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I don’t know why I am like this.

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  • #170271
    Brayden
    Participant

    For some reason, recently, I have just not been with it. I have just turned a teenager about a year ago, so I am quite young. So I have been more and more away from everybody. I don’t feel in touch with myself. When I’m in the car on my way home from school, I’ll just open my window and close my eyes, as the wind blows through my hair. I have dogs, and whenever I let them out, I’ll just sit down on my driveway, and pet my dog for a few minutes, and just think. I feel like I’m not in any hurry to do anything. I’ll come home, and I’ll take a nap, with the length differentiating everyday. Before I go to sleep, I’ll be depressed, and mad. And when I wake up, I always wonder why I am so mad, and sad, and everything else. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and I feel like I just need a breather. I just wish that nothing like time existed, I could wake up in the morning, watch the sun rise, and just relax. Then, I could go to bed and then wake up for the sun to set, and stargaze. Why am I like this? I am so confused and I feel like I am losing my mind.

    • This topic was modified 3 years ago by Brayden.
    #170395
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Brayden it is extremely courageous of you to confront this head on. Teenagers aren’t noted for tis amount of courage that you possess. You are like this because you are depressed. Can you elaborate on what has been going on to make you feel this way? It sounds like some things have bee going on for quite some time.

    Pearce

    #170413
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brayden:

    You wrote: “There is a lot going on in my life right now”- what is going on in your life?

    Your last line is “I am so confused and I feel like I am losing my mind”- what is it that is confusing to you?

    anita

    #170433
    Peter
    Participant

    You are experiencing what most of us have experienced at some point in our teenage years and a lot of it is influenced by chemical changes of puberty. As well this is the time we start taking ownership between what we were taught and what we think.  I suspect you started to notice that what you learned about how the world should be is not the way the world is and in this light that peoples actions don’t always follow what they say. (Including our own)  It’s a very confusing time so I don’t think your losing your find. Far from it as the way you were able to write about your experience was very articulate.

    Try not to be to hard on yourself. Its important to feel what your feeling however try not to add judgments about how you feel as that tends to intensify them.  Feeling bad about feeling bad is a horrible place to get stuck in.

    #170461
    Brayden
    Participant

    Thank you guys for the responses. The main two things I have been going through are, me being gay with a homophobic family, and my parents are getting divorced. To be honest, I don’t really even feel anything from my parents getting divorced, and I mostly rely on myself for happiness, and other things. Me being gay is a big issue though. I’ve been out for about a year at school, and that was a big mistake. My brother goes to my school this year and he’s as homophobic as my parents. One of his friends told him that I asked out this one guy last year, so now I don’t know what to think. I honestly don’t care what happens anymore. My older brother shares the same views of me, so he’s sort of a “breather.” Also, mental issues have been an issue for me. It started out as health anxiety, and I feel like it has just made everything worse. I’ll slack off at school, but I still get good grades. By me slacking off, I mean being loud, annoying, and obnoxious in class. Most of it comes from me not feeling “connected.” I have memory issues, I overthink, I overreact. And I react to these by thinking that I have some brain issues like a brain tumor, or a defective brain. My anxiety has calmed down a little bit, but on the flip side, I have been careless, and sad. I feel so “out there” compared to everybody else. I have a good amount of friends that stick up for me and are there for me, but I just don’t feel like they need to do that. I feel like they feel obligated to hang out with me. I just want to move far away and start a new life, and I just want to leave everybody behind.

    #170523
    Melissa Pennel
    Participant

    Brayden, it sounds like you have a lot going on, and it’s no wonder you’ve been feeling disconnected and down. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? A counselor at school, a teacher, or a doctor? Someone outside of your family that may provide a safe space.

    You’re very brave for coming out and being honest about who you are. Being brave and feeling good don’t always coexist, though, especially in the beginning. Rather than “pretending” or wearing a facade, you took off a mask and stood in your truth. That’s admirable, and inspiring, and one day I have a feeling you will look back and be proud of yourself. It will get easier, but right now it’s tough.

    In the mean time I would reach out for support: it’s great that you reached out in this community to start with. Have you heard of the “It Gets Better” project? Check it out. There are lots of people out there who have been where you are, and made it through to the other side.

    You’re very self-aware and reflective. I have faith that one day you’ll be the person telling someone your story of how it “got better.” Best of luck

     

    #170613
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Brayden:

    It reads to me that you feel very much alone, even in the company of friends who are supportive of you. You feel alone in the context of your family, in school, anywhere and everywhere.

    We humans are social beings, we need times of togetherness with others. It is impossible to experience mental well-being alone all the time. Looking at the title of your thread: “I don’t know why I am like this”- the answer could be: because you experience too much aloneness, anywhere and everywhere.

    Comforting togetherness with another person, with whom you feel visible, audible, seen and heard and understood, then accepted, allowed to be as you are, that kind of connection, I am thinking, will make it possible for you to feel connected inside, no longer a kind-of-a stranger to yourself. What do you think?

    anita

    #170671
    Brayden
    Participant

    Thank you guys so much. I don’t really have anybody that I feel wouldn’t be biased about me being gay, especially in a conservative environment like this, but I think I just need to try to look forward to the future. I agree with trying to find a friend to vent to though, I should probably just all with one of my close friends. And thank you for mentioning the It Gets Better Project, I’ll check it out.

    #170673
    Peter
    Participant

    If things get really hard you might want to talk to a professional.  Its great to be able to vent to a friend however having someone you can talk who’s perspective isn’t wrap up in how they perceive us to be/need us to be can be a great help

    We need our fiends stay within the boundaries of who we think they are just as they need us to stay within the boundaries of who they think we are…. so it can get messy if we are always using them to vent to.

    #170785
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Brayden. Post again anytime.

    anita

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