Forum Replies Created
October 5, 2017 at 4:26 pm #171779
This breakup up was a good thing that happened for a good reason. It doesn't feel good, believe me I know. We have all heard that things happen for a reason. The problem is that as human beings, we want to know that reason right away, right now. I am guilty of that myself. I have since learned to understand that, for what ever the reason, all I have to know is that there is a reason, and I just let it go. I let it be. But this breakup has paved the way for you to discover new things, invite new people in your life etc. I don't know why, but your post reminds me a quote by this guy named R.D. Laing. The quote, to me, seemed a little repetitive, but the more I read it the more it makes sense…
” The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little that we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts an deeds.”
When we get caught in a current of despair and uncertainty our judgement clouds the direction that we want to go. I think in your case the breakup understandably has caused you to not notice the meaning behind it. That meaning being that you have been freed from a presumably less than happy relationship. It is this emotional upheaval that prevents you from noticing that.
My advice is do not contact him. Doing so, IMHO, will serve to keep you anchored to the past thus preventing you from moving forward. In my past, with my many breakups, I am glad I did not contact my ex g/f's, as tempting as it was. I knew that by trying to chase down answers from once upon a time kept me from being present and from moving forward. It made me so much stronger. For me, the breakups were devastating, which turned into a sting, which turned into a bruise, until it was all gone. Fully recovered. YAY! I would like to suggest doing something that has served me very well…Remind yourself how much you truly do love and care for you, and wish him well though the loving way that you know how to do.
Pearce HawkOctober 5, 2017 at 4:06 pm #171777
Welcome to this amazing site. If you want quality people in your life, you have found the place for it.
You mentioned that you are struggling with anxiety. As you know, there are many expressions of anxiety. Some present in a mild form, singular, meaning it is caused by one thing, usually recurrent, while other expressions are because of a multitude of reasons. Would you mind telling me how your anxieties present? Is it one thing in particular or a number of events? Are the “voices off in my head” more like visual memories?
I can tell you that the feeling of inadequacy is a self-esteem issue. I think that in situations where one feels inadequate, it is because of a history of events in your life that have attacked thievery core of who you are and who you want to be. Some of these events can, and all too often are, due to constant exposure to negativity while growing up. This usually starts from within the family, from the parents. Inadequacy can also be perpetuated by comparing ones' self to others. In many ways it is an admiration of what other people have that you don't but wish you did. So because of what others have, the standard of how you should act, look, feel, etc has been set. This robs you of your individuality so it is easy to understand how one can get caught up in that current. How does your feeling of inadequacy present itself?
For many, many years I had feelings of inadequacy, that I was not good enough, etc. Essentially I was a prisoner to the past. Many years later, through various means that helped me understand, the sense of inadequacy I had had been eliminated. I realized that out of the, what, 7+billion people on this planet, I am the only one that is me, unique. I stopped comparing myself to others and stopped believing all the lies I was told about me during my upbringing. In doing so I made some HUGE space for me that allowed me to define who I wanted to be. Then I was so elated thinking about what am I going to do with all this space that allowed me to be who I wanted to be and not because of the dictates of others.
I hope that what I wrote is a good beginning that will help you along your journey's in life, wherever that may take you. I'm here…
Pearce HawkOctober 2, 2017 at 9:33 am #171271
I think Justine's approach is a very peaceful, welcoming approach that really does work. When I get irritated for whatever reason, my fiancé does this and I appreciate it immensely because it gets me grounded and back to us. I recommend inserting Justine's approach in your repertoire of how you interact with your b/f during abrasive moments.
PearceOctober 2, 2017 at 9:14 am #171261
My initial thoughts are that taking care of your dad, being their for him and your family is most important. As for dropping out of medicine goes, these are my thoughts. Medicine is a field that demands your utmost attention. Having left that pursuit for the reasons you have was perhaps wise. I think that medicine is a field that one cannot go into to see if you like it or not. It's not a hobby. What it is, is that it is profoundly stressful both in the academic setting and the occupational part. But I think that if you question whether or not you want to go into medicine then it is a time to step back, as you did, and re-evaluate your intentions. I have seen many a person who has gone through medical school, then their internship and residency, taken the board exams, and quit after a few years. I actually witnessed an young anesthesiologist who totally quit her job immediately after surgery. I remember her saying, ” I don't need this. It's not for me.” She was fairly ew to medicine, 2 years out from graduating from anesthesia, but over $250,000.00 in debt. Something to consider my friend. The thing with medicine is that, at least here in the U.S., is that in the medical community feel they have been under assault by insurance companies for being increasingly targeted for less and less financial compensation, especially surgeons. This is difficult from to digest because when I hear about the new cars they bought, or the exotic vacations they take, or the house they just bought, or the astronomical cost to put their kids through private schools, it makes me wonder.
As for psychology goes, I think that there is a huge need for psychologists given the increasing stress of our world. There are many aspects of psychology you can get into as you well know. One option that I find exciting is forensic psychology. There is a huge need for that, not to mention the good financial compensation. That is not to say that the field of psychology is not without its stressors. Indeed they are there. I have a friend who is a family psychologist and his complaint is that he listens to problems all day only to come home to hearing more issues from his family. He seems like his life is inundated with other people's problems and there is little time for him to think about his own. I don not mean to put a cloud over your educational pursuits. I think psychology is fascinating, especially the forensic aspect of it.
I think your thought process is right on, very mature.
Feeling like a failure for making a wise decision that you know was best for you, serves no purpose except to inculcate self doubt in your mind. I doubt seriously that your decisions to quit chem and medicine was out of weakness. It is my belief that it was made out of strength. It may not seem so now, but doing so affords you the opportunity to re-evaluate your future and come to terms with what it is that you really want to do. I have more respect for people who realize that medicine is not for them, than I do for egos that think they are the best to answer the call and yet they function marginally, not all, and do less than optimum health care. Their in it for the title and prestige. The difference between God and a doctor is God knows he's not a doctor.
Stay the course my friend. You are doing fine.
PearceSeptember 26, 2017 at 9:41 am #170395
Brayden it is extremely courageous of you to confront this head on. Teenagers aren't noted for tis amount of courage that you possess. You are like this because you are depressed. Can you elaborate on what has been going on to make you feel this way? It sounds like some things have bee going on for quite some time.
PearceSeptember 26, 2017 at 9:36 am #170389
My friend, look at your plate…there is SO much on it. I think it is reasonable to think that many people would feel this much stress in their life too. You said, “I’m not looking for sympathy.” I don't see any of that in your post, bud. I think to deal with this is to take one issue at a time. Right now I am going through a lot of crap in my life and in the beginning I felt consumed by the notion that I have to take care of all that crap all at once. What was that BS I was thinking? So I decided to prioritize what I need to deal with. I don't mind having a couple of so called issues come at me. It's when it seems like a blitzkrieg of problems are coming at me all at once that I feel overwhelmed.
Check this out…You said, “I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that I have been racing my bike lately and i get some relief from that because i’m finally experiencing success, and seeing my hard work pay off.” Doing this is HUGE my friend. as you said, you are “finally experiencing success, and seeing my hard work pay off.” So taking care of you is first and foremost. You are doing that and it works. Take care of you first.
Can you elaborate on the circumstances that developed in to depression? If not we're good.
The divorce and the family dynamics behind it are easy to understand for the motivation for divorce. The memories of the way your dad treated you and your family are very difficult to erase, especially if they are recent events. Please consider this my friend…I have posted about this many times to others who have posted here…My dad died when I was3 months young into this world. My mom remarried about 2 years later. Being so young when she married, and through the years, I thought he was my dad. Without details I can tell you that what this demon did to me and my sisters as well was horrendous. I went to see him the day before he died, still not knowing he was my step-dad. I decided to be the man and step up and told him this: “Well I have to go now dad. I love you.” He didn't say anything. As I walked out of the hospital room I asked him, “We won't even see each other again and you can't even say I love you too?” His answer was, ” I never did.” My response was, “I thought you were going to tell me something I didn't know.” Leaving his hospital room there was a mirror hanging on the wall by the door. In this mirror I saw him flipping me off. I left it at that. One thing I want to share with you too my friend is he taught me something very valuable that I will be forever indebted to him.That lesson was how not to be. Like him. It was a lesson learned over the years and not some bs sit down talk with him.
Family abuse runs rampant in our society. My feeling is that it is more prevalent in African-American families. I have no idea why except for me to consider that it is probably due to a combination of socio-economic conditions. But, abuse is abuse and there is absolutely no excuse for it.
As for the therapy goes, what do you think about the option of going live online with your therapist? I would think that your therapist would be open to this. It may or may not be the same as seeing your therapist in person, but it still is a connection. Another thing that may be helpful is to talk with your mom, and perhaps even your sister, and ask them to go to therapy with you. This would unify each of you to an even deeper level.
As for dating…that can wait. School can be put on hold. I do not know if that is a option that you would consider, but school will always be there for you my friend.
Stay strong my friend. Tiny Buddha, and myself as well, will always be here for you too.
PearceSeptember 26, 2017 at 9:02 am #170387
So you masturbate…”sometimes!”. SO WHAT my friend. It is normal. It is your body. The feelings it brings are your right to feel. I think it becomes problematic when you do this to satisfy yourself to a deeper level than your are with your husband. I think there is literature authored by psychologists and sex therapists that support fantasizing about another person as you masturbate. Have you talked with your husband about this? Fear is something that is created is an emotion projected in the future. Guilt is about the past. You can't feel guilty about anything that has not yet happened. Think future.
PearceSeptember 26, 2017 at 8:50 am #170381
I think, imho, that what you say, that you have become, “Controlling, jealous and angry….” is something that has been deeply rooted in your life. Many people are emotionally dependent on others, especially in their relationships, in order to fulfill a need. Do you think that you have been this way before your relationship with your man evolved?September 26, 2017 at 8:46 am #170379
You said, “we exercised every other oprion before me doing this.” I assure you meant option, not oprion, correct? Anyway, what were those options? Ask this because the elements that are in your options available to you do not include doing what you did, it was an option designed by you. What were the other options that you looked at?September 25, 2017 at 2:38 pm #170255
I do not think at all that you are a bad person. No way at all. I absolutely do think you can change if you want. Change is good. And I absolutely know you can change. Just don't do it on somebody else's time schedule or by how THEY think you should be. Take your time because it will take time. What I see in your post is a very strong woman. The low self esteem started back in the day when you were born. Family dynamics plays a HUGE role on this. I had self esteem problems myself for years and after a while my low self esteem started to wither away to the point where it is gone, got, gone. I realized that my exposure to elements in my upbringing were all lies, that my low self esteem was credited to believing all the lies my step-dad told me. So I decided to make a decision and create who I wanted to be and how I wanted to go about it. We all have a Phoenix inside us my friend. Resurrect it and define who you want to be and how you are going to do it. Identify, if you can, those things in your upbringing that created and nurtured your low self esteem and confront them head on. Because you have the absolute right to change your mind. My favorite line in Good Will Hunting is “it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault…” Bring out that amazingly good stuff within you and go for it.
“Your time has come, to shine, all your dreams are on their way. See how they shine.”
PearceSeptember 25, 2017 at 8:19 am #170145
I recall an argument, spirited debate if you will, with my ex. I do not, to this day, and really don't care to know, what the original argument was about. She had this proclivity of hauling around her personal trash and pick and choose what and how much trash she would fling at me. …for explanation about this see end of this paragraph…anyway during the argument she said, “You could care less about me or our relationship!” I asked her where that came from even though I knew it was part of the trash she had been hauling around. She said, “You just don't care about me because you are not jealous!” I said, ” The reason I am not jealous is because I DO care about our relationship.” I just do not know how to be jealous. I told this once to a female friend of mine and she said, “Let's practice being jealous.” I couldn't even fake that. I introduced my now ex to my step-father and his wife. He did, and she still does, practice forensic psychology. My step-father, who has since passed away, and his wife told me that she is textbook narcissistic. I asked them both how they both knew so soon since it was the first time they both met her. They both said that they knew in the first 15 minutes of talking to her.
IMHO, jealousy is one of the most, if not THE most destructive element that can be introduced into a relationship. Jealousy is a multidimensional cognitive, emotional, behavioral and interpersonal phenomenon. Jealousy can be a destructive and often dangerous emotional and interpersonal response to threats to a valued relationship. When we are jealous we worry that our partner might find someone else more appealing and we fear that he or she will reject us. Since we feel threatened that our partner might find someone more attractive, we may activate jealousy as a way to cope with this threat. We may believe that our jealousy may keep us from being surprised, help us defend our rights, and force our partner to give up interests elsewhere. We may also think that our jealousy can motivate us to give up on the relationship—so that we don’t get hurt any more. If you are feeling jealous, it’s important to ask yourself what you hope to gain by your jealousy. Jealousy is viewed as a coping strategy. One problem with that is that it focuses on the negative instead of the positive. Within the psychology community jealousy is viewed as deep seated insecurities. To understand where these insecurities all one has to do is understand the family dynamics of ones' upbringing. It’s important to realize that your relationship is more likely to be jeopardized by your jealous behavior—such as continual accusations, reassurance-seeking, pouting, and acting-out. For many I think it is fine to accept jealousy as feelings you have, for whatever reason, but to act on that emotion is different. Relationships have ended, people have been killed, because of acting on jealousy. It’s important to realize that your relationship is more likely to be jeopardized by your jealous behavior—such as continual accusations, reassurance-seeking, pouting, and acting-out. I can assure you that, at least for me, for a g/f I might have, being possessive is smothering and makes me question my relationship. We have all seen relationships end because of jealousy. I understand that jealousy can also reflect high self-esteem : “I won’t allow myself to be treated this way.”
So now what? Accept and observe your jealous thoughts and feelings but be cautious if you choose to act on it. I may suggest that you step out of your comfort zone and be the one to suggest you go out together, perhaps with some friends. If you observe behavior from your b/f and/or your friends when you are out that evokes jealousy, speak to him upfront in a very concerned yet caring way how it bothers you. I know that in by doing so, at east with me, this would get my attention and motivate me to be more reassuring.
PearceSeptember 25, 2017 at 7:32 am #170125
It looks like, from what I'm reading here, he is genuinely in love with you and feels safe in his relationship with you otherwise I don't think the proposal would have happened. It also looks like he is a caring person. Not to worry my friend.
PearceSeptember 24, 2017 at 8:43 am #170013
I'm sending you some love with the hope that this whole mess gets corrected as soon as possible and I am so sorry that you are going through this. What both Inky and Anita suggested is very solid, real advice that I hope you find strength in, embrace it, and consider. Your ex has got to understand that regardless if he acknowledges his responsibilities or not, he is STILL a father to the children. Period. His responsibilities to them AND you do not go away. I wish more men who treat their relationships in this irresponsible ways would get back to reality and respect this.
PearceSeptember 24, 2017 at 8:35 am #170011
Tom Thank you for replying to my post. I hope your weekend is perfect.
First, I do not have a boyfriend. I have a girlfriend who is actually my fiancé.
I have some gay friends, men and women, who are edgy at times. Those times are when we are just having fun. Edgy can be funny. There are times where I am a bit edgy with my friends, perhaps for a minute or two, but I respect the boundaries. It also has the potential to go too far. When being edgy gets to the point in the way that Dreaming describes, when it gets disrespectful and in your face sort of thing, regardless of social situation, I believe there is some pathology involved. It can be funny or immature depending on the person and how far they choose to take it. However, when you said, “Impress that you are not trying to end a friendship, simply become more part of a circle.” I think that is a good suggestion. Can you agree that there are many other ways to “become more part of a circle?”
I hope you enjoy a fantastic weekend my friend.
PearceSeptember 21, 2017 at 3:09 pm #169723
Peter your recommendation, The User Illusion, is certainly going to be my read before this weekend. I appreciate it. Your comment brought me so much closer to understanding that concept. I know it is very real but struggled with understanding it. As I write this I keep looking at your explanation and feel this “aha” moment. I greatly appreciate your thoughts and time.