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My straight boyfriend's gay best friend- what's going on?

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  • #169687
    dreaming715
    Participant

    My boyfriend, who is a straight male, has had a best friend (also male) since they were in high school. Several years ago his best friend came out as gay, which of course is perfectly fine. I believe my boyfriend values this friendship a lot because they both accept each other, have a shared history, have similar interests, etc…

    While his best friend is pleasant toward me, he tends to push the boundaries of what I feel is respectful to my relationship. For example, getting drunk and complimenting/physically groping my boyfriend in front of me. I told my boyfriend this makes me feel uncomfortable and he said he has asked his friend to stop, but it’s “just how he is sometimes.” His best friend also has a photo album in his phone titled my boyfriend’s name and puts pictures of them together in there and if he sees a present he thinks my boyfriend may like online he’ll screenshot it and save it to the album. When we first started dating he also mentioned in a text conversation that sometimes he wished my boyfriend would “move away with him,” and my boyfriend had to calmly remind him that he was straight.

    I understand my boyfriend isn’t going to leave me for his gay best friend- BUT despite it being verbally communicated that I sometimes feel uncomfortable by his actions, his best friend seems to disregard them. Also, when the three of us were last together we talked about going to a particular restaurant together. My boyfriend told me that his friend was coming into town and made reservations- but unfortunately his friend could only get a reservation for two, not three, because they were “booked.” So I had to miss out on the restaurant.

    This situation is confusing and I don’t know what to think or how I should respond to these situations? Please help? 🙁

    #169697
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Dreaming I hope that when all here on Tiny Buddha have offered their opinions about your concerns that you are well on the way to a better relationship with your b/f. Not that the relationship is bad but what seems to be influencing it is not good, IMHO.

    Your b/f’s best friend may be his best friend in high school, but people change especially when alcohol is involved. When you said, “My boyfriend told me that his friend was coming into town and made reservations- but unfortunately his friend could only get a reservation for two, not three, because they were “booked.” So I had to miss out on the restaurant.” sounds like total and 100% BS on the part of the best friend. The question then becomes why did your b/f  agree to go to a restaurant with a guy that is interfering in your relationship? Let me see here…hmmm…go to a restaurant that includes you, or go to the restaurant with a guy who has no issue with interfering with your relationship without  you? To me that’s a no brainer. If I was your b/f I’d tell my “best friend” that either my g/f goes with me or we don’t go at all. I am struggling with where the confusion lies. I would like to offer that you step up, because it looks like you’ll have to be the one that does, and tell his best friend that the relationship you have is between you and your b/f, not him, that what he is doing is not welcomed and you will no longer tolerate it. I have a feeling that to tell your b/f you will no longer tolerate what this guy is doing will elicit a very interesting response. I say all this because I detest the behavior that people engage in that drives a wedge between me and my g/f.  I have no problem in preserving the sanctity of my relationship and the very personal constitution that defines it by stepping up and lay down the law.

     

    #169865
    blooming Tom
    Participant

    Dear PeaceHawk,

    I am a gay male with many straight friends.  I myself, try to be respectful.  However, I do know gay males that like to “be-edgy”  I doubt anyone could promise you anything.   Th.e direct approach may be best.  Let your boyfriend know you don’t feel threatened.  Things would be more comfortable if actions changed ask him to speak with his friend about always including you or making it so that you would be included directly after.  Or ask if you may speak to him.  Impress that you are not trying to end a friendship, simply become more part of a circle.

    #170011
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Tom Thank you for replying to my post. I hope your weekend is perfect.

    First, I do not have a boyfriend. I have a girlfriend who is actually my fiancé.

    I have some gay friends, men and women, who are edgy at times. Those times are when we are just having fun. Edgy can be funny. There are times where I am a bit edgy with my friends, perhaps for a minute or two, but I respect the boundaries. It also has the potential to go too far. When being edgy gets to the point in the way that Dreaming describes, when it gets disrespectful and in your face sort of thing, regardless of social situation, I believe there is some pathology involved. It can be funny or immature depending on the person and how far they choose to take it. However, when you said, “Impress that you are not trying to end a friendship, simply become more part of a circle.” I think that is a good suggestion. Can you agree that there are many other ways to “become more part of a circle?”

    I hope you enjoy a fantastic weekend my friend.

    Pearce

    #170081
    tokenguy
    Participant

    Dear dreaming715,

    I’m a gay male and like your boyfriend’s best friend I can also be very edgy with my straight friends, sometimes I cross the line and I don’t even need alcohol to get me in that state, but I recognise most of the behaviours you’ve described in myself. Here’s my take;

    1. Your bf’s friend is essentially lonely

    2. He’s certainly not in a loving or fulfilling relationship himself

    3. He’s deeply attracted to your bf and fantasizes about him

    4. He tends to blur the line between friendship intimacy and relationship intimacy because he lacks intimacy in his own life

    5. He simultaneously admires and envies the relationship you and your bf have and so he wants to feel/be a part of that

    6. He may be caught between a deep need for intimacy and a deep fear of intimacy which is why a push-pull relationship with a straight man allows for this endless cycle

    7. There is also an unspoken need in your bf to be desired and admired by his gay best friend and the best friend probably finds in your boyfriend an acceptance that he doesn’t find elsewhere or even in himself.

    Your bf’s best friend is clearly out to you both, but is he out to everyone in his life? I think he may have a bit of an issue with his own sexuality which is why he continues in this somewhat unhealthy cycle with a committed, straight guy. The fact that he’s so future oriented in his fantasies of running away with your boyfriend plus the fact that he needs to get drunk to express heis deepest desires says to me that he has a problem facing up to the here-and-now, because he either starts thinking about a possible future or medicates with alcohol to “be himself” in the present.

    He also needs a relationship of his own from which to get love and acceptance from. Any chance of discreetly hooking him up with a masculine, straight-vibed guy? Get him on a gay dating app like Grindr, Scruff, Squirt or the like. Since you and your husband are open-minded, why not take him to a gay bar where the chances of him finding someone for himself are increased. The moment he has something to live for in his own love life, the less he’ll infringe on yours plus it’ll increase his empathy for you because he won’t want someone else pouring all over his man. If he suffers from fluctuating confidence, then express more confidence in him, in his looks, in his dress sense, in his suitability to find his soulmate.

    Hope that helps.

     

     

     

    #170345
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Thank you all for the helpful replies and perspectives. To answer a few questions: His best friend is open to everyone that he’s gay and actually has been in a long-term open relationship, but has expressed a lot of sadness around the relationship (like wanting to end it, but never fully doing so). He also doesn’t talk about his boyfriend when he’s not present. So I do think he has some personal relationship issues he’s dealing with and may be wanting a more solid connection with someone (which is probably why he feels his long friendship with my boyfriend is extra special).

    We actually attended a wedding this weekend and he was there and it made me feel a little better to recognize that he wasn’t really singling out my boyfriend with attention- he was showing almost EVERY male there attention. His boyfriend was not in attendance for this wedding.

    I’ll take all of your advice and not let this get in my head. I’ll try to be more confident in my relationship and suggest doing things together as a friend group to feel more included.

    #196037
    Eunna
    Participant

    You know, I didn’t realize until I read your reply that I have so much to realize since I’m in the same dilemma, I have a b/f with a gay best friend. It’s such a difficult situation that I couldn’t ask anyone about it. Thank you for this. Helps so much.

    #218517
    sunnycloud
    Participant

    hi, i wanted to start that I never  expect my self  looking for this specific theme.  but I see that  maybe can help you and me.

    I have a similar situation with my relationship. My boyfriends gay friend is inLove with him and he doesn’t realize that.  there is so many things that make me realize that.

    1 they see each other once a week to drink in a bar, when they do and get drunk, my boyfriends gay friend starts complementing him  in front of me , like his handsome, touching his arm ( in a way that makes me uncomfortable), looking him with this in love eyes. start making inappropriate joke

    2 he had a picture of a naked guy that looks like my boyfriend and even he shows the pictures to everybody. and he start saying  DOESNT HE LOOK LIKE HIM???

    3  he told my boyfriend that he heard that i was dating one of his friends  a couple of times( guy that I don’t even know). obviously lies.. don’t know what was exactly his intention.

    4 he invited my boyfriend first  to an island  and a week after he mentioned and then he invited me .. ( last minute) obiously my boyfriend didn’t go.

    5  he always pays for everything, dinner, uber,  all the drink in the bar ( most of the time). I feel that he try to makes him drunk all the time, to the point that im scare. I have nightmare s with that

    the worst part is that my boyfriend almost ended up super drunk.. taking an uber from his place.

    6 he gives my boyfriend expensive gifts in his birthday

    7  when i meet my boyfriend parents i felt that it was a competition between me and his gay friend. he was all over been super nice to his mom, buying her drink etc.

    8 he talks about he’s sexual life in front of us and even talk bad about he’s closer friends (if he is like that no wonder he talked about me.

    9 when I go out with them he always  said omg you are so beautiful, my friend looks so happy since he’s been with you ( so he  lies)

    10 one time he got a new haircut and he was like  OMG YOUR BOYFRIEND DIDNT NOTICE MY HAIRCUT.

    I know is ridiculous to feel like that. i know my boyfriend is straight  but makes me really uncomfortable this situation to the point that I even have nightmares

    I recently fought with my boyfriend because of him.. after he started put in his mind that I cheat on him with a guy that I don’t even know. I told my boyfriend everything that he’s friend is involve with him, jealous of me …that thats why is is lying… of course my boyfriend believe that I didn’t cheat on him because he know I love him and Im with him almost 24/7 …

    but at the same time my boyfriend thinks im crazy that he’s gay friend is not involve with him and that he would not stop his friendship.  my boyfriend just said that is the way he is.

    In the end I didn’t ask him to stop his friendship just to don’t even mention his name in front of me. im really pissed because what he did, lying like that is just a bad person act. a good person don’t do that. or even if is true that he heard that he could asked me .. or be moire polite asking that.

    now im scare because i know they will hang out again and that he always will be talking bad about me. Im scare he will ruin my relationship.

    I have 2 really good gay friends  and they are so nice and they are not irrespectful like that at all. so i don’t understand why this guy is like that.

    #235323
    A
    Participant

    So nice to see that I’m not the only person dealing with such a situation. I never thought it would become so disturbing to deal with, but it truly is the most frustrating thing. My bf’s gay friend is manipulative, bossy, extremely edgy and craves his attention. He also manages to interfere in our relationship and cause tension between us, yet my bf can’t see what is right in front of him. There is nothing wrong with our relationship, but this particular issue may just drive me to the point of calling it quits.

    #409110
    Rhonda
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: center;”>I have the same but different issue. I’d like closure on. My boyfriend’s(age 25) gay best friend (age 73) is in the closet gay but totally opened to my boyfriend. My boyfriend used drugs back in his past and used people (men and women) through sexual favors to get rides and money. This best friend met my boyfriend 5 years ago in a bad situation and asked if he wanted to change his life. My boyfriend left with him that night and  they’ve been super close ever since. But his gay best friend went with him on the roads and allowed him to do all the same stuff he was doing. The guy took care of my boyfriend and provided a ride to jobs. To this day if my boyfriend says jump this guy jumps. I recently found out that my boyfriend had past sexual experiences with men (mostly receiving oral for money or rides from the other party). The problem I had was the night my boyfriend and I met he had invited another gay guy over at the same time of inviting me over. At the end of the night that gay guy found out we were leaving together and said I quote: “ Bitch you’re not going anywhere with her. You’re coming with me.” I instantly said I think it’s time for me to leave. My boyfriend said that guy must be on something. Later I found texts from earlier that first night we met where my boyfriend promised they’d have fun together if the rude guy would give him a ride. I’m not sure why I made excuses or stayed but now I am pregnant by him and found all this out after I became pregnant. Also, the original gay best friend I mentioned has seriously crossed boundaries in our relationship by saying sexual possessive comments about my boyfriend where I can hear behind my boyfriends back. Recently he refused to watch my son for me to take my boyfriend on a 12 hour ride to his new job but jumped to take him himself. He was being very petty. I tried nicely and respectfully talking to the gay best friend how I felt disrespected. He got mad and wouldn’t talk to me about anything and denied everything I had noticed. So I actually apologized thinking maybe I’m just crazy like my bf says. The pettiness has gotten worse, and my boyfriend says that this gay best friend is part of the family and isn’t going anywhere. They’ve only been friends since 2018 and they tell each other they love eachother every single time they talk. I find it very weird. I often feel like maybe they are in love with eachother secretively. There have been times my boyfriend playfully slapped his gay friends butt or flirtatiously poked at him. There have been long eye gazing that makes me feel uncomfortable. I really don’t know what to do or what to think. I’m pregnant with this guys kid, all my family has died, and I’ve been a single mom for a while before this living on my own with my own place, own car and a good job. Since we’ve met he completely changed into a hard working family man that I’m proud of. My only problem is this gay best friend that can’t respect boundaries. My boyfriend also has a daughter born in Arizona he’s about to get custody of, and I worry he’s faking everything with me to use me like he used a lot of other people but at the same time he spends a lot of time with me in person and on the phone and we have a good sex life. Our mutual gay best friend said that my boyfriend has flirted with him and he had to shut it down because he knows my boyfriend claims to be straight so it’s annoying to him and he doesn’t understand why a straight guy would go that far. I’m very confused on what to do.</p>

    #409129
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rhonda:

    You shared that before you met your boyfriend, you were a single mother living on your own, having your “own place, own car and a good job“. Fast forward, you are now pregnant with your boyfriend’s child and you have no family. Your boyfriend “used drugs back in his past and used people (men and women) through sexual favors to get rides and money“, but since you met him, “he completely changed into a hard working family man“, and the two of you spend a lot of time together. The problem you have is that he has a “super close” friend who is gay: the two of them were on the road together and currently, “they tell each other they love each other every single time they talk… (your) boyfriend playfully slapped his gay friend’s butt or flirtatiously poked at him“, and the two gaze into each other’s eyes for long periods of time.

    This friend (73) is 2-years shorter than being half a century older  than your boyfriend (25).

    I am wondering, Rhonda: was the age difference between the two ever been discussed… is your boyfriend looking up to this dude as a .. combination of a father figure and a romantic interest of sorts?

    anita

    #409133
    Rhonda
    Participant

    Discussed in what way? I respectfully confronted him about everything. He denied everything, got mad, and now acts super petty. I’m talking about the 73 year old best friend of my boyfriends. What should I do? My boyfriend said he’s like a father figure, but I know the old man sees my boyfriend more like a lover. It’s very uncomfortable around them.

    #409134
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rhonda:

    I was wondering if the age difference was discussed: a 25 year old and a 73 year old fit a grandson-grandfather relationship, not a relationship between two best friends or two lovers.

    I know the old man sees my boyfriend more like a lover“- it is so very, very wrong for an elderly man in this 70s to see a young man (6 years removed from being a teenager), as a lover. It is sickening, isn’t it.

    What should I do? My boyfriend said he’s like a father figure“- he must not have had a good father growing up, or any father at all. Are you living with the 25-year-old? Maybe you should go back to living on your own. If you are already living separately, maybe you should separate from this guy and raise your two children on your own…?

    anita

    #409177
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rhonda:

    I understand that you are pregnant and in a difficult situation. I would like to read more from you and understand better. Maybe, just maybe I can suggest something helpful.

    anita

    #409256
    Rhonda
    Participant

    It is disturbing about the age difference, and that’s why it took so long for me to see it. Honestly, I can’t do it on my own without a support system. In the last 5 years I’ve lost both parents, 2 grandmothers, and friends to death. Im pretty beat, and I just don’t want to try to do it alone. I’ve been really depressed, and I know I’m not ready to take on a newborn and 6 year old completely by myself. So I want to try everything possible to make this work. My boyfriend works, and has totally changed so that he can keep us as his family. I honestly believe if I can get the older friend to back off that I’d feel more secure. Doing that Is where I’m asking, “how?” I do not want to disrespect my elderly in anyway, but enough is enough. I just do not know the right way to go about this. Thank you for your perspective and guidance!

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