beach and meditate. It’s funny, not funny ha ha, but funny that when I am at the beach, I am not affected in any way with imbalance, thus allowing me to think clearly, or not think clearly, read that to say no thoughts, just peace.

    You said, ” We used to everything together and spent a lot of time together.” What event(s) led to the reason that you used the phrase “used to?” What happened to go from used to but not anymore?

    You said,  “Mostly, I’m not happy with the way I handle these situations.” If the way you “handle these situations” is expressed in hair trigger reactions, that only helps to escalate the anger. Meeting hostility with hostility is seen through the eyes of the other person as an invitation to engage in hostility. If on the other hand the way you “handle these situations” is one of a passive/submissive target, it only serves to allow hostile domination over you to continue.

    You said, “We ended up in a big fight. This is what normally happens.” with the operative word being “normally.” Being 7 years in a marriage fighting with a child absorbing this behavior is not normal. For the benefit of everyone involved, especially the child, this fighting has got to stop and more rational avenues must be pursued.

    You said, “My husband does not want to do marriage counseling.” His decision to go to counseling or not is exactly that, his decision. Likewise your decision to go to counseling or not, is also your decision. What he decides to do or not do with regards to your marriage, should not preclude you from you doing what is right for you and your daughter.

    You said, “I’m not sure things can be saved at this point, but I want to do everything I can to better myself.” I think that for things to be saved, and I am assuming that by “things” you mean marriage, you both need to want to go in that direction. And you can do everything to better yourself. Instead of saying “I want to do everything to better myself” I invite you to think in terms of, and believe that “I am going to do everything to better myself.” Thinking in this way allows you to regain ownership of your life, how you want it to be, how it’s going to be, not only for you but for your daughter as well.

    As I review my response I realize it may seem harsh, like a stern lecture. If you could feel my soul you would know my words are from love. Tranquility if my response seems to come across that way  I sincerely apologize. I think that sometimes when we find ourselves in that situation we lose sight of the fact that we/you deserve love and respect and that the love and respect for you starts with you. They are not things that you need permission to have. You are a strong woman and a good mother I’m sure. Hug yourself, love yourself, respect yourself, know that, when you look at your daughter, know that as you love yourself and respect yourself, you will be giving the same to her. It is the least both of you deserve.

    Pearce

     

    #151132
    TectonicTranquility
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for taking the time to reply. I often read your advice to others on here an it has helped me through some difficult moments. I value your perspective on relationships and life in general.

    My husband and his female friend spend a lot of time alone at the office. It is just the two of them at this point. There have been others before, but right now it’s just them. He relates to me that they work well together and they can bounce ideas off of each other which spark more creativity. I’m quite positive that there is nothing physical going on. He has said this to my on many occasions. One of the things I am ashamed of in handling all of this is breaking into his computer and phone and reading their conversations (I have stopped this behavior). Through this, I have seen their relationship and there is nothing that says he is cheating on me. There is teasing and banter which makes me uncomfortable, but I know these are feelings I need to work on. For example – they are working on something – she says “ah, man, this is really frustrates me.” And he sends her a link to an image or something to make her feel better. This bothers me because this is not how our interactions go. I understand with the state of our relationship right now; there is a lot of hostility. We used to be light hearted like this, but we haven’t since she came into the picture. I feel hurt when I have this information and usually confront him with it. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want be controlling over his life/actions/friends etc. I also am afraid I will do this to my daughter as she grows up. This is what I am seeking help to change with.

    Another thing they do, is go shopping together on their breaks. They go to the grocery store, pick out meals together and stock the office like it is a house. This hurts because I want to spend these moments with my husband. He doesn’t accompany me to the grocery store, before this started or now. We did used to go to department stores when he had more time and now she accompanies him to the store when he goes. This is when we used to have fun together and he says he doesn’t have time to do that with me, but does do it with her. Also, they go on walks together, or go get coffee.

    In regards to yesterday’s encounter, we met and said hi and we were walking to a shaded place. He said, “Don’t you think we should try and keep (our daughter) out of the direct sunlight?” Reading your response and having further time to reflect on the matter, I know I over reacted according to my own interpretations of the comment. I was trying to feed her a bottle and push the stroller to the shaded area and doing my best to keep the sun from sneaking through the cover that was over her carrier. With him working so much right now, I have full on care for her by myself. I feel that when we are around him that he doesn’t acknowledge the effort I put into caring for her on a daily basis and brings attention to the areas that need improvement. I can understand that he means well, but in the moment, it hurts to feel like he doesn’t approve of the way I care for our daughter. I have tried talking to him about this and he has made efforts to be supportive.

    I agree with whole heartedly agree that effective communication is the root of the problem. I know this is an area I need to improve on. I’m trying to figure out in what ways I can communicate better without letting my emotions interfere. Also, I have done some reading on CBT. I have the book “Mind over Mood” and I want to continue working on this. A problem I realized last year is I feel I have ADD. It is very difficult for me to stick with something after I have started it. I’m trying to find ways to help with this. I cannot go on any medication right now, nor am I certain that is the route I would take. I will pick the book up again and continue with these efforts.

    I also know you are right about assertiveness. This is not my nature. I know the value in it, especially with our relationship. I have a constant worry of messing up what I am trying to say or coming across as a b*****. This is something I will practice.

     

    Thanks again for your time.

    TT

     

     

     

    #151154
    TectonicTranquility
    Participant

    Dear Pearce,

    I like you suggestion of taking some time to go somewhere and think more clearly. I have an absolute love for hiking and how I feel amongst the trees and it has been so long since I’ve done that. I also love when I am on my bike. I got out a couple weeks ago and it was so great. My mind felt at ease and my thoughts fell into place. It is harder now, with a little one, to get these moments. I will incorporate this though. I love it.

    My husband’s relationship with this girl is what happened. I have a difficult time with their closeness, so anytime we are together, we end up arguing about it. So his relationship with her started the spiral of things downward. We have ups and downs but the we have been at odds for the majority of the last year. We’ve gotten so he spends a lot of his time at work, mostly because he is extremely busy, but also because if he is home, we end up in an argument.

    “Meeting hostility with hostility is seen through the eyes of the other person as an invitation to engage in hostility. If on the other hand the way you “handle these situations” is one of a passive/submissive target, it only serves to allow hostile domination over you to continue.” —Yes, yes and yes! This rings so true to my ears. As Anita said, I need to find a way to assertive and communicate feelings in a respectful manner.

    I am so on board with you. The fighting has to stop! It WILL stop. What is so hard for me is that he spends a lot our arguments pointing out the things I need to work on and change and very little about himself. However, he says I do not listen to him. In the next situation, I will listen to his needs and not get heated with my reaction.

    Thank you for your perspective on marriage counseling. You are absolutely right. If he decides to go, that is his decision. Meanwhile, I will do my own sort of counseling to help me figure out my emotions and improve myself.

    I have been reflecting on your statement of embracing changes. I’ve been saying “I want to” for far too long. I will change and I will be a good example for my daughter. I’m glad this is here for me to refer back to. I’ve read it many times now and will continue to refer back to it to embrace this change.

     

    I did not find your response harsh at all. I know that I have problems to work on and am serious about making a change. I appreciate the time and effort of your response. I know I am hard on myself and feel I rely on others to bring me up. This includes my husband. I know he is exhausted of this pattern and I will look to myself in a positive light. Thank you for your last couple of lines. I’ve been searching for a mantra for when times get rough and I feel this will help me tremendously.  Like I said, I will review this more than once so I can work through these issue. Please stay tuned.

    TT

     

    #151162
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tectonic Tranquility:

    What woman will not be distressed knowing her husband spends alone time with another woman, until 4 am, sometimes later, shops for food with her, eats with her, goes for walks…

    No wonder you are distressed.

    The very fact that he spends all this time with her, alone, into the morning, is a breeding ground for a married man having an affair even if the wife is perfect in each and every way.

    I don’t see a way you can be at peace with this situation unless you are at peace with him having an affair now or anytime in the near future.

    You are focused on what you need to improve about yourself but how can you improve when you live under such distress, in a situation that is distressing and would be distressing to any wife and mother of a young child?

    I believe that this project he is working on, with her, it has to end ASAP. It is not fair to you.

    anita

    #151196
    creative cat
    Participant

    Hi Tectonic Tranquility,

    In searching for my own answers I came across your post and I sympathize with your predicament. I’m curious. Are you a stay at home mom? Or is it just that he isn’t home much at night? That can be very isolating. I work evenings and my husband works days. It hasn’t been an easy way to raise a family for either of us. He only recently admitted to me that he always thought I was cheating on him after work at night. (I’ve never cheated on him or even been remotely close at that). I was repulsed that he held onto that belief about me for all these years.

    My husband and I were also 17 when we started dating. At 34 we have a 13, 11, and 9 year old and are headed toward divorce in very slow fashion. He moved out almost 3 months ago, but for us the damaging fights that slowly increased in regularity had gone on for years. Even now we both say how much we love each other, but we just can’t seem to identify and get over this wall in front of us.

    I have found a ton of amazing resources and advice during this process though. Many of which I think could have saved our marriage if I had found them during the time that our arguments were escalating.

    You would be right to work on yourself and learning how to fulfill your own needs during this time (Admittedly way easier said than done). A book by Pema Chodron called “When Things Fall Apart – Heart Advice for Difficult Times” has been a true gift to read when I feel hopeless. You are doing what I did with my husband, which is grabbing tighter and tighter as he slips away and allowing your loving embrace to turn into a gripping hold. One of my favorite quotes from the book is, “only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”

    Also, check out a podcast called Relationship Alive with Neil Sattin as its host. These are also available on You Tube as well  https://www.youtube.com/user/neilsattin. Just read through the topics and pick one you are drawn to. Some personal favorites for me are #69 with Hedy Schleifer, #86 with John Gray, #4 with Terry Real. These podcasts will change everything you thought you knew about men and relationships and give you something relistic to think about and work on throughout the day.

    Due to these podcasts and my application of their advice I have been able to put the brakes on our fighting and slow down the pace of our impending divorce. We can have conversation and neither of wants to have a relationship with anyone new. We just want to be better friends and co parents for our kids. In the meantime we’ll see if we can find a way to love each other again, but the only way that will happen is if I learn how to fill up my own cup and take care of my own needs and take the pressure off of him.

    We live in a time when we expect more from our spouses than ever before. We want them to be our lover, best friend, confidant, and to fulfill our every need and want in life AND do it for oh say um 50 years. That is just not going to happen without some growing pains. Unless each of you learns how to fill your own cups (as he’s doing at work) and allow it to overflow to one another. What would it look like to him if you took a community class? Take a pottery class or learn how to garden. What could you do that would stimulate growth and self love in your own heart that might make him say, “wow… that’s different. What is she up to?”

    I know I don’t know your personal situation well and there’s always a chance he does have feelings for this woman and exploring that possibility is painful. Also, he may be totally committed to this project as a way to move your family forward financially and he may feel stunned that he isn’t being appreciated for it. (Men need to feel appreciated for their efforts).

    I hope this helps you bit… but seriously check out that podcast. Good luck on your journey!!!

    #151226
    Dee
    Participant

    Hi TT,

    I agree with what creative cat has said! I think you are in a pickle here and need to figure out a game plan for yourself going forward. I think you should absolutely consider going to counseling even if you just go by yourself. Going by yourself is still incredibly helpful and important, you can learn a lot about how to consider your own reactions and emotions and what you want.

    I would also suggest that you try to think constructively about a way to communicate how you are feeling with your husband. Clearly you guys are not able to resolve this issue the way you have been dealing with it. I would try something new. Maybe ask him to sit down with you and have a structured conversation, with some rules – you get to talk first, he just listens. When you finish, he paraphrases what you’ve said back to you and then he talks and you listen. Something like that.
    Or you could try emailing him or writing a letter! I know people think this is weird but I actually find I can think much better when I do this. Then can he read it when he isnt with you and have the time he needs to respond emotionally and think about it before he gets back to you.

    I think what you should focus on is
    1. telling him WHY him spending time with this woman bothers you – that its the intimate things they do together, go shopping, spend all night together, etc. Tell him that what upsets you is not that the two of them are friends, but it is that you feel like he is emotionally close with HER and not with YOU! What you want, I’m guessing, is not for them to not be friends or to control his friendships, but for the two of YOU to feel close again, and you feel like she is distracting him from that. He is right now investing all his emotional energy into her, and not you. The goal is for the two of you to feel good about one another again. If you both feel happy with your relationship, then perhaps you might not even feel threatened by their friendship, and he frankly may not even be as interested in spending so much time with her.
    2. Asking for some modifications about his behavior. If he has to keep working with her because of this work project, then not seeing her anymore isnt an option. But he can probably text you a few times through the night to say hello while he is with her. Or call you to say hi. You could ask him to spend less walks and coffee breaks together. If he still wants to be in your marriage, it is very reasonable for him to make some accommodations so that you don’t feel so uncomfortable with his behavior. Try to come up with a few reasonable things you can ask him that wouldn’t be too hard for him to agree to.
    3. You should try to think of constructive ways the two of you can spend time together. Ask him to go for walks with you (and your daughter! That might be nice) and go to the store with you. You can also be creative if you guys are always fighting when you are together – you can play a board game together so you have something to talk about, or make a rule that you wont’ talk about his work or her. Think about it like putting coins in a piggy bank – every good evening or time spent together is one coin dropped in a bank of affection and trust.

    #151234
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    TT I think that what Dee, Cat, and Anita have offered you is very strong support. With Dee’s suggestion of being creative in deploying effective communication, that is key. When I am confronted with hostile communication, I ask a question, perhaps a number of them, I ask very calmly, in a non confrontational way, and I ask it once. If I do not get an answer to my question, I immediately move on to the next and do the same thing with the next questions, if I have any. When you ask why, or whatever your question starts with, and see that the answer starts with “well why did you…” or “how about you…” or “since when did you ever…” or “you never…” and my favorite, “YOU’RE the one that”… (blah blah blah)  I immediately recognize that the person I speak to has no intention of answering my question, that person has no respect for me to recognize my question is an effort to get to the bottom of things and resolve them.  So I don’t like my time wasted, especially if it is for constructive reasons in dealing with a passive-aggressive, immature individual. I simply move on with my next question and invariably move on to have a great day. You are the captain of your ship. Do what I call making a correction in direction. When you are in a relationship, NEVER EVER take the back seat for anyone. Your husband has made it clear through his actions that he is willing to compromise the sanctity of your marriage. Don’t nurture that self-centered behavior by staying with him. I think the trust is gone and will not come back. You have a new life ahead with your daughter. Go get it TT.

    #151316
    TectonicTranquility
    Participant

    Thank you all for your time and thoughts. I must say it was a mix of emotion as I sit here to process tonight. It’s the age old question- do I stay or do I go?

    So – the fact of the matter is, the project should be nearing an end- very soon. Like maybe even at the end of this week. Deadlines seem to be a bit extended though as things go wrong and he has to deal with issues that arise. I’ve made a commitment to myself and to our marriage to stay until the end of the project and see if we can work on things after. This project is a childhood dream for my husband and he has worked so hard at it. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I stood in the way of him perusing his childhood dream. On the other hand, I don’t know I feel about getting the raw end of the deal through all of this.

    He wasn’t there – AT ALL – through my pregnancy. Towards the end, I went to the emergency room for a migraine and had my elderly neighbor take me. He was at work so I texted him what was going on and he said “Ok, I hope you feel better. Keep me posted.” He had said a few times that we shouldn’t be having a baby while all this is going on. Also, that he had started this project first before we were even pregnant. He also has said that I box him into a corner with the fact that I make decisions like having a baby with taking him into consideration. I find this very hard…I do have wants and desires in life, and having a baby was one of them. WE -together- were trying to have a baby for 3 years. We started going to a fertility clinic….together!! He has his sperm counts checked. I was on medication for a year and a half. It is not like this isn’t something we hadn’t discussed. We were having trouble getting pregnant because I have PCOS. I rarely ovulate on my own. So at the beginnings of our relationship turmoil, we pulled the plug on all fertility efforts…..HA! A few months later, I went in for a routine pap smear and the doctor decided to do a precautionary pregnancy test and it was positive. I was already 12 weeks pregnant. This was not a joyous time. I didn’t get to excitedly tell my husband, YAY – I’m making you a father. We had way more discussions of “are we having an abortion” than “I can’t wait to find out what we’re having”. When it came down to it, I simply could not think of terminating the pregnancy. This was my dream.  He took all the excitement and satisfaction out of my dream. Writing it out here, is the first time I’m really processing this. When I went into labor, he had just gotten home from a long night at work and just went to sleep. He had begun sleeping on the couch because my snoring had gotten too much for him to bare. I know from looking at his conversations with his female friend, he shares far more of his emotion with her than me. After our first ultrasound, he told her how neat it was to see everything and how excited he was. With me, he started a huge fight about what kind of parents we were going to be and how we are going to raise this child. He talked with her about the sex of the baby and how he was excited it was going to be a girl. With me, nothing. I felt like a single mother. I pretty much still do.

    However, that is in the past now. I know neither of us have been ideal throughout this turmoil in our relationship. I still feel hurt on many things he has done, especially with this female friend over the last year.

    I really liked your post CC. I will look into the resources you’ve listed and will definitely check out the podcast. And Dee, you are right about his relationship with this girl. He has said this too – that if I treated him better and we were able to communicate more effectively, we could have a better relationship. He said he sees her like a sister. I need to mention too that she is in a very committed relationship. Her SO and her have been together I think 12 years. Not married, but act like it.

    This is not where I saw this post going but I feel I want to share this information all the same. It’s late and the baby is down so I’m going to bed. I will respond more clearly and directly tomorrow. Thanks for reading and helping me through this difficult time.

     

    #151338
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tectonic Tranquility:

    The fact that his co-worker/friend is in a 12 year committed relationship, that this project has been his dream project, that it may be done by the end of this week, that you found no evidence of an affair on the computer, all these are encouraging pieces of information.

    From your recent share, I have more of a sense of the marriage trouble. He didn’t really want to be a parent and you did- major point of difference. It is my position that both parents need to be willing, very willing to have a child before getting pregnant. Clearly, he was not.

    anita

    #151366
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    TT…

    I cannot help but think of Sir Walter Scott”s line from his work Marmion: “Oh! What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” Your husband has created a HUGE web of deceit with the woman on his project. This clearly is no secret. I am wondering if your husband was previously married and if he has children from a previous marriage. What is his pet project? His being defensive toward your inquiries and protective nature of this woman is 100% unacceptable. You are not asking him to end his project right now, or at all. I think you are asking for honest answers, which, he should be more than willing to give in the interest of saving your marriage and out of respect for you. It doesn’t look to me that he has respect for you.  There have been some hints of pursuing the Big D. Some people advocate for this, some have their reasons not to. When you step on a piece of broken glass, you don’t leave that piece of glass in, you take it out so you can heal. However, know this; if it does come down to a divorce, he is still a father and his responsibilities to your daughter do not get him off the proverbial hook, which it seems to me that is how he sees it. Many men, and I mean a HUGE number of men who go through a divorce that involve children behave this cowardly way. This is truly a reflection on the divorced husband’s character. I don’t know TT, just a random thought of mine. But because many divorced men behave in this way, be prepared for that battle as well. I am not asking you to borrow trouble in anticipating having to do with this thorn, just know the big picture. Helen Keller once said something along the lines of “What is worse than being blind is having sight without vision.” Something like that. Just have better vision as to the whole picture. My question is this; if the project ends with him coming around to you, what will your trust level be? Going into another project, will you be haunted by this game? In the event that you feel you are making progress on your marriage, how do you think you will react if he is the one who files for divorce? Maybe I should not post these scenarios, but they are real and they really should be considered to be better prepared for whatever happens. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer they say. He clearly is not on your side. He clearly is not interested in defending your marriage. These are just some thoughts TT, however dark they may be. Then again this situation is not a pretty picture. It never is. You are a strong woman TT. Show it. You are an amazing mother I’m sure. Give that strength to your daughter. I was in Afghanistan for a little more than 13 months. I always wondered why it was that I got 3 letters during that time. When I got badly hurt, I spent 9 months paralyzed from the waste down. It took a year for me to learn to walk again. When I was able to walk again, I finally got to leave rehab in Germany and go home. When I got home, I learned why I didn’t get more letters than I would have loved getting. My now ex was doing everything newly weds do. Welcome home. Needless to say we got divorced. With nowhere to go, no job, I was another statistic of being yet another homeless vet but only for about 3 months, may have been less, I forgot. In a cynical way I used to say that the best thing I got out of marriage was me. I say this because there have been countless of doors open to me, I met some beautiful people, obviously on the site for one, my relationship with my daughter was in tact, I made damn sure of that. I have been so much happier since then, far beyond my wildest dreams. You ARE strong. Show it.

    Pearce

    #151374
    Gem
    Participant

    Hi. In all honesty, his behaviour sounds fishy to me and spending time the way he does with another woman is unacceptable. Be aware. This is not a healthy state of affairs and if he values you, he will stop this behaviour immediately. I am speaking from experience, and sadly, I think he is manipulating you into doubting and blaming yourself for everything. Take care of yourself. As Dr Phil advises, do not give people the benefit of the doubt! Trust your gut. Xxx

    #152370
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi, TechtonicTranquility,

    I just joined this site, and am just now getting caught up on reading and replying to posts. It looks like you received some great advice already. I am wondering, has anything progressed? Have things gotten any better with your husband? I have been rooting for you..

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