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Emotional Depentdance

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)
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  • #170353
    Annie
    Participant

    Anyone else have this issue? I became emotionally dependent on the man I loved for and became a person I don’t know. Controlling, jealous and angry….

    #170381
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Annie,

    I think, imho, that what you say, that you have become, “Controlling, jealous and angry….”  is something that has been deeply rooted in your life. Many people are emotionally dependent on others, especially in their relationships, in order to fulfill a need. Do you think that you have been this way before your relationship with your man evolved?

    #170449
    Annie
    Participant

    Yes, I was in a similar situation about 30 years ago. I guess I assumed that I had worked through it but this recent dependence was a surprise and much more intense.

     

    #170451
    Annie
    Participant

    And now I must learn to forgive myself for the horrible things I did and said to this man that I am still deeply in love with. Feeling lost.

    #170547
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    Will you share more about what Emotional Dependence means to you, how it feels to be emotionally dependent on a man?

    And what are some of those “horrible things (you) did and said to this man”?

    anita

    #170835
    Annie
    Participant

    My understanding is that I focused all of myself on our relationship and my partner. I quit meeting my own needs and got angry with him when my needs were not met. I have paternal abandonment issues. I have trust issues and was sexualy abused at age 4.

     

    I came between my partner and his son, his family and friends. I got jealous at the drop of a hat over nothing. I’m ashamed of the way I treated him.

    #170895
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    It is my impression that you are still in a relationship with the man you are referring to, correct?

    If so, first thing to do is to change your behavior no matter how you feel. When you feel anger, endure it instead of automatically reacting to it by saying things and doing things.

    It is possible to feel angry and yet not express it in any way for a while, and not in destructive ways ever. It is difficult but possible. It takes practice.

    Second thing is to release the old hurt, the old anger of childhood so that this old hurt and anger doesn’t feel as strong as it feels now, so that it gets weaker, and so, it will be easier to feel it and to not automatically react to it. For this purpose, quality psychotherapy will help. Did you attend any so far?

    anita

    #170987
    Annie
    Participant

    Thanks Anita…he left 4 months ago because he couldn’t endure my abuse any longer. I have not got therapy although I’m on the waiting list.

    He and I are still in contact and I am worried about what I have done to him.

    #171013
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    Regarding you being worried about what you have done to him: he was well enough to end the relationship, and that is a good thing, good move on his part. Hopefully he will be careful and not get into a relationship with an abusive person in the future.

    If you feel guilty about having been abusive to him, the way for you to feel better, I believe, is to do your best to heal from what motivated you to abuse him, so that you don’t do this again to someone else. You are on a waiting list for therapy and once you see a therapist, let the therapist know that the first thing you want to work on is to not be abusive to anyone, to be able to feel angry and not react abusively to it.

    While you wait for therapy, you can maybe join a free support group, if such is available. And/ or get a book on Anger management, you can look for online sources on how to manage your anger. You can write in a journal, a journal you can title Anger Management if you want. You can post here about techniques and strategies to manage anger (I for one, will reply to you).

    You can share, if you’d like, about those hurts from the past that are fueling your anger.

    anita

    #171015
    Annie
    Participant

    Thank you so much Anita, everything you said makes so much . I will continue to share my journey.

    #171021
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    You are very welcome. I am glad that you intend to continue to share your journey here. Looking forward to your next post.

    anita

    #171363
    Annie
    Participant

    I am having a really difficult time letting go. I am consumed with thoughts of him and see reminders of him everywhere. Please help. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

    #171365
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Annie:

    You can take a break from thinking about him by taking a fast walk for an hour, outside in the hopefully fresh air. The fast walking, the physical exertion will clear your brain from thinking, for a while.

    When you think about him again too much, you can take another break, maybe do some physical work, even washing dishes, but do it while paying attention to what you are doing. That will give you another break from thinking.

    anita

     

    #171379
    Annie
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I’m doing chores and it does help. I do need to focus on paying attention to what I am doing. Really tough to get out of my head and stop wallowing and ruminating. I keep thinking about the future we planned.

    #171445
    Matt
    Participant

    Annie

    Although I can say that my perspective is not the same, I can understand the feelings that you have and am going through a situation with my own family where I share some of those same feelings.

    The whole “getting out of my head” statement truly hit home. What I can offer is that the whole feeling of being trapped in your head is maddening, it feels all consuming, and is actually extremely unhealthy as you know.  One of the first things that I started doing when those feelings came up was to tell myself to STOP, literally saying that out loud to myself. I felt very stupid at first, but after time your brain gets the picture. I also started doing push ups when those thoughts started creeping into my head, just go until my body could not do anymore, then I would lay on my back and work my breathe back to normal.

    I read somewhere, I need to find the article or Ted talk about this, it said that those thoughts are like ants walking across a picnic table. Functioning people see the ants and then continue on with life no big deal, when you get in your own head, the ants are the only thing you can focus on. You have to let your thoughts be like the ants, acknowledge them and move on. That is what I work on when I listen to my breathe. A jealous thought will pop into my head, and I will say huh look at that I hear you, and then go back to counting my breathe. It has been an interesting journey that has shown some massive flaws in my personality. It has shown me where my insecurities lie, and that my self confidence sucks. But on the positive side, it is very refreshing to know that through this hardship, I am going to come out of the otherside a more complete individual.

     

    I look forward to hearing more

    Matt

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