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Pregnant and my boyfriend left me

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  • #169955
    Kristen
    Participant

    Hi,

    My ex and I had been in a committed relationship for 6 years until a year and a half ago when we split. During that time we still kept in constant contact and never really were without each other as friends. We were still sleeping together and around 6 months ago we decided to get back together. Everything was going well. We have a 6-year old together and we were doing family time, planning holidays, staying over each other’s houses etc. around 4 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant and even though the timing isn’t perfect we decided to progress with the pregnancy.

    All was going good, he was dropping early morning coffees off, surprising our son and I at night with visits and telling me he loved me.

    Last Thursday night when he was doing a late shift I tried to contact him and I couldn’t. The next morning I couldn’t either. I was worried sick so I called his work only to be informed there was no late shift. Eventually he contacted me. He told me he lied, that he’d been seeing someone and he’d stayed at her house and slept with her. When I asked about us he said he felt a connection with this girl and doesn’t think we should be together anymore. He also said we shouldn’t continue with the pregnancy.

    He refused to give me any other details for closure. Like if he’s going to keep seeing her, how he met her or who she is. Apparently she did know about me though. He said it had only been 4 days. But I find it hard to believe that he’s thrown what we had away for 4 days. And if that’s the case then I think I feel worse.

    I don’t know what to do. I’d already committed to having the baby but it’s going to be hard on my own. We don’t talk except about our son and I’ve lost my best friend as well as my partner. It hurts and I feel so alone and find it hard to pull myself together without getting upset.

    Any help or advice would be welcome.

    Kamy.

    #169971
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kristen/Kamy:

    I wish this didn’t happen in your life, your breakup pain compounded by the reality of having a six year old with him and being pregnant.

    But it happened. You asked for help or advice. My advice is that you would be as practical as possible at this point, think and act in practical ways, best you can.

    First there is the current pregnancy to attend to: you wrote: “it’s going to be hard on my own” and that his position is: “we shouldn’t continue with the pregnancy”. The pregnancy is four weeks or a bit longer, still in the early stages. A decision needs to be made as soon as possible, to keep it or terminate.

    Second the co-parenting of the six year old needs to continue as undisturbed by the breakup as possible, so to protect and promote the mental well-being of your young son.

    Third, your well-being, a necessary ingredient in making good choices, including choices regarding the pregnancy and the co-parenting. Do you have supportive family members and/ or friends, and I mean, continuously supportive, trustworthy?

    Losing who you believed was your best friend and partner is difficult, and as you wrote, you feel alone. This is why being together, having social support, is very important. (Here, in the context of your thread, or threads to come,  I can be an online support person to you).

    And fourth, your future relationship with your now ex boyfriend/ partner: either he lied to you for a while or he has known his current girlfriend for only four days, either which way is not a good thing. So trust is broken and what you believed about the relationship was not accurate. Maybe with time he will open up, be honest about what is happening in his mind and life. Until then, there is nothing you can do but focus on the things you can do something about.

    I hope you post again. Sunday (today) is usually a slow day on the website. I believe other members will reply to you as well.

    anita

    #169977
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kristen,

    You terminating a pregnancy because he met some girl, whether for four days or longer, is so terribly insulting. Tell him that “WE are continuing this pregnancy!” Terminating a pregnancy should never be decided JUST because he met some girl.

    Now for the “get real” part: You were never married when you had your child with him. He was, bottom line, a free agent, and could come and go as he pleases. And then later you slept with him, and he was your best friend. But the bottom line is still that he is a free agent, and can come and go when he pleases. And he is no longer your best friend. Best friends don’t do that.

    He’s already helping to support one child. He certainly can help (perhaps only to a degree) with two. He literally made (unmade?) the bed and now has to lie in it. But for you? No more sleeping with him. Ever. Raise your children in relative peace.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    #170013
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Kristen,

    I’m sending you some love with the hope that this whole mess gets corrected as soon as possible and I am so sorry that you are going through this. What both Inky and Anita suggested is very solid, real advice that I hope you find strength in, embrace it, and consider. Your ex has got to understand that regardless if he acknowledges his responsibilities or not, he is STILL a father to the children. Period. His responsibilities to them AND you do not go away. I wish more men who treat their relationships in this irresponsible ways would get back to reality and respect this.

    Pearce

    #170171
    dreaming715
    Participant

    My heart goes out to you. I had an ex-fiancé of 5 years cancel or wedding and leave once and it was devastating, so having children in the mix I can understand it’s even more difficult.

    This is my personal advice (or how I would handle the situation). I feel he has disrespected you and it’s time to cut him lose (aside from any rights he has to his children). You make the decision on keeping or terminating the pregnancy. Take control back and focus on your life and children. You’re a strong woman.

    When my ex-fiancé left me my uncle said, “Don’t walk away- run away.” And that was the best decision (and maybe most difficult) decision I made. But he gained a new respect for me and later even wanted to get back together. But I kept moving forward and I’m with someone really wonderful now.

    You can make it through this! We’re here for you! <3

    #171403
    Pheonix11
    Participant

    Hey Kristen,

    I hate to hear what is happening, and I send prayers and positive thoughts your way.  It is your body, and it is your choice as to whether or not you decide to keep your second child. If he has always helped you financially with your first child then I suppose he would do the same for the second child. Be mindful of yourself as well, and know that it is not easy raising children alone,  but it is doable. What he did to you was not right.  I understand you want explanations, but he isn’t talking, chances are it may take him a while to open up, and honestly right now, it does not matter who she is. There are other things that require your attention.  You will get through this tough time, ( I know it sounds so easy to say, but believe me you will. Stay strong , don’t give up, take each day a day at a time) and whatever decision you make, is because it was best for you and the child you already have.

    #171481
    Kylee
    Participant

    Hi Kristen,

    I can’t imagine the pain this must be causing you and I’m truly sorry for that. I hope you are able to find peace with it all and can make the best decision possible. I think that you defiantly deserve someone better and someone who will be there for you no matter what. For him to go and be with another women ( let alone lie to you) especially while you are pregnant with his child, is absolutely terrible. I think he will regret his decisions soon enough. But you need to be strong enough for yourself and your children. I also agree with Anita. There is still some time to re-think it all. But follow your heart and do what you know is right.

    Hope everything works out. – Kylee

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