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My straight boyfriend's gay best friend- what's going on?

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  • #169687
    dreaming715
    Participant

    My boyfriend, who is a straight male, has had a best friend (also male) since they were in high school. Several years ago his best friend came out as gay, which of course is perfectly fine. I believe my boyfriend values this friendship a lot because they both accept each other, have a shared history, have similar interests, etc…

    While his best friend is pleasant toward me, he tends to push the boundaries of what I feel is respectful to my relationship. For example, getting drunk and complimenting/physically groping my boyfriend in front of me. I told my boyfriend this makes me feel uncomfortable and he said he has asked his friend to stop, but it’s “just how he is sometimes.” His best friend also has a photo album in his phone titled my boyfriend’s name and puts pictures of them together in there and if he sees a present he thinks my boyfriend may like online he’ll screenshot it and save it to the album. When we first started dating he also mentioned in a text conversation that sometimes he wished my boyfriend would “move away with him,” and my boyfriend had to calmly remind him that he was straight.

    I understand my boyfriend isn’t going to leave me for his gay best friend- BUT despite it being verbally communicated that I sometimes feel uncomfortable by his actions, his best friend seems to disregard them. Also, when the three of us were last together we talked about going to a particular restaurant together. My boyfriend told me that his friend was coming into town and made reservations- but unfortunately his friend could only get a reservation for two, not three, because they were “booked.” So I had to miss out on the restaurant.

    This situation is confusing and I don’t know what to think or how I should respond to these situations? Please help? 🙁

    #169697
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Dreaming I hope that when all here on Tiny Buddha have offered their opinions about your concerns that you are well on the way to a better relationship with your b/f. Not that the relationship is bad but what seems to be influencing it is not good, IMHO.

    Your b/f’s best friend may be his best friend in high school, but people change especially when alcohol is involved. When you said, “My boyfriend told me that his friend was coming into town and made reservations- but unfortunately his friend could only get a reservation for two, not three, because they were “booked.” So I had to miss out on the restaurant.” sounds like total and 100% BS on the part of the best friend. The question then becomes why did your b/f  agree to go to a restaurant with a guy that is interfering in your relationship? Let me see here…hmmm…go to a restaurant that includes you, or go to the restaurant with a guy who has no issue with interfering with your relationship without  you? To me that’s a no brainer. If I was your b/f I’d tell my “best friend” that either my g/f goes with me or we don’t go at all. I am struggling with where the confusion lies. I would like to offer that you step up, because it looks like you’ll have to be the one that does, and tell his best friend that the relationship you have is between you and your b/f, not him, that what he is doing is not welcomed and you will no longer tolerate it. I have a feeling that to tell your b/f you will no longer tolerate what this guy is doing will elicit a very interesting response. I say all this because I detest the behavior that people engage in that drives a wedge between me and my g/f.  I have no problem in preserving the sanctity of my relationship and the very personal constitution that defines it by stepping up and lay down the law.

     

    #169865
    blooming Tom
    Participant

    Dear PeaceHawk,

    I am a gay male with many straight friends.  I myself, try to be respectful.  However, I do know gay males that like to “be-edgy”  I doubt anyone could promise you anything.   Th.e direct approach may be best.  Let your boyfriend know you don’t feel threatened.  Things would be more comfortable if actions changed ask him to speak with his friend about always including you or making it so that you would be included directly after.  Or ask if you may speak to him.  Impress that you are not trying to end a friendship, simply become more part of a circle.

    #170011
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Tom Thank you for replying to my post. I hope your weekend is perfect.

    First, I do not have a boyfriend. I have a girlfriend who is actually my fiancé.

    I have some gay friends, men and women, who are edgy at times. Those times are when we are just having fun. Edgy can be funny. There are times where I am a bit edgy with my friends, perhaps for a minute or two, but I respect the boundaries. It also has the potential to go too far. When being edgy gets to the point in the way that Dreaming describes, when it gets disrespectful and in your face sort of thing, regardless of social situation, I believe there is some pathology involved. It can be funny or immature depending on the person and how far they choose to take it. However, when you said, “Impress that you are not trying to end a friendship, simply become more part of a circle.” I think that is a good suggestion. Can you agree that there are many other ways to “become more part of a circle?”

    I hope you enjoy a fantastic weekend my friend.

    Pearce

    #170081
    tokenguy
    Participant

    Dear dreaming715,

    I’m a gay male and like your boyfriend’s best friend I can also be very edgy with my straight friends, sometimes I cross the line and I don’t even need alcohol to get me in that state, but I recognise most of the behaviours you’ve described in myself. Here’s my take;

    1. Your bf’s friend is essentially lonely

    2. He’s certainly not in a loving or fulfilling relationship himself

    3. He’s deeply attracted to your bf and fantasizes about him

    4. He tends to blur the line between friendship intimacy and relationship intimacy because he lacks intimacy in his own life

    5. He simultaneously admires and envies the relationship you and your bf have and so he wants to feel/be a part of that

    6. He may be caught between a deep need for intimacy and a deep fear of intimacy which is why a push-pull relationship with a straight man allows for this endless cycle

    7. There is also an unspoken need in your bf to be desired and admired by his gay best friend and the best friend probably finds in your boyfriend an acceptance that he doesn’t find elsewhere or even in himself.

    Your bf’s best friend is clearly out to you both, but is he out to everyone in his life? I think he may have a bit of an issue with his own sexuality which is why he continues in this somewhat unhealthy cycle with a committed, straight guy. The fact that he’s so future oriented in his fantasies of running away with your boyfriend plus the fact that he needs to get drunk to express heis deepest desires says to me that he has a problem facing up to the here-and-now, because he either starts thinking about a possible future or medicates with alcohol to “be himself” in the present.

    He also needs a relationship of his own from which to get love and acceptance from. Any chance of discreetly hooking him up with a masculine, straight-vibed guy? Get him on a gay dating app like Grindr, Scruff, Squirt or the like. Since you and your husband are open-minded, why not take him to a gay bar where the chances of him finding someone for himself are increased. The moment he has something to live for in his own love life, the less he’ll infringe on yours plus it’ll increase his empathy for you because he won’t want someone else pouring all over his man. If he suffers from fluctuating confidence, then express more confidence in him, in his looks, in his dress sense, in his suitability to find his soulmate.

    Hope that helps.

     

     

     

    #170345
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Thank you all for the helpful replies and perspectives. To answer a few questions: His best friend is open to everyone that he’s gay and actually has been in a long-term open relationship, but has expressed a lot of sadness around the relationship (like wanting to end it, but never fully doing so). He also doesn’t talk about his boyfriend when he’s not present. So I do think he has some personal relationship issues he’s dealing with and may be wanting a more solid connection with someone (which is probably why he feels his long friendship with my boyfriend is extra special).

    We actually attended a wedding this weekend and he was there and it made me feel a little better to recognize that he wasn’t really singling out my boyfriend with attention- he was showing almost EVERY male there attention. His boyfriend was not in attendance for this wedding.

    I’ll take all of your advice and not let this get in my head. I’ll try to be more confident in my relationship and suggest doing things together as a friend group to feel more included.

    #196037
    Eunna
    Participant

    You know, I didn’t realize until I read your reply that I have so much to realize since I’m in the same dilemma, I have a b/f with a gay best friend. It’s such a difficult situation that I couldn’t ask anyone about it. Thank you for this. Helps so much.

    #218517
    sunnycloud
    Participant

    hi, i wanted to start that I never  expect my self  looking for this specific theme.  but I see that  maybe can help you and me.

    I have a similar situation with my relationship. My boyfriends gay friend is inLove with him and he doesn’t realize that.  there is so many things that make me realize that.

    1 they see each other once a week to drink in a bar, when they do and get drunk, my boyfriends gay friend starts complementing him  in front of me , like his handsome, touching his arm ( in a way that makes me uncomfortable), looking him with this in love eyes. start making inappropriate joke

    2 he had a picture of a naked guy that looks like my boyfriend and even he shows the pictures to everybody. and he start saying  DOESNT HE LOOK LIKE HIM???

    3  he told my boyfriend that he heard that i was dating one of his friends  a couple of times( guy that I don’t even know). obviously lies.. don’t know what was exactly his intention.

    4 he invited my boyfriend first  to an island  and a week after he mentioned and then he invited me .. ( last minute) obiously my boyfriend didn’t go.

    5  he always pays for everything, dinner, uber,  all the drink in the bar ( most of the time). I feel that he try to makes him drunk all the time, to the point that im scare. I have nightmare s with that

    the worst part is that my boyfriend almost ended up super drunk.. taking an uber from his place.

    6 he gives my boyfriend expensive gifts in his birthday

    7  when i meet my boyfriend parents i felt that it was a competition between me and his gay friend. he was all over been super nice to his mom, buying her drink etc.

    8 he talks about he’s sexual life in front of us and even talk bad about he’s closer friends (if he is like that no wonder he talked about me.

    9 when I go out with them he always  said omg you are so beautiful, my friend looks so happy since he’s been with you ( so he  lies)

    10 one time he got a new haircut and he was like  OMG YOUR BOYFRIEND DIDNT NOTICE MY HAIRCUT.

    I know is ridiculous to feel like that. i know my boyfriend is straight  but makes me really uncomfortable this situation to the point that I even have nightmares

    I recently fought with my boyfriend because of him.. after he started put in his mind that I cheat on him with a guy that I don’t even know. I told my boyfriend everything that he’s friend is involve with him, jealous of me …that thats why is is lying… of course my boyfriend believe that I didn’t cheat on him because he know I love him and Im with him almost 24/7 …

    but at the same time my boyfriend thinks im crazy that he’s gay friend is not involve with him and that he would not stop his friendship.  my boyfriend just said that is the way he is.

    In the end I didn’t ask him to stop his friendship just to don’t even mention his name in front of me. im really pissed because what he did, lying like that is just a bad person act. a good person don’t do that. or even if is true that he heard that he could asked me .. or be moire polite asking that.

    now im scare because i know they will hang out again and that he always will be talking bad about me. Im scare he will ruin my relationship.

    I have 2 really good gay friends  and they are so nice and they are not irrespectful like that at all. so i don’t understand why this guy is like that.

    #235323
    A
    Participant

    So nice to see that I’m not the only person dealing with such a situation. I never thought it would become so disturbing to deal with, but it truly is the most frustrating thing. My bf’s gay friend is manipulative, bossy, extremely edgy and craves his attention. He also manages to interfere in our relationship and cause tension between us, yet my bf can’t see what is right in front of him. There is nothing wrong with our relationship, but this particular issue may just drive me to the point of calling it quits.

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